It’s customer appreciation day in my office building, so we get ice cream. I was on my way downstairs with my ice cream ticket clutched in my sweaty elf hands when a gentleman holding a box of ice cream bars got onto the elevator. In the interest of practicing my small talk and to show off my amazing power of observation, I made a witty quip about his having a lot of ice cream. He proceeded to offer it to me, which confused me a little as I was already on my way to get free ice cream; why did I need it from this strange man? When I told him I was good in the ice cream department, he explained that he was going around offering ice cream to people who didn’t get any, and in exchange, he would ask them to come to church. Oh. Okay, then.
I didn’t want to point out the fact that the ENTIRE BUILDING got free ice cream today, that they could get it downstairs from far less creepy people AND that the ice cream downstairs didn’t come with a side of church, but thankfully he got off the elevator on the 6th floor. I turned to the other lady in the elevator who had also made witty small talk about the man’s ice cream and told her what he said before she got on. I don’t think she was amused at the glee I showed at being able to get ice cream without having to go to church, but agreed that it was really fucking weird (maybe not in those words) and she’d have likely turned down strange man cream (again, not her words) as well.
I got my free ice cream without the side of church, and it was delicious. A bright spot in an otherwise terrible day, even if I had to listen to people complain about it on the way back up to the office.
“I can’t believe they only had TWO KINDS of ice cream! This sucks!”, whined the lady holding three ice cream bars. Her friends nodded in agreement, shifting their own ill-gotten treats awkwardly in their arms. The free ice cream was one bar per person, but the ladies cackled at their system-gaming skills and planned to enjoy ice cream for many days to come. Annoyed and unable to keep my mouth shut, I blurted out “but you’ve got FREE ICE CREAM; ice cream you didn’t have two minutes ago. Even if there are only two kinds, how can FREE ICE CREAM be a bad thing?!” Ironically, I knew the answer to my question – when it comes with church, that’s how – but I have very little patience for people who complain just for the sake of not being happy. You got FREE FUCKING ICE CREAM – more than you’re supposed to have, as it was one per person not lie and take four – and you still found something to bitch about? Seriously, how do you get up in the morning? Your life must be terrible.
Lastly, here is a man dressed as a Tetris piece:
9 thoughts on “free ice cream (hold the church)”
Living in the goddamn buckle of the goddamn Bible belt, I feel you re: the creepy guy trying to bribe people to church. Maybe people don’t want to come to your church because you’re lame and creepy!
You may be having a weird Tuesday, but you just brightened mine. This is hilarious!
ZOMG, our office NEVER gets free ice cream. So LAME! I hate my office!
However, that’s my fave tetris piece of all…besides the straight purple piece. That’s a goodie, too.
there is no downside to free ice cream, metaphorically, or theologically.
You are indeed hilarious which is why I am drawn to your blog. It never ceases to make me laugh or put a smile on my face.
It was Tenant Day last week and I somehow finaggled 5 whole boxes of ice cream. I ROCK.
What was with Tetris Guy? There was a group of ppl photographing him in front of our building that day.
He and his friends were filming a music video :) I went by a bit later and he was joined by a girl in the same piece; it was about a guy who didn’t fit in or something.
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