infinite overboard

We don’t generally celebrate Halloween. Giving our religious background, we don’t feel right worshipping Satan and hahah yeah that’s not it. Honestly, in-office Halloween celebrations were the only real “celebrating” we did, and once the office went away, October 31st was just another day. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Halloween – I just didn’t have an excuse to dress up, because I had nowhere to go. For the last 6 years, my default costume has been “Sexy Technical Writer”, because I wear it so well.

My last actual attempt at a Halloween costume was in 2014, when I went to work dressed as an anachronism: Han Solo outfit, Star Trek crew badge, phaser, and Starfleet Academy class ring, Firefly’s Independents flag, a wooden stake, an ADAM syringe from Bioshock, and a dozen other nerdy bibs and bobs from assorted universes. I thought I was brilliant and hilarious, but I had to explain it a lot and any costume that requires a lengthly explanation is probably not the success you’re hoping for.

Last year for Halloween we were on Salt Spring Island. This year we have no plans that don’t involve sitting on our balcony, but for the past year or so I have been all about the overkill: let’s do something, but let’s do it BIG and COMPLICATED. Things that start out as a simple “wonder if I could do this” turn into productions, with logos and labels and quality control and databases. Forgetting simple things led to digital display boards and spreadsheets. Reorganize the spice cabinet? MAGNETS. So, when I decided I wanted to do Halloween for realz this year, shit got chaotic.

It started out kind of simple: if I got a specific wig and dress, I could call it a day and it would be a low-effort but decent costume.

Then I remembered a) we have a door, and b) the door is yellow. It, like everything else in my life, snowballed from there.

I was going for “pumpkin”, but “Lovecraftian horror” is good too

All I needed to do next was stand in front of the door:

stand in the place that you live

I did a pretty good job standing, but it was missing something:

what is this, an infinity room for ANTS?!

WAIT this is Halloween – where’s the candy?!

ngl I am fucking hilarious

Pumpkins are not just for Halloween, but you can’t have a Yayoi Kusama costume without at least one pumpkin:

also, cat

.. or a dinosaur:

special guest star: lil yayoi!

Or everything all at once:

I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to spend most of November attacking my door with a paint scraper and some Goo Gone, but I don’t care – it was worth it. I may never do another costume – this was surprisingly expensive to put together because I kept having ideas – but I did the heck out of this one and the pictures make me laugh.

Also did I mention that I BUILT A FUCKING INFINITY ROOM BOX?

I have an office redecoration idea but I’m gonna need a lot of mirrors

Thank you to Ed for indulging my idea and helping with the picture taking and grosser parts of the pumpkin carving process!

I wonder how long I could keep my door like this.

Happy Halloween from #halfwack!

horselain

For all my mouth-foaming at the myriad of ridiculous/offensive “sexy” Halloween costumes available, I am somewhat ashamed to admit that I actually did go out and buy one for myself; complete with “sexy” label and ridiculous double entendres. Shame or not, I stand by my assertion that my costume shouldn’t really count as such for the following reasons:

  • I’ve got regular clothes that are way, way more risque
  • It’s actually really cute and something I would totally wear for not-Halloween
  • I don’t want to be Girl Mario for the third year in a row
  • Everyone tells me “Sexy Tech Writer” isn’t an actual costume

Sure, I will spend my Thursday freezing my ass off and being terribly self-conscious that my skirt is too short and I’m not showing enough boob, but what’s Halloween if not an excuse to dress in cheap, flammable material laden with inconsistencies and velcro?

Also, I am nothing if not helpful: if there happens to be a cute girl looking for a free room in Yaletown, you may be interested in this Craigslist ad. It’s not creepy at all, and is a perfect opportunity for anyone who is:

  • Cute
  • A girl
  • Doesn’t mind sharing a room with a “nice proffesional guy in [his] 30s”
  • Wants to also be friends (hang out)
  • Is thrustworthy and cute
  • Wants to live in a high rise apartment with lots of amenities
  • Is named Roxanne

add "thinks Yaletown is on East Pender" to the list above

add “thinks Yaletown is on East Pender” to the list above

There are thousands of delusional ads like this on Craigslist, but in my heart of hearts I hope that “thrustworthy” was an intentional addition and not just a typo because it is sheer perfection.

