.. unfortunately, my life is comprised mainly of apparently rotten things that all require cash money that I may not have. So, I’ve brainstormed some potential money-making ideas:

• No one really NEEDS two kidneys
• Marketing my blood as a hardcore, Mountain Dew-esq alternative to maple syrup
• Selling my eggs – who wants a little half Malaysian in them?
• Hand jobs for $5
• Selling the sperm collected from the $5 handjobs
• Opening a pie, lemonade, and handmade pornographic goods stand with Sam
• Sell out! Attention all companies: Delicious Juice Dot Com is ready to start shilling for you! Do you want access to my four remaining readers? Would your product or service be a perfect fit for my .. apparent inability to finish a sentence? Contact me today!
• Be independently wealthy and become a vigilante tech writer
• Buy, then resell, Beanie Babies
• Return all my Diet Coke empties
• Kissing booths are so passé – I will open a motorboat booth. Make blaggle wooble sounds in my bosom for $2!
• Visit the bereaved and claim I sold his or her recently deceased loved one an expensive, personalized user manual that has money owing on it

Oh yeah. I’m going to be paying my bills in NO TIME.