Today I am petulant. It’s kind of like being grumpy, but not as serious – I’m in full-on pout mode (which is not all that attractive on a gentlewoman of my advanced age) and stomping around on my stylish yet affordable boots, singing songs to myself about all the things that are annoying me. Some of the things I have broken out in song about this morning include:

• A misplaced umbrella
• A dumb husband who needs to learn that the proper response to “hey, wanna go on a date with me next week?” is not to make a face and act as though I asked him to accompany me to his own discount vasectomy but instead to maybe be interested in a night out with his wife who is not at all an annoying burden to tolerate when the time is right but rather a totally fun person who most people with enjoy going places with especially if I let them get all up in my boobs
• The failover umbrella which is a giant rainbow of ridiculous but also unwieldy and pinched my fingers
• The most excellent handlebar moustache someone affixed to the guy on the Canadian Springs water delivery truck made me smile, but why do we even need bottled water jeez
• JET! SET! RADIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO is awesome but now I want Jet Set Radio Future on iOS now now now now now now now now
• I am craving Pinkberry, but I only want Blood Orange and it is not a current flavour
• My Big Important Project at work is giving me stress twitches in my left eye because I am not in possession of a time machine
• I am unsure as to whether I should take Monday off
• My iMac is out of commission at the Apple Store as they await my replacement Bluetooth chip that they are replacing for free coz they smushed it when installing my new HD
• Does anyone want to be my stunt cock next Thursday because Ed sucks

Some serious pouting going on over here.