I am very much afraid that Ed and I are the yuppie equivalent of rural white trash. We live in a condo and don’t have a yard, but if we DID, it would be covered in vehicles and refrigerators and oil drums full of holes because we were shooting at them while drunk on Coors Light in a non-ironic way.

I’m slowly getting used to living under the all-seeing thumb of a strata, but it’s definitely an adjustment. On one hand, it’s good to see that the building actually gets things done – it seems that each week there’s a new notice in the elevator about improvements to security or new amenities being installed. On the other hand, it is sometimes a giant, inconvenient pain in the ass.

Next week they’re going to be power washing the parkade and have asked that everyone remove their vehicles for the day. This is a fairly benign request, and while it may cause some juggling and the McDonald’s parking to be suspiciously full for the day, it’s not that big a deal.

.. unless you’re the yuppie equivalent of rural white trash, as Ed and I are.

Sure, we only have one car. That can be moved wherever, whenever (we’re meant to be together; my boobs are small lalala). But what about the three scooters and three bicycles we have? That’s seven goddamn modes of transportation I have to magically move out of the parkade and put somewhere else while they wash all the grime and dust out of our car hole. I can only ride one thing at a time, so that takes care of Lola and Ed’s scooter – if it’s not raining – but what about the other five? This is very annoying.

I’m fully aware that this is a ridiculous problem to have – oh poor me, I have too many toys and nowhere to put them – but I’m surprised that someone didn’t think that MAYBE it might be a problem for 55 family units to remove all vehicles and bicycles for a day. Most people may only have one car and a couple of bikes, tops – but there’s at least one other family in our building with two motorcycles in addition to the family car. Maybe Ed and I shouldn’t collect vehicles like other people collect headboard notches – but a life without seven different transportation options (8 if you include transit) is not a life I want to be living.

Hey, relatively new girl – if you’ve somehow managed to miss all FOUR of the training sessions I held on Excellent Technical Topic Number 76, you don’t GET to have a “bone to pick” with me. You can give me a nice reminder that you still need the training, or email me asking when the next session will be, or even ask your supervisor who can submit the request to me on your behalf – but ambushing me in the kitchen when I’m getting my caffeine first thing in the morning and demanding I acknowledge your picked bone is WAY out of line and you suck so many balls it’s surprising you don’t choke.

I am frazzled. I almost hate taking multiple days off work because everything seems to be in such disarray when I return, negating any relaxing I might have done during my time off. Today was an excellent example of why I should never leave the office – for someone that everyone else tends to overlook unless they need something (“Kimli just makes things pretty!”), I sure am important when I’m not around.

Today marks another milestone in the Life of Kimli – while it isn’t official until I receive confirmation, I have officially dropped out of college. This completes my Educational Trifecta of Awesome:

• Didn’t graduate high school
• Graduated one college
• Dropped out of another

Yeah! I am a whirlwind of inaction!

In other news, I may have accidentally gotten Shan pregnant. Sorry ‘bout that, Shan.

It’s too soon to say for sure, but I think I may have escaped the weekend in Victoria utterly free from emotional trauma. Score!

We got home last night and spent a leisurely evening doing absolutely nothing. Unsure of how long we were to be at my mother’s beck and call, we had taken today off as well – and after sleeping in until 11am (and waking up with a 22lb cat lying across my face as though I were the most comfortable of pillows), there is an entire Monday of freedom ahead. Naturally, the day won’t be exciting – I’m planning on doing the errands I couldn’t do this past weekend, and then getting some groceries – but I will enjoy it because a day off is a wonderful thing. I wouldn’t even put pants on, if I didn’t think I’d get kicked out of Safeway otherwise.

Hey, you should buy some Smuttons. All proceeds go towards my having ridiculous adventures, the aftermaths of which I will inevitably post here.

I am excited about buying bread later today, so clearly I NEED to have some ridiculous adventures and SOON before I turn into my worst nightmare.

i love you hipstamatic

The following things are not relaxing at all:

• Listening to my mother yell at the cat because he’s scratching on the couch
• The follow-up conversations in which she attempts to engage the cat in a debate about why he feels the need to scratch the couch
• .. using baby talk
• And repeating herself over and over and over and over and over and over because the cat is not answering one way or another about why he is scratching on the couch
• Taking a relaxing hot bath with mom yelling at me every two minutes to make sure I’m not dead
• Unsalted potato chips
• Putting eyedrops in someone else’s eye

i'm *trying*

Mom is a compulsive shopper, and will buy anything if it’s a great deal. This was very handy when I lived in the city – I didn’t buy toilet paper, toothpaste or dish soap until I was in my mid-20s, because I would simply go home and raid the mighty stores of mom and dad. She doesn’t have as much room these days to store a warehouse worth of paper goods – god help us if she ever gets a Costco membership – but she is likely set for tissue paper and potato chips for life.

