I ran out of Appropriate Nuts while baking banana bread over the weekend, so I went through the pantry in search of more. No more Johnny Goodnuts, but I did find a variety of other nuts to use in lieu. Here, at long last, are my conclusive findings on NutGate 2020:

• Slivered Almonds: Pointless. They disappear in all the banana goodness. Might be a good way of murdering someone.
• Hazelnuts: normally enjoyed and might have been used but the bag said “from Oregon” and there is bad shit going on down there right now so no thank you
• Macadamia Nuts: Sadly irritating. They did not add anything to the banana bread or take from it – they were hard little balls of bland. These were raw, unsalted macadamias I had purchased accidentally when looking for a decadent snack, but the packaging insisted they were “great for baking” and you can’t lie about things like that so I kept them around. They were so disappointing that I’m beginning to suspect Hawaii has a surplus of these too-weak-for-tools, too-ugly-for-jewellery, utterly-unhealthy-which-is-surprising-for-a-nut-no-good-fats-or-anything fleshy things and decided to heat them up, cover them in salt, and sell them by the billions to all the gullible tourists from the mainland. The scheme has gone over so well that they sell them covered in chocolate, in Spam (the other Great Scam), in all kinds of “good for you and fun to eat!” “health” foods bought by Soccer Karens all over the globe, and more. I’m onto you, Hawaii. Aloha.
• Corn Nuts: I was not allowed to use these. Ed never lets me try the salty nuts.
• Walnuts: the only acceptable banana bread nut. I will take no further questions on this matter.

Now that you know my thoughts on this crucial matter, I hope you are put at ease. At long last, we as a nation can exhale and begin to heal.