I’m not one to brag, but I have a pretty spectacular vagina. At least, I assume I do – why else would EVERY SINGLE PHYSICAL EXAM I HAVE garner an audience and mood lighting?

Almost two months after I had officially given up on my delicate sanctuary, I received a call from the Lady Part Clinic at VGH asking me to come down for a howdy-do: it seems my file had been misplaced. They were very eager to take a look at my fancy basket, so could I please come down and let everyone take a peek? The mysterious pain had long since subsided and I had all but forgotten my Adventures in Spectator Speculuming, but I’m not one to turn down a free glob of lube in my nethers so off I went.

I sat around waiting for a long time before anyone came in, and that anyone was an exceedingly young Asian chap who asked me ten thousand questions about my cloven tuft. After I had convinced him that I’m not crazy or a floozy, he left the room to fetch the doctor. Dr. Lady actually had Some News for me, which is much further than I’d ever gotten before – after examining my ultrasound in detail, she spotted something. She explained that it was very likely a lovely-sounding thing called a hemorrhagic cyst, which is a harmless bumpy thing that expands and contracts like terrifying disembodied lungs and usually hurts a bit. She suggested that she and the exceedingly young Asian chap take a romp through my silky gardens, and that I go for a follow-up ultrasound next month just in case. Both these things sounded just swell to me, so my pants came off and my legs spread and everyone had a good hard look at my cervix. Another Wednesday, another bunch of random spectators inspecting my quivering velvet – I should start charging admission.

I have an ultrasound scheduled for mid-April, but the rest of my sugar basin received high marks for healthiness and welcoming ambiance. It was nice to get some actual news about my gardens; it’s more than a little worrisome to experience Mystery Pains for no reason.

To celebrate my healthy tinkleflower, I am wearing a petticoat under my dress.

i am a true lady