I was literally opening my laptop to write up a whiny, self-pitying post full of doom and gloom because a) I’m still in the hospital, b) I hadn’t seen a doctor yet, c) the casual racism of my roommate was getting really old really fast, and d) Ed hadn’t come by to see me yet, BUT – I saw a doctor! I got an update!

We talked a lot, but two main things came out of this:

I’m gonna be okay!

and

None of this was my fault!!!!!

I was pretty much convinced that everything in my life – work, body, food intake or lack thereof, Diet Coke consumption, internet shopping habits, intravenous drug use, casual sex, puppeteering US politics, littering, using Easter Seal stamps but not donating, buying that cup of coffee a day instead of sponsoring little Ubuntu, not calling my mother regularly – had caused all the health problems I’ve basically since June. Doctor Awesome leapt to reassure me that this isn’t the case at all – basically, it was just bad luck. The rattling in June was environmental, but the triple threat combo of the flu, cold, and strep throat I had in November completely obliterated my immune system – something nasty got in and played games with my heart (against the clear advice of the Backstreet Boys). According to Doc Awesome, the heart should pump 60% of the blood it takes in back out again. Mine was operating at 20%, which made all the fluid go other places and be a jerk.

I’m getting a bunch of prescriptions for diuretics (a terrible word that makes me uncomfortable – diuretics is my moist) and beta blockers (take that, beta), and a new ultrasound in three months. Fixing my stupid heart will take some time, but at least we’re on the right path. I’m thrilled about that (I’m currently crying, but it’s 25% happy 75% butthurt), and glad that I should be feeling better (and able to get dressed in the morning without wanting to die) by the time spring hits. ADVENTURE! I CAN HAVE YOU AGAIN!

Thank you so much to everyone who commented, tweeted, facebooked, called, and more – you guys are awesome. And a super thanks to all my friends who kept me entertained while sitting here feeling sorry for myself. And I promise I will do everything in my power to stay out of the hospital from now on. :D

I am going to miss this awesome technology, though.

$11/day for “premium channels”!