It’s not just household goods, either. She was very excited to show me the 3 or 4 shirts she was wearing to keep warm – “only $6!” – and the many, many hoodies and weird-coloured capri pants bought for 95% off because very few people can pull off teal and peach without looking like a festive Easter leper.

Every time I come home, I have to make room in my vehicle because mom likes to give me things that she finds on sale. I’ve recieved untold numbers of no-name bath sets (and the male equivilent for Ed, random shaving kits); enough to perfume most of Hastings St. This trip is no different – so far, she’s given us:

a frying pan (it’s very deep)
a knife (we each had to give her a quarter in exchange for the knife, for good luck)
a rather nice fuzzy couch blanket thing
a bed-in-a-bag set (for a bed size we don’t have, but I will find a use for it)

I don’t have the heart to tell her we don’t need this stuff, because she collects it in between visits and she does mean well. I’m glad I’m not on my scooter this time, though – she gave me a frying pan LAST time too, and it looked very weird coming out the side of my saddle bag.

It just wouldn’t be a trip home if I didn’t come back with a carfull of weird stuff.

Except for the terrifying glimpse into the, like, totally rad you know? world of the Scientists of Tomorrow, I am cautiously optimistic about this trip. Mom’s place is warm and dry, and she somehow acquired a sofabed from somewhere meaning that Ed and I don’t have to sleep head-to-toe on the Plywood Bench of Uncomfortable Times. I don’t know where the sofabed came from, but it doesn’t smell like Hobo Juices so I will not look into the mystery any further. Sometimes it’s downright enjoyable to remain blissfully ignorant.

Another treat is in store for us tomorrow morning – it turns out mom’s surgery isn’t until noon, meaning I don’t have to get up at the asscrack of dawn to make my way over to the Eyeball Clinic at the hospital. It’s a small thing, but one I will gladly accept with legs splayed wide open on the mysterious yet comfortable sofabed.

It’s been two hours, and I have most of my sanity left.

I have a boner for crime and crafts!

The Vancouver Police Museum is offering a series of Forensic Workshops for adults, and I am SO GOING. The sessions are $12 per person, and held on Tuesday nights starting on March 16th. The topics announced so far are:

Forensic Pathology: How autopsies are performed and how information can be gathered from a body to determine cause of death or solve a crime

Blood Splatter: Bloodstain Pattern Analysis (with experiments!)

Ballistics: Analysis of bullets, impacts, and trajectories

There are two sessions each Tuesday night, one at 6:30 and one at 8. I’ve bought tickets for Ed and I for next Tuesday’s early session, and I am so excited! I LOVE forensics, and have been known to use my extensive crime-causing skills to try to solve the crime that I inevitably had a hand in. Tickets are available online only – go get yours now, as the sessions will fill up quickly!

If dead bodies and arterial spray aren’t your bag, consider an evening at the Museum of Vancouver. Their DIY Night was wildly popular, and they’re doing it again on April 9th. Tickets are available online or at the door, but if you’re determined to go I suggest you snap your ticket up early and don’t decide to wander in late like Miranda and I did last time – we barely got our hands on crafting supplies; such was the demand. I’ve already bought my ticket – see you there!

If that’s too far away for your liking, the MOV will be showing Handmade Nation on Friday March 19th at 7pm. Got Craft is doing a mini craft fair, and Miranda and I will be on hand selling our various fabulous/filthy things. It should be a blast!

There are a lot of awesome things going on in this city – why not get outside and experience some of them? There’s a time and place for sitting on your ass and watching TV night after night, and it comes when you’re in your 80’s. Support local fun before it’s too late!

Miranda is turning 30 on the 20th, and has decided she is having a Fancy Dress Party to celebrate. People have been asking us to define “fancy”, to which I have been responding with “whatever means fancy to you”. Top hat and tails? Jeans without holes? Cocktail dress? Ball gown? Cashmere twin set with pearls? All of these things apply.

I had been pushing Miranda to throw a costume party, so to placate my wishes (because it is important that I get what I want on HER birthday) she added a decree – dress as fancy as you like, but OVER THE TOP fancy will be true name of the game. Well! Over the top, eh? I believe I just might be able to do that.

It just so happens that I’ve been looking for an underbