going with angry

I’ve been quiet lately. It’s unlike me. And it’s because I’m depressed as fuck, and I don’t know what to do about it.

I didn’t post about it because I loathe myself when I’m sad and mopey. I’m annoyed at myself when I’m off kilter. And right now, I’m mad as hell that I let things get this bad before I said anything about it.

Also, I’m blogging about this at all so I don’t accidentally click “purchase” on the MacBook Air I’m eyeballing. Because that would cheer me up, for sure – but to what end?

Don’t get me wrong, I really want a laptop (and incidentally, I’m selling my iPad 2 – email me if you’re interested). I just can’t tell if I want it so bad because I think it’ll fix all my problems, or if because I am tired of the limitations with the iPad.

But I’m stalling again, so I’ll ignore that train of thought for the moment. I am really, really fucking depressed. Like, dangerous levels. Bus tire levels. Thinking maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I just wasn’t here at all levels. This terrifies me – more so because I orchestrated a day at home alone just in case I decided to see how long it would take to draw blood with a butter knife. Yes, I’m mostly embellishing for effect – but I planned it out. Started thinking about who I could give all my stuff to so Ed wouldn’t have to deal with it. I have a lot of stuff; it would take time to divvy it all up .. but then. What then? Where the fuck is this coming from? And how do I make it STOP? I don’t want to be like this. I don’t even want to be inside my own head right now. Things are so, so, so bad inside here – my safe place; the one place I could always retreat to because it was filled with cotton candy and ponies – but it’s all dark and scary and there’s NOTHING. Great heaping fields of terrible, terrible nothing. I would welcome wolves.

I upped my meds once this year, and that caused all new exciting problems. Dialed them back, was fine for a short while. Darkness started creeping in again; so I upped the dose once more. It’s not helping. I don’t know what to do. I miss myself; hate this brittle shell of a Kimli sitting in the dark waiting for a house to fall on her. I miss seeing the good in everything; seeing the fun in every square inch of my existence instead of this oppressive wall of nothing. I’m scared for myself when I can think logically enough to be worried. I don’t know what to do to fix this, so I’m going with angry: I’m mad as hell about being mad as hell, and something has got to change and it has to change NOW before things get fucking stupid.

Where do I go from here?



19 thoughts on “going with angry

  1. I don’t know where you go from here. I’ve been feeling pretty shit latey, too, but maybe not to the same extent. It’s different for everyone and I don’t think most of us have the answers. But maybe it helps to know there are others out there who understand, I don’t know. Maybe talking about it helps. I don’t know, I am a stranger so it is weird to say to another stranger that they can talk to you, but you can, and I am sure you have people in your life who will listen, too.

  2. I hate this because I have absolutely no suggestions. Depression is so complicated and scary. I’m sorry.

    Since we’re neighbours now (>three blocks away!) don’t ever ever hesitate to let me know if you need someone to come distract you immediately. I can’t fix you, but I can ply you with meats and sweets and Diet Cokes until we figure out a better solution!


  3. I have no suggestions either, aside from ‘keep blogging’. The stupid thing is, you know your thoughts are not right, but you can’t stop them from creeping in. Your logic is struggling against itself. Visit your doctor again maybe? And know that it won’t go on forever.

  4. Kimli, I used to get/feel this way too. Counseling helps. I know you probably don’t want to hear it, but it gets to the root of the ‘problem’. And even if there is no current problem.. it could be deep seeded. But I’m just going from my experience!

    Don’t do anything silly, you have a lot of people that love you!


  5. Hugs! And remember, you lead an army of seven, we would be lost without you!

    When depression totally ate my brain this year, meds helped, but only so much. In my case, the magical thing that made all of the difference was actually vitamins. My doctor ran bloodwork that showed my vitamin D levels to be super low (not uncommon for those of us in the murky gray lands of the Pac NW). She wrote a scrip for a high dose time release vitamin D supplement, told me to take it with OTC B-complex to help with the uptake, and *bam*. In less than a week, it was like the magical elves and fairies let the sun back into my world. Not saying the same thing will be your issue, but it might be worth looking into a light box or D supplements, along with seeing your doc again about your meds.

    I hope you can get this turned around soon.

  6. I’m not sure if you’ve tried this route before, but professional therapists and counsellors are seriously awesome and helpful. I’m not saying “you are crazy, get therapy”, I’m saying I’ve talked to pro head-people a few times in the past and they are fantastic. Everyone tends to avoid that route because of the stigma/cost/effort I suppose, and sadly brain-altering chemicals look like the easier fix. Medication certainly has it’s place, but I wish it were more encouraged/accepted to try to get to the bottom of things naturally before dispensing the happy pills.

    When I was a teenager I got the way-too-common 5 minute diagnosis of “you are distracted, you need Ritalin”, as well as the “you are depressed, you need SSRIs” – I refused both. Turns out I was just a normal teenager. I got some counselling then and again when I was a bit older. I *hated* the idea of it at first, and ended up loving it. Talking to a neutral/non-biased person who’s professionally trained to figure out what’s going on in your head is pretty much the healthiest and most stress-relieving thing a person can do. The insight and perspective and just the listening is worth the time and cost tenfold.

  7. I second (fourth?) the counsellor suggestion.

    If your work has an Employee Assistance Program you can see a counsellor damn fast through that – and since this is likely at least partly related to your job (or will affect it severely) it’s certainly legitimate.

    Or you can see your family doctor and get a referral to one. (MSP covers a certain number of visits a year, but as with all specialists’ visits you need a referral from your family doctor or they charge you whatever the going rate is these days.) I recommend going to the doctor ANYWAY, like, tomorrow, also.

    I’ve used my EAP benefits a few times over the years and it really helped me sort stuff out and deal with the Sad. I also used medication, and that really helped too, but the combination, at least for me, was the most helpful.

  8. (Also, get your doctor to do all the hormone and thyroid and vitamin tests while she is writing you a prescription for new meds. They often don’t spend a lot of time ruling out physical causes of depression, but it’s worth getting it done because you never know.)

  9. I fifth the counsellor suggestion. Seeing a counsellor helped me through many dark times, and I know other people who have had help with counselling.

    The other thing that really helped me was to establish a regular exercise routine, like twice a week.

  10. Counsellor. Definitely counsellor. If the first one sucks, find a new one, not all counsellors will click with you, but most will give you a free consultation to see if you click.

    While I normally recommend these folks with alternative lifestyles, they’re good for not so alternative things as well:


    Biased disclaimer: one of my best friends is one of their counsellors, but they have lots of others. They also have sliding scale options for the cash-free.

    Finally: The thing that most helped me? Being okay with being depressed. Which is not to say that this is easy. It took two suicide attempts, a year with a psychiatrist, two years with a counsellor, and three years on antidepressants to be okay with being depressed sometimes. Strangely enough, the more accepting I am of the fact that sometimes I am not happy and that’s okay, the less frequently I am not happy. YMMV, of course.

  11. I agree with everyone else who has suggested it – go see a counsellor. I was in a different situation when I felt the need to go see one, but… you were there… you know how much it helped. Talk to someone who doesn’t know you. Who is trained to ask all the right questions. Who can give you a different perspective. It will help. Plus, your health spending benefits should cover it. It’s seriously so SO worth it.

    Also, what Michael said – try forcing yourself into some activity. Take a walk around that pretty neighbourhood of yours or hop on the elliptical in your building for a few minutes. Try out a burlesque class (you know you would rock it!). Remember how good you were doing when you were working with a trainer back when we first met? Happy and healthy? I want that for you again. You deserve that.

    And don’t forget that your friends love you. We love you! So much!

  12. You don’t know me, but yours is the only blog I follow where I read every post in its entirety. You have unknowingly made me laugh and helped me think about things differently. You inspire and amuse the heck out of me. I’m sorry I don’t have an answer, but I hope you find your way back to the cotton candy and ponies soon. Good luck.

  13. I’ve battled with depression for a very long time. You have to do something about what you’re feeling, or else it will just start manifesting as something else (*extreme* anxiety, in my case). I second the counselling. At a time like this it’s probably the last thing you want to do, but it will help.
    There’s no easy fix. I hate this disease for robbing people of their sparkle and joy. You rock, and inspire so many people (including me)!

  14. Kimli, this sucks all kinds of balls. Just wanted to chime in with the counselling/exercise advice. You’ve met me – I’m hardly the poster child for physical health – but between seeing a psychologist and regular exercise (walking, yoga, swimming, etc.) I don’t slice myself up with an Exacto knives anymore either. So I call that a win!

    Also, consider getting that pug. It’s not the same as a MacBook air but pretty close.

  15. Hi,
    You don’t know me and probably will never meet me, but I just wanted to say that I’ve been reading your blog for a while, and your entries never fail to amuse, inspire, and motivate me. They always without fail brighten up my day and make me glad to have randomly stumbled onto your blog.
    So, with that I’d like to say I truly want for you to get over your illness. And though depression, for most people affected, is the sort of thing that comes and goes and needs long term, possibly lifelong management, it can be dealt with. And not just with antidepressants. So, please please listen to all your amazing friends who’ve commented above and find a counselor. It will suck major balls, yes. It will probably take trying on more than one before you find that counselor who fits. But it will be so worth it in the end. So please, do it for that stranger on the internet.

  16. You have already got lots of great advice, and I think you’ve already started to follow it, so I won’t repeat any. Instead I will offer my sympathy and support, because I have chronic depression and it sucks. It sucks and it drains me of motivation and it makes it hard to do things, up to and including getting help even though I know I need it and there’s no shame in asking for or receiving help. You’re not alone, and at risk of sounding like a cliche, it does get better. ♥

  17. just catching up….go talk to someone, anyone. take shit loads of vitamin D and if you can- go away for a sunny holiday. this shit weather we have doesn’t help anyone. know we all love ya!

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