According to the Google, Mercury is not currently in retrograde. This leads me to believe that the End of Times has begun, because things are getting all doomy up in here – for the past week, the news has been full of FUCKED UP SHIT that is only getting worse:

• Naked face eater in Florida
• Random murders and car-jacking in Seattle, leaving 5 dead
• Two shot and killed in Maple Ridge and a third victim in critical condition; suspect killed in a police shootout
• Body parts mailed all over the place (with some still in transit)
• A torso in a suitcase and a man on the run after leaving notes saying he’ll kill again

.. and just now, I’ve been offered cash compensation – twice – due to the problems I am experiencing with the vaginal mesh I didn’t even know I had. Okay, maybe my vaginal mesh issues aren’t on the same scale as someone eating another person’s face, but STILL. Weird things are happening all over the place and I for one am preparing for the worst: I bought three bottles of Diet Coke and a can of Pringles on my way to work this morning. I’m ready for anything.

I can’t help but feel that all this bizarre, X-Files-style news portends something scary and ominous; perhaps worthy of the terrifying music from the Prometheus trailer (seriously I think the world is ending every time it comes on TV). Are things aligning in a bad way? Were the Mayans onto something? What does Nostradamus have to say about all this? In what way is it the fault of the Liberal media? SO MANY QUESTIONS. So many fucked up crimes. Don’t kill each other, okay? And don’t send body parts via Canada Post. No one wants to deal with the cleanup when they inevitably fail to deliver the package on time and mail you a “come get it yourself” notice instead.