I spent hours on Amazon looking for a book that will help me cope with this startling new turn of events, but there aren’t any. I should go into business for myself: there’s an untapped market just waiting for my special brand of tact and sensitivity to write a series of self-help books. I’ll start slow, and release a title in a familiar format:
.. before I branch out into children’s books, Chicken Soup books, and my personal raison d’être, pop-up Choose Your Own Adventure books – all dealing with a special but very real scenario: your crazy bucket-peeing mother has started DATING, and calls you up to tell you about the guy(S)!!!! she has been going out with.
My mom called me last night to give me a hard time for not calling her for Thanksgiving (for which I am grateful – she COULD have complained that I have yet to visit her in Victoria this year), and also to tell me that she’s been going out. On dates. With MEN. I don’t think I’ve ever been so shocked on the phone with my mother before – at no point did it ever, EVER cross my mind that my mother could be interested in dating. Holy SHIT, what flavour of madness is this? Are there men out there who would be attracted to a 66-year-old crazy lady who talks to herself in the third person, repeatedly and non-stoppedly questions animals about their intents, PEES IN BUCKETS, and has walnuts all over the floor? REALLY? Oh god, would they have SEX? I can’t handle this. As far as I know, my mom has had sex once and I was the result so clearly she wouldn’t want to do that again. Oh my GOD what fresh hell is this? My mother has been picking guys up at the grocery store! She went out with taxi driver! Who has an EARRING! She won’t be going out with him again; apparently he was grumpy when she asked why he pulled a U-turn on Hillside and she didn’t like that – OH MY GOD MY MOTHER IS DATING. If I was too old ten years ago when Frank dabbled in Friendly Step-Dad with me, I am practically geriatric at this point. My heart can’t handle this kind of shock. What is she THINKING? OH MY GOD.
If you need me, I’ll be in the corner rocking back and forth freaking the fuck out.
On second thought, maybe I’ll be fine – if nothing else, it could be time for some long-overdue payback for how she treated MY first boyfriend. I will avenge you, first boyfriend!