from the archives: march 2005

Originally posted March 8th 2005 after someone gave me shit about the stuff I was posting (the icons got lost in the archives, so these are new ones):

I’ve taken a page from the ESRB and have decided to code all my posts at the beginning so my readers will be able to tell at a glance what sort of controversial topics today’s offering contains. Here is a handy guide to the symbols we will be using for your protection:

The Internet Journal Rating Board (IJRB)

Sex: This post contains references to the horizontal mambo, the beast with two (or three or four) backs, drilling for oil, plowing the back 40, sinking the little man in the boat, a fuck-a-thon, a Russian salad party, going after the quad when the red armour is up, opening the door for the little old lady, dripping mustard on a yellow shirt at a LAN, and so on and so forth.


Feminine Issues
: This post contains my vagina and all the wonders within. If it’s not swearing up a self-righteous storm, things are gushing both above and below the border. Caution: contents under pressure.

 


Church
: This post contains righteous ire directed towards organized religion. While the author does not hold specific followers at fault, the views contained within might blow your conservative gay-hatin’ Sponge-Bob decryin’ birth control withholdin’ minds.

 


Frivolous Spending
: This post may have content of a consumeristic nature. We’re throwing wads of money into the sky and hoping to hit a genie to give us warm golden showers of shiny, shiny gold. Warning! We are living in a material world, and I am a material girl.

 


Financial Woes
: There’s a discarded couch on the money train tracks, and there are hard times ahead. This post contains melodramatic woe and references to Little Timmy and his empty Christmas Stocking.

 

Angst: We’re one step closer to the edge, and we’re about to break. This post contains recaps of my troubled life, lovingly detailed in dramatic prose with plenty of analogies to an unhappy childhood and Nine Inch Nails lyrics.

 

Haircut: We’re totally phoning this update in. This post contains nothing of interest whatsoever; I never go outside and constantly wonder why I have no friends. There are only so many ways to make “I watched TV all night” sound interesting, but we’re still giving it the old college try.

 


Potential Grammatical Errors
: Even with use of a spell checker and an online dictionary/thesaurus, this post may contain incorrectly used words that escaped the author’s grasp. Hemmingway himself had a bad day or two, but he was a real author with editors and paycheques and alcohol dependencies where as I am just some yahoo with an internet connection and web space.

 

Gay Porn: This post contains lustful fantasizing about of two guys going at it bareback, possibly in an uncommon setting like the beaches of Normandy or the Anomalous Materials Laboratory in the Black Mesa Federal Research Facility. Is that a crowbar in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

 

 

Sausage: This post contains sausage.

 

 

To take full advantage of the IJRB system, it’s important to check both the rating symbol (before the post) and also the outraged comments when not everyone agrees with your lifestyle, even though the same “this is my website, so there” rules apply universally. Additionally, online journals that include user-generated content (opinions, links to external websites) should carry the notice “Journal Reading Experience May Change During Online Browsing” to warn readers that content created by players of the game has not been rated by the IJRB.

We reserve the right to add additional warning symbols as the internet changes. If you have any suggestions or comments, please feel free to drop us a line below – but please be warned that your Journal Reading Experience May Change.

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