fine friday

I am having a fiiiiine Friday. Friday holidays should become a regular thing. Much less stressful than holiday Mondays.

I was going to share a whole whack of pot reviews at once, but I’ve also been wanting to put in my own words the differences in dry pot vs wet (called “sticky” which is marginally less fun), and indica vs sativa. This information is online several thousand times over, but this time it’s in MY words (which are clearly better than other, more boring words). You ARE here for the words, right? The nudes are on my OnlyFans.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading to learn more about the world of marijuana, because I’m finding my new hobby so very interesting. Starting with the word “marijuana” – did you know it has roots as a slur, because it was demonized by politicians in the 20s and 30s who associated it with Mexican people to make it seem like foreigners were bringing deadly drugs into the US? It was the start of Reefer-Madness-like propaganda to make marijuana out to be a very, very bad thing (how’s that war on drugs going? good?). This is why it’s routinely referred to as “cannabis” everywhere you look today, because although marijuana is no longer considered a life-destroying devil plant, that name is heavily associated with people being awful to other people. So, cannabis it is.

Dried weed vs sticky weed: I was under the impression that dry weed is bad, because Ed always made noises about how dry his old pot was. That was an assumption on my part, because all his weed is dried so I thought that’s what “bad” pot looked like. Turns out, dried weed is fine – ALL weed is dried to some extent – but OLD dry weed is pretty bad because most of the good stuff has leeched out. You can rehydrate it with some moisture packs, but it’s better to have fresh flower on hand. Why? That comes in the curing of the plant: after it’s been harvested, it’s dried for some time. “Sticky” weed, the stuff that comes looking and smelling like a dang salad, still has all the resin visible on it. This kind of weed is preferred for smoking, as it’s extra dank thanks to the resin still hanging out on the trichomes (wiggly bits). It’s apparently the holy grail of pot, and highly sought after.

This is where I complain that it fucking figures that I’d gravitate towards the expensive fancy pot instead of the cheaper stuff.

What’s the deal with dried pot? It’s basically the same stuff, but has been cured for longer resulting in a much drier (and harsher) smoke. It’s not BAD, but it just doesn’t have the same level of tastiness when compared to sticky pot. It’s definitely not something to be avoided, though, for one very good reason:

Dried weed is much lighter than sticky weed, meaning you get more of it for the same price you’d pay for sticky weed.

I can even science this shit out for you right now!

4 sticky grams of Dutch Crunch from Skookum Cannabis ($10.71/g)
4g of dried Ghost Train Haze from Color Cannabis ($7.25/g)

It doesn’t look like a big difference at this scale on this scale, but scale up quickly it does. If you’re looking to get the most bang for your buck, dried is the way to go. It’s also the preferred kind of weed for use in edibles. I might be wrong on this, but I think the only kind of flower you can get online from OFFICIAL DISPENSARIES is dried – at least, that’s what I found on BC Cannabis. YMMV.

Before I decided to start my own collection of weed and weed peripherals, my only exposure to any of it was through Ed and I didn’t ask any questions. A couple of months into this, I now have a favourite type and a favourite strain and a favourite way of doing things. Excessive? Probably, but what the actual fuck else am I going to do? Nothing, that’s what.

I’ve been buying most of my weed from Bud Mail, which I really like. I’ve previously mentioned their black tin series, which is expensive af but you get a ridiculous amount of extremely good weed for your money. I sort of thought all pot was the same, but that is apparently like thinking all wine is the same or all beer – s’not true. Armed with a little bit of knowledge, I was able to determine that I’d been buying some top shelf stuff – and other online vendors also had their OWN kind of top shelf stuff, and it was all different and new. A large tax return later, I have a pretty impressive collection. Some recent finds have been from Mota Cannabis (where I’ve previously bought a lot of edibles) – their top shelf collection is called Mota Exotics, and out of the four flavours I bought, I’ve tried three and really like them. Today’s choice is Lilac OG, a very smooth indica that apparently makes me wordy but without the teeming pretension of my other notable wordy highs. Note to self: use this more often. It makes you a great deal less insufferable.

Okay, sticky > dried. What about sativa vs. indica?

Sativa weed is happy time social fun weed. It makes both Ed and I very talkative, which sounds good except then all the weird circular thoughts I have come out of my mouth instead of staying in my head or going on Twitter where they belong. It is very fun when you’re in a group, even if everyone else is sober, because you can and are willing to carry every conversation at once. I think I’m funny when sativa high, but I also have a greatly inflated sense of my own hysteria, so I could be vastly mistaken about that.

Indica, on the other hand, is a quiet, introspect high. It’s no less of a ride than sativa, because you’re still having all the same weird thoughts but you just sort of .. enjoy them by yourself. People often use indica for concentration or sleep, because it can be very relaxing and you sort of like being all quiet and alone with your thoughts, without distraction. The downside of this is the couch-lock: you will reeeeeeally like your couch. And you’re kind of hungry. Do you want salty or sweet? Yes. You want both, and maybe some of that, and this looks good, and now you need to do groceries because you ate everything.

Indica is also used as an appetite stimulant, if you aren’t getting your eat on.

I don’t have a preference for indica over sativa, because I associate my favourite buzz with the particular strain. I’m starting to be able to tell the difference in hybrid weeds as well, which are a mix of both. Some will have more of one than the other, leading to descriptions like indica or sativa-dominant hybrids.

I’ll save the nonsensical pot reviews for next time. Time for me to enjoy the rest of my Good Friday in my oasis!

see what i did there

normalize normal eyes

The good news: my eyes are super. No sign of impending death by diabetes in any of my eyeballs. The tiniest suggestion of an inkling of a whisper thinking about maybe becoming a cataract one day, but it isn’t even a solid thought let alone anything that can be treated at this point so it might as well not be there. Hooray!

The bad news, and you knew bad news was coming because I am the very model of a modern medic mystery: I appear to be having a pretty severe allergic reaction to the gamma rays they dosed me with yesterday.

When my vision eventually returned (sorry, Wanda), I was startled to see my face (beyond the usual reasons): from my eyes to my upper lip is bright red and puffy, at times really itchy, and rough. It’s sort of like I’m experiencing two summer’s worth of eczema all at once, which .. I dunno, is that how they look at the back of your eyes? Is this just a weird sunburn rash thing? I originally thought this was caused by the eye drops they administered, but those didn’t go anywhere near my cheeks. Lights and lasers did, though. Shit. I think I have a radiation vibe burn going on. I don’t like it.

Still no word on what beats betwixt my heaving bosom, nor when to expect the hemogoblins to come a-callin’. No vaccine appointment scheduled yet, because the Fraser Health website runs on decaf hamsters. Have spent so much time talking about words I’ve forgotten how to use them, which is becoming somewhat of an issue at work. Making a flowchart to outline my plan to get over my wordnesia for fun. Thinking about bleach – not that one, the other three.

Still alive.

words aplenty, guess who’s twenty

Twenty years ago today, I sat at my enormous CRT monitor in our gaming room in Calgary and desperately wished that, 20 years in the future, I’d be basically doing the exact same thing.

Good news: mission accomplished!

Delicious Juice Dot Com is officially twenty years old today. I feel like I should write a big eloquent page talking about where we started and where we are now, but my emotions surrounding this milestone can basically be summed up as “wtf”. How the hell have 20 years gone by? The passage of time both confuses and enrages me.

Okay, if I’m going for totally honesty here I’m a little chuffed that I actually made it to 20 years with this thing. I’ve almost shut the site down so many times, but there’s always that little voice that says “but what if something happens and you want to tell a story?” and I back off from the plan. Weird stuff happens to me all the damn time, and I think if I didn’t have an outlet – no matter how infrequently it’s used, although I’m trying to change that – I might explode. And in the process of exploding, I would want to share my thoughts about exploding. It’s a vicious cycle, but what is over-sharing if not love in word form? Nothing. I overshare because I love you. You’re welcome.

So, hooray for Delicious Juice Dot Com making it 20 frickin’ years on this series of tubes. It’s been a wild ride, one that I hope continues for years to come. I’d love to, in 2035, randomly wonder what was up with my genitals way back in 2011, and have a readily available answer. I envision a future where knowing what was up with your junk two decades ago will be very valuable information. It’ll still be a dystopic world struggling to return to the prosperity of the Before Times, but in between the nightly hunts for food and supplies and dodging the hostile brain-eating aliens that caught us all unaware and unprepared in 2027, I’ll be able to see what was up down there in the not-so-distant past. I’ll be a cannibal, but an informed cannibal. What more could I ask for?

Happy anniversary, website. I’d have exploded long ago if not for the outlet you provide.

how it started
how it’s going

i’m (not) okay

Nothing takes the wind out of my sails like receiving a letter stating that I’ve been officially declared as clinically extremely vulnerable and as a result I’m eligible to receive my vaccination sooner than my allotted age group.

On one hand, cool! Vaccines for me!

On the other hand, I feel like I’m about to keel over and die any second and the only person unaware of my impending implosion is me.

I have a relatively small list of fears: tarantulas, children, children tarantulas, and my own mortality. I am paralyzed with fear when I think that I could die any second. There’s so much I would miss out on – I don’t know what any of it is, but I guarantee that I’d rather be alive for it than otherwise. The thought of either Ed or myself shuffling off this mortal coil absolutely scares the fuck out of me, and every time my doctor calls me to send me off for more mysterious testing, I completely shut down and just can’t function. And then, true to my nature, I start worrying about all of my stuff that someone’s going to have to deal with. And all my passwords. Who will manage my passwords?!

They did a full blood panel on me several weeks ago, the results of which were apparently so alarming that every specialist in the city has been alerted to the walking medical conundrum that I represent. I had to do an exercise test that I spent most of a week scared shitless about (mostly thanks to Ed confusing “exercise test” with “athletic endurance test”), complete with having to wear a heart monitor overnight because I have such a lack of natural rhythm that even my heart can’t keep a beat. I haven’t heard anything about the results. They’re sending me to be blinded by science on Monday with an ophthalmologist, and I’m supposed to get a call from a hemogoblinologist soon so they can look at my blood with lasers. I don’t know if this is all just routine testing – my doctor literally phoned in the appointment – but every new test they send me on throws me into a spiral of fear.

I want to see this new status as a good thing because I’ll be protected from the ‘vid that much sooner, but I can’t see it as anything other than forewarning that my fast lane lifestyle and the hard partying I haven’t yet gotten around to is finally catching up with me, and I’m falling apart in fast motion.

Literally the only thing I have to do in this world is keep myself alive, and I’m failing miserably at it.

There isn’t enough pot in the world to help me deal with this. I’m fucking terrified.

at least this made me laugh

pot review: dutch crunch

Today’s pot is a fancy times: Dutch Crunch, a hybrid of Dutch Treat and Jack Herer. I got my tax return, so I splurged* and treated myself to some small batch AAAA oak barrel triple aged stuff cultivated by dudes with long beards and $200 fades. They wear starched aprons over khakis and button-downs with the sleeves rolled up to show off the ink. If this was beer, it’d come in growlers served at a splintery plank counter and some kind of gimmick like they’re technically not allowed to sell beer so instead they sell $20 banana muffins that each come with a free bottle of brew. Everything is plaid.

Anyway, the weed. It is actually very super awesome. Dutch Crunch might be my new favourite by a lot. It came in a fancy vacuum-sealed tin with a pull tab, like top shelf cat food. It smells insanely green – I would wear it as perfume or eat it as a salad. Those are complimentary things, right? I don’t think I know how to praise a plant.

Stunned amazement brought on by the weed aside, I’m not entirely surprised that I like this strain so much. Before I took over management of the household vices, Ed had once ordered some Dutch Hawaiian that I enjoyed until it was all gone. I’d been on the lookout for something similar when I came across Dutch Crunch, so I ordered it on a hunch that all things starting with “Dutch” would be similar. I could tell because they have the same name, you see. I am very deductive.

Incidentally, if you find yourself a strain that you really enjoy, I recommend getting an ample amount. I have yet to be able to restock a specific strain once it’s all gone, which leads to a lot of rueing on my part. Unless you have time to rue, order more. You’ll thank yourself later.

I keep getting distracted for some reason .. . Back to the weed. The high is very visual – these are many words and they are not coming easy**. It’s a much different high when I’m Obnoxious Word Kimli because I don’t even really have to do anything my fingers just make nonsense go. In this case, I can visualize what I’m trying to describe, but the words are super stilted and I’ve rewritten parts several times. Still fun, tho. I’m on our balcony, listening to the creek and some horny birds. It’s really very quite nice.***

*: In this instance, “splurge” meant $150CDN for half an ounce/14 grams which is an astonishing amount of weed.

**: The words were not coming easy when this was originally written on Facebook, several weeks ago. They are much easier at the moment. Sorry.

***: It was very nice!

Remind me to tell you about Crunch Cakes, okay?

pot reviews: drugs to chop to

Two small reviews today! The first strain is an AAA indica called Sugar Black Rose, 100% picked because of the name that evokes early 90s boudoir decor. It’s a cross of Critical Mass and Black Domina, both of which are somewhat uninteresting names. Yes, the name of the strain plays heavily into my reviews. It’s important.

Unfortunately, even though I had high hopes for this strain based on the name alone, I didn’t enjoy it very much. It didn’t seem to do much other than increase my headache, which is far from the reported effects of “body high, relaxed, uplifted”. This strain does have really good reviews (to be fair, weed enthusiasts seem to be really positive about EVERYTHING), so I’ll definitely give it another try but at the moment it’s not at the top of my significant list of pot drug flower times.

The next strain I tried was Purple Bubba, another AAA indica strain. This one I liked significantly better than SBR – I didn’t necessarily find it “calming, uplifted, happy” but it did put me in a nice mellow “let’s do fiddly stuff” mood, which served really well for the chopped-ingredient-heavy dinner I was preparing. Some Purple Bubba, a hat that plays music, and the kitchen: what could go wrong? Not much, actually. I zoned out with some tunes, chopped a whole bunch of vegetables, and had a pretty enjoyable time. Nothing I’d write home about (because my mother doesn’t have email), but nice enough that if I had to do a somewhat annoying set of chores, I’d light this up then go to chore town.

I’m officially at the “take artsy photos” stage of my new hobby, so I was pleased to discover that Purple Bubba is in fact purple as advertised:

the wiggly things are the fun part

It’s not immediately obvious in bud form, but once it was ground and inspected with a handheld Bluetooth microscope (that is a thing and naturally I have one), I could clearly see the pretty purple leaves in with all the green. Science! It’s also for drugs!

It’s not my intent to only review indica strains, but that’s what I have a lot of on hand at the moment. I also have a vast Cavern of Edibles to talk about, and I have not yet shared what has become my gold standard for pot (because I am too busy enjoying it to stop and write about it). Soon, though.

Happy almost Spring!

girls, what’s my weakness?

Soup.

I really love spicy Tom Yum soup. Tom Kha is okay, but the coconut milk cuts the spicy and tang and those are the two things that make me live (along with aspartame and low-cut dresses). When we live in the Big City, I had a favourite Thai place I’d order from at least once a week, if not more. Yes, I would like two family-sized portions of soup, please. No, I only need one spoon – actually, just give me a straw.

Since moving out to the middle of nowhere, the options for good Thai food are severely limited. The most popular place around us puts bean sprouts in their Tom Yum, because apparently they were raised in a barn. I also really hate bean sprouts (and sriracha sauce) because of trauma, so there’s that whole .. thing. Basically, I’m not a fan of the local favourite – soup aside, the rest of their offerings are just not good. I can make better stuff at home with some paste and a handful of mushrooms.

Thanks to the pandemic, we’ve been abusing food delivery options like no other and I did manage to find a decent, “local” option for good soup. The catch: delivery from this place costs $6.49 each time, + Skip fees, + the “you’re in BC” fee, plus tip, plus taxes – a bowl of soup for me and some Pad Thai for Ed can easily come out to a $50+ order. I’m a rich bitch, but I’m also a cheap bitch and I just don’t want to pay $50+ for what I used to be able to get for $25 in Vancouver (and it was better – I miss Thailicious so much dammit). And yet, I crave. What’s a girl to do?

Find and try every single “instant” Tom Yum option there is, of course.

I’ve spent the last few weeks ingesting an inhuman amount of soup. I’ve tried kits and mixes and pastes and cartons and packets. I’ll find something with a decent broth but awful ingredients, or instant noodles that look promising yet taste like boiled asses in a paper cup. I’ve mixed store-bought with homemade to try and find the perfect balance of so-spicy-my-tits-fall-off and so-tangy-my-cheeks-go-numb that is so enticing yet so elusive. I get so close, but not close enough. Frustrating. I have soup blue balls and I need to release my seed.

During one of my drug-fueled fits of pantry organization, I found a box of instant Tom Yum packets that I bought years ago and promptly forgot about. The best before date passed sometime in 2018, but yolo so I boiled up some water and made a mug of soup. As usual, it wasn’t right – not even close actually, as Tom Yum broth isn’t supposed to look or taste like chicken noodle soup. Still, it had a promising aftertaste and I’ve gotten quite good at adding things to not-quite-right broth to make it .. still not right, but closer. I added more boiling water and a heaping spoonful of Tom Yum paste, some galangal powder, lime leaves, and a liberal amount of True Lime crystals and ..

It was great.

Spicy, tangy, warm, full of flavour, deliciousness.

YES!

The box had 5 packets of instant mix in it, and they did not last long. I went online to look for more, but because this is me and nothing whatsoever in my life can be simple and full of joy, I discovered the packets have been discontinued for some time now. There were a few places online that had it in stock, but they were all in Europe and didn’t ship to Canada, the US, OR to the UK so I couldn’t even order a case and redirect it to Friend Jen. I used every ounce of my Google-fu and kept coming up soupless, until I thought to try an internal tool at work — and found a gourmet ingredient store in Ottawa that still had the boxes in stock.

Reader, I bought them all.

I used the last packet I had yesterday, and upped my game by preparing it on the stove in a significant quantity then added an entire forest worth of mushrooms. It was wonderful, and I enjoyed my lunch very much, until I didn’t – I had hit the soup wall with a very loud splash. Tom Yum soup is actually pretty healthy, but having too much of anything is a bad idea and for the rest of the day I suffered greatly with soup belly, unable to eat anything else. I have no regrets, though, and as soon as my 30 packets of soup arrive, I’ll do it all over again with a smile. I really like this soup, y’all.

Even if my tummy hurts.

it me
chaos magic is nothing more than dried galangal

pot review: Sky Cake

(originally posted on Facebook on 02/23/21 then expanded on coz I like words)

Today’s strain is Sky Cake*, an indica-heavy AAAA hybrid cross between Rocky Mountain Blueberry Kush and LSD (who names these things?). While I’m not necessarily a big fan of the “Cake” strain – I’ve had it before in Papaya Cake which I bought solely for infusions – I purchased a Flower Sample Pack from my favourite online vendor and this was in there. I decided to try it because it’s labeled as “Energizing, Uplifted, Soothing, Uplifted” so clearly it’s double the uplift, double the fun. Ultimately, I chose it for the “Energizing” – I knew I should really do some housework I’d been putting off, but I didn’t wanna. So, I did a drugs.

Half an hour after my smoke session, I found myself in the kitchen doing a complete inventory of our freezers and pantry. I even organized things by meal type, prep stage, main use, and frequency used. It made the chore fun (to be fair, I really love making lists so honestly I would have found it fun sober, IF I could have gotten enough gumption to actually get started), and with dancing music and an ample supply of Diet Coke, it made for a surprisingly enjoyable Sunday afternoon of drudgery.

I received a decent amount of Sky Cake in my order, so I set some aside for the next Thing I Should Do but I Don’t Wanna: organizing my closet space.

*: I’ll try to always link a strain to the corresponding Leafly page, but I can’t find Sky Cake on there. Different vendors often name the same strains different things, so Sky Cake could be known as literally anything else. This particular strain was made in-house, so the only information I could find came from the vendor’s website:

With its large, tightly-wound nugs, this popular hybrid cultivar features an expert trim, ample trichome coverage, and a mottled green palette with rusty orange pistils.

I don’t like those words. I mean, I’m a huge fan of words and especially of too many words, but that description does not make it sound at all appetizing. I guess that’s why I’m doing my own reviews, though. I can guarantee that I will never describe something as having “ample trichome coverage”, “expert trim” sounds like I’ve just gotten my pubic hair styled, and I only ever use “nugs” ironically. Hope that works for you.

pot reviews

It’s no secret that I’ve been coping with this apocalyptic insolation with weed, but I’ve always felt this little goblin in the back of my head pointing a goblin finger and shaking goblin head with great goblin disapproval at me. I know weed is legal. I pay taxes out the ass because of this (which I am not complaining about; I appreciate not having to worry and wonder if my weed has been doctored in any way). There’s just this overwhelming amount of self-stigma I feel whenever I talk about pot, which is awkward because like every other thing in my life, when I get into something I get REALLY into something and I want to share everything I’ve discovered along the way. I’ve been warring with this for months, but finally – today – I realized that this is stupid, and I NEED to use my words to feel connected to .. anything. Right now, that connection is to weed. I’m officially swallowing (heh) that little goblin, and will be posting my various weedy ramblings on this perfectly good blog I have, instead of on various social media accounts. I know the subject isn’t for everyone, but right now, it’s for me and I’ve missed my words more than I realized.

I’ve missed you, me. And I’ve missed this space. Delicious Juice Dot Com turns 20 on March 30th, and it deserves more love than I’ve been giving it lately. That changes today!

I’ll post the reviews (both mid and post-high; the mid-high reviews will generally be goofy because hi it’s me) here under the category DRUGS (why be subtle). I will link out to products when I can, but I’m not getting anything from vendors for reviews – my blog will remain as minimally beneficial to me as possible, as always. I may not much, but I have my integrity.

Integrity, a staggering amount of marijuana, and this amazing rack.

It’s good to be me.

ignore the filthy table plz