“That’s not nearly enough rice!”

“Yes it is – this is plenty!”

“No way! I’m Chinese, I know rice and this is not enough rice!”

“You aren’t even Chinese though .. ?”

“WHAT? I just took a DNA test, turns out, I’m 48% Chinese – it’s not very catchy, but bitch I know my goddamn rice!”

There are late bloomers, and then there’s me – discovered my real name at 14, learned I was smart in my 30s, found out I’ve been wrong about my heritage for my entire life in my 40s. I can’t wait to find out what basic life knowledge I’ll learn when I’m 50 and beyond! Will it be where babies come from? How to file taxes? The inner workings of my gender and sexuality? What a wild ride it will be!

The DNA test I took several years ago continually refines the data, and where my heritage was once attributed to “East Asian”, it has now been specifically (well, as specific as the most populous race in the world can get) narrowed down: I am 48% actual Chinese. I don’t know when I got it into my head that Malaysians were a special subset of people that had completely different genes than those of Chinese, but that is super wrong. Hell, Malaysia itself didn’t really exist as an independent country until 1963, nearly 20 years after my mother was born (into British goddamn Malaysia, so give me my fucking citizenship already). So if that part of my family can’t really claim to be from a country that wasn’t formed until well after they arrived, what ARE they?

Chinese. My family is Chinese, and I swear to dog I had no real inkling of this until like 2 years ago. For a smart human, I am really fucking dumb.

Even more annoying than suddenly discovering you aren’t who you thought you were is that my European heritage dropped down to 47% (28% English, 19% Irish). The remaining 5% of the elf magic that makes me go is a mix of other places in Europe and Asia, and will likely be narrowed down further as more people willingly upload their essence to a random company doing god knows what kind of evil.

I can’t wait.

brb, gotta go make some more rice.