This post is likely going to be both inappropriate AND unapologetic (and icky, if you’re at all squeamish about buckets of semen) .. so, you know, act accordingly. If it helps, here is a picture of my cat being bad:

bad, bad cat

OKAY. I am VERY ANGRY ABOUT BUKKAKE. I tweeted this last night to a confused captive audience, who (quite rightly) pointed out that I am officially On Record saying that bukkake is hilarious (it totally is) – so why the 180? I promised I would explain, so here I am.

Last night at the Make Out Party, the topic of Super Gonorrhea came up (as an aside, how proud am I of my granddad – he was the Ultimate Hipster; having contracted Super Gonorrhea way before anyone else had ever heard of it), which naturally led to a conversation about chlamydia. It turns out that there is a shocking spike in chlamydia cases amongst teens – and even worse, a startling number of young girls showing up with chlamydia in the EYE, due to these bukkake parties all teens everywhere are supposedly having.

I am angry for two reasons:

One: I don’t care how many men are depositing their seed on your face in a group setting, Rule Three still applies – jizz does not belong in the eye. Yes, it takes a little more planning to avoid an eyeful of man-juice when you’re getting it from all angles, but there is always a way. Goggles. A blindfold. A helmet. Shutting your damn eyes*. Enacting a “not above the neck” clause. Realizing that penetrative sex is not an evil thing. Becoming aware of the hypocrisy of thinking that sex is bad and unnatural, but letting 5 or more guys jerk off over your body at the same time is a-ok. Stuff like that.

Two, and this is where 98% of the fury lies: There is an entire generation of young, virile men being conditioned to be not only comfortable with close proximity to other erections, but potentially aroused by it – and THIS IS SO UNFAIR.

Unbelievably unfair. STAGGERINGLY unfair. There’s potentially millions of guys out there who are okay (or better) with being near other penises, whether the swords cross or just exist in the same airspace – and I get stuck with the straightest guy on the planet who won’t indulge me this one little (but not too little) thing. NOT. FUCKING. FAIR. No extra cocks AND no pug? Something’s gotta give, and it’s gotta give soon. To me. Repeatedly. In every room of the house.

Laugh all you want, but I am seriously annoyed about this.

i don't even need this many - just two or three. i'm not greedy.

*: see? closed eyes AND protective wear. it's easy.