I need Botox, because my face is highly problematic.

I’m not particularly worried about wrinkles or aging – I’m just enough Asian to look 30 until I’m 65, and wrinkles are caused by sun which is only outside – but I need to freeze my face into a neutral or happy expression, and Botox is the least harmful (as non-harmful as injecting neurotoxins into your skin can be) option I can think of, assuming that Joker “Smilex” drug from the first Michael Keaton Batman movie (except maybe without all the death) isn’t available for purchase.

In my head, I’m totally mysterious and aloof. Unfortunately, the opposite is my reality: I am an open book with diagrams and Cliff Notes and cheat codes and level walkthroughs and voiceover narration provided by Morgan Freeman in a pleasing baritone, and I need to change. I could work at it and exercise my face muscles and learn to be more aware of what I look like, but that sounds like a lot of work so clearly I should just poison myself with botulisms so I am nothing but a dopey grin at all times.

Apparently, every emotion I feel and every thought I think is visible on my face. If I’m getting internally stabby, those stabby thoughts are clearly reflected for all to see. If you are stupid and I wish you would stop talking, I am unconsciously playing a game of face charades. If I think something is hilarious, I’m surreptitiously (except not) leaking glitter and rainbows all over the place. It’s no good, and does me no favours whatsoever what with the absolute lack of mystique and glamour and all.

This problematic face of mine was brought to my attention several years ago during an employee review: I’m awesome, but when I’m upset I glare and roll my eyes at things like a petulant teenager. I had no idea I was doing this (and was called a liar when I expressed amazement), but it’s true: I may FEEL those things, but I was completely unaware that the feels show up on my face. My boss at the time didn’t believe me and called me a lying liar who lies, but I really don’t think about my face at all. My thought process isn’t “I’m mad! Time to glare!” – it just happens. I was totally surprised and horrified when I found out that yes, everyone actually does know exactly what I’m thinking, and all those “secret” thoughts I have about flipping the table in a dramatic show of passion and rage are anything BUT secret.

You know it’s bad when you totally wish you had bitchy resting face instead of hyper emotional anime face.

So, where do I get a Botox? Is it something I can get at 7-11?