flux

I find I’m spending most my time these days waffling between extreme nothing and extreme OH MY GOD THE WORLD IS ENDING. After six days of nothing (hence my radio silence), I’m suddenly awash in apocalypse and frankly, I don’t care for it.

I’m being vague For Reasons, and I apologize. Additional details will be forthcoming as soon as I get everything sorted out one way or another: you’re either going to get a lot of whining that things are horrible and boring, or a lot of freaking out that I’m in over my head and I don’t know what to do. So, one of those. Happy mediums are for pussies.

Since I can’t fully make words of my current catastrophes, here are some things I have been thinking about lately:

  • After many years of being a die-hard fan, I’ve taken down the various Dresden Dolls prints I had in our house. I still love the band and have many fond memories of the Strong Feelings I experienced while listening to their music (not to mention a raging girl boner), but .. frankly, I’m tired of Amanda Palmer. What was once a massive crush and adoration has aged badly into some hardcore eye-rolling at the never ending antics. It feels as though everything she does is an Antic, and I just don’t have the energy or spare time to keep up. Too many words about everything. Too many videos. Too many TED Talks, too many “LOOK AT MEEEEEE” moments, too many terrible poems about people in the media. I’m tired of every word and movement being a call to arms to her fans to give, and I’m tired of the SO NAKED aren’t you shocked at my audacity and I’m tired of the ukelele. Just .. tired. I’ll always love the Dresden Dolls, but I’m a little over Just Amanda.
  • I’m worried about my womanly tubes. My Weapon of Spermal Destruction expires in September, and I have to either a) get it replaced, b) have it removed and free ball for a while, c) remove it and go on another form of birth control, or d) have The Conversation about getting my fucking tubes tied already. I’m not looking forward to any of this, really, and I’m also over-thinking things a lot. Like, more than usual. As in:
    • In my experience, doctors refuse to tie tubes because they assume women are fickle creatures who will change their mind re: babies the instant the procedure is done. I’d like to yell “BULLSHIIIIT” from the top of my lungs and do a dance and wax many poems about why this is stupid, but .. is it? It seems like I know far too many people who were once proud soldiers of Team No Babies, but one day they DID change their minds and now babies everywhere. It’s hard to argue against the idiotic notion of “you’ll change your mind someday” when I’ve seen it happen first hand – assuming that it’s not fucking ridiculous in the first place to paint all women with one very narrow brush – so how can I tell my doctor the idea is wrong when most of the time, it appears to be right?
    • Am I refusing to have babies out of sheer stubbornness? What if I DID change my mind but I’m refusing to acknowledge it because I don’t want to be one of those women who changes her mind? My god, what if everything I am today is simply because I’m too pig-headed and stubborn to follow the rules? Who am I?
  • That one worries me, because I know myself well enough to know that if one day I woke up and said “hey, babies”, I wouldn’t go through with it because I’d be embarrassed to change my mind. Yeah, I’d deprive myself of (according to some) the reason for my existence, just because I’ve always said otherwise. Can I stick to a plan, or WHAT? Seriously, though, I’m not having babies and you can’t make me and even if one day I did want them I wouldn’t have them because FUCK YOU IT’S MY LIFE MOM NOT YOURS.

Fantastic. I’ve made it this far in life as a 14-year-old emo kid with no end in sight.

Too much heavy thinking for a Tuesday – I’m going to go buy some makeup to fool myself into feeling pretty.

i may never know

7 thoughts on “flux

  1. I got my tubes tied as a wedding present to my spouse, and it only took the words “I’ve had an IUD and I’d like to move something more permanent” to get one – once I got in to see the gynecologist. Getting to the specialist required some bullshit.

    The way I see it, I’d rather regret not having kids – because that effects only me, rather than regretting having children – which would effect me, my spouse, and the kid(s).

    So I will stay Team No-Babies regardless.

  2. The thoughts about babies could have come from my mind. Thanks god I have 3.5 years left with my IUD. I’ll be in my late thirties when it comes time to take it out and either replace it to prevent an accident, talk about getting tubes tied, or reconsider everything and try for a baby. Thinking about it makes me nauseous, so I’m using the old head-in-the-sand approach.

  3. As someone who switched teams: It’s embarrassing. I HATE being wrong. A lot. And I switched anyway. If the burning desire to switch teams doesn’t overpower the chagrin at being “one of those people”…then you’re fine. I still think it’s bullshit that women aren’t allowed to make choices for their bodies. It’s okay to have regrets. But of the several post-menopausal women I know who do not have children, none of them have any regrets.

    I am extremely sorry that my switching teams helps prove the other sides opinion. SEE? LOOK AT DONNA. SHE’S SPENDING ALL SORTS OF TIME HAVING HORRIBLE CONVERSATIONS WITH HER GYNECOLOGIST ABOUT THE STATE OF HER OVARIES.

    There’s another vote for “you’re probably not just being stubborn” — seriously, this effing urge is so strong I’m willing to deal with fucking infertility and all the stupid fucking bullshit that comes along with it because hormones. Or, as I keep apologizing to Dan for, “It’s the crazy. It’s not me.”

    I’m a little crazy. Fucking ovaries.

  4. I’m a member of Team No-Babies! I had the “birth control is expired” talk with my husband and he went in for the big snip. Much simpler than the major surgery required for a female.

  5. My hubby got the snip too, it was much simpler. I got scoffed at by the receptionist at a gyno and told I was too young and blah blah blah. It was so frustrating. Then my hubby goes to see his guy and all he said was “How about we schedule you in this Friday”.

  6. Pingback: mmxiii in review | delicious juice dot com: unapologetically inappropriate

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