I wonder if I could rent out my Lady Cave in the same manner? FREE ROOM FOR NAKED MAN must like to cross swords and do helicopters for my amusement plz be thrustworthy.

sexy blog post costume

Megan posted this site on Twitter, and I’ve spent the better part of my morning in sheer awe of the number of things you can get “sexy” versions of for Halloween costumes. Seriously, I was full-on prepared to hate the idea that Halloween is simply a reason to dress in skin-tight, cleavage-baring outfits (when that shit should be done EVERYDAY), but then I started to really look at the options available beyond the traditional “sexy witch” “sexy cat” “sexy nurse” “sexy sex-haver” stuff and was amazed:

Board Games

  • Sexy ScrabbleThis well read gal loves to play more than just word games. He’ll be dying to show off his large…vocabulary when he sees you in the Scrabble Sexy Deluxe Costume which includes: A glossy game board screen-printed dress featuring a fabric tile trim, matching tile bracelets and a petticoat for a little extra bounce.
  • Sexy Operation: Play Doctor in a whole new way! Get ready to play doctor in this Operation Sexy Adult Costume! Costume includes one yellow, red, and white dress printed with Operation symbols, matching fingerless gloves, and red character nose on a stick.
  • Sexy CandyLand

Movies that Don’t Really Lend Themselves to Costumes OR Sex

  • Silence of the Lambs: A sexy lady gone psycho! Clarice has nothing on this cannibalistic sexy psychopath! Transform into a riddle chanting killer babe this Halloween. The Silence of The Lambs Sexy Adult Costume includes a white fitted straight jacket style dress with attached arm ties.
  • Halloween: A truly sexy psychopath! You wont have to chase your next victim down they will be lined up waiting for you! Transform into a sexy version of a horrific killer this Halloween! The Halloween – Sexy Michael Myers Adult Costume includes a fitted blue zip front jumpsuit.
  • Friday the 13thNot your average camp counselor. Camp Crystal Lake’s savage and scintillating co-ed heats up those Halloween nights in the Sexy Ms. Voorhees costume. Jason’s hockey jersey has been re-designed to hug your curves and seduce your victims into submission. Red stripe trim, classic “Jason” insignia, screen-printed “Voorhees – 13” on the back and a V-neckline are all features that put a sassy twist on this Friday the 13th costume favorite. A Jason Hockey Mask handbag* is also included to stash all of your slasher essentials.
  • Robocop: Peter Weller never looked so hot.

To Hell With Your Childhood

Victims are Hot

  • Mental WardDrive ’em crazy in this sexy style! You’ll look insanely alluring in the Goin’ Outta My Mind Adult Costume which includes: A blood splattered stretch Bengaline two way zip front dress with elongated straight jacket sleeves and adjustable buckles with uneven hemline. A matching hat with “Mental Ward” detail and faux blood.
  • Slaughter House SurvivorThe gory days. Makes you think twice about hitting up that meat market this Halloween, huh? Either way, you’ll look bloody fabulous this Slaughter House Survivor Adult Costume! Includes a black and white bloodied dress, leg garter with detachable “bloody putty” prop, bloody knife headband, torn pantyhose and 3 band aids.
  • Slasher StarYou always did want to be on the silver screen. Make your horror flick debut this Halloween in this Slasher Star Adult Costume. It’ll be a real scream! Costume includes a bloodied black and white dress, wrist bandage, “HELP!” word bubble headband and bloody knife prop.

Sexy Cultural Stereotypes 

Just Plain Disturbing

  • Dying to Please You – sexy costume, or clever social commentary? Sadly, I think it’s the former.
  • Pocahottie – .. REALLY?
  • .. every fucking thing on the site, really

There’s so many more incredulous things on this one site alone that I can’t even. I’m amused and horrified. I’m annoyed that the Sexy Scrabble costume’s board doesn’t follow traditional Scrabble rules. I’m sad there’s no Sexy Optimus Prime (but I bet I could find one elsewhere). I’m horrified at the sheer number of offensive cultural stereotype costumes in the sexy category alone. I’m .. suddenly craving candy corn (but not Sexy Candy Corn).

My head hurts.