bring on the hotties

If you’ve ever spent any time on OKCupid looking through profiles to see who is considered a good match for you, there’s something you should know: they’re holding out on you.

OKCupid holds back the profiles of beautiful people until you yourself are considered e-beautiful, and THEN they’ll allow you to see the chosen ones.

No, seriously:

rude. very, very rude.

A friend of mine has been trolling OKC for a while now, looking for a potential mate. They received this email because they are smokin’ hot – hot enough to be considered attractive on the Wal-Mart of dating websites. I’m totally jealous, actually – I want to see these more attractive people. I wonder if they’re lonely because OKC keeps them hidden until you’re worthy, or if they just spend all their time with the other beautiful people, talking about how great it is to be beautiful. I imagine they all gather in a fancy boardroom, where butlers serve melba toast and ice water and a tasteful string quartet in the corner plays odes to their beauty while poets frantically thumb through a thesaurus trying to find the appropriate words to describe the magnitude of exquisiteness laid out before them.

If you’ve ever wondered why the people you are matched with are ugly as sin, there’s your answer: because you, yourself, are ugly as sin. Thanks, OKCupid! Now that I know I’m ugly, I will stop hoping that a gang of men straight out of a Tom of Finland book will come whisk me away for a triple-decker sandwich and instead be grateful for any crumbs of affection that come my way, be they from polyamorous wizards with an Alliance guild of overweight lovers in kitten sweatshirts or Atlas Shrugged-reading “tantric masters” in fedoras and trench coats.


6 thoughts on “bring on the hotties

  1. Well, isn’t that fuckin’ special. Because internet dating isn’t already enough of a crapshoot, they now have to rig it so that we have horrible experiences. Wouldn’t you WANT to match people up with attractive people first so that users won’t ditch your service and tell their friends, “It’s like dating for People of Wal-Mart!”?

    This is why I’m happy and single; I don’t want some arbitrary computer algorithm deciding if my haircut is worthy of their perusal.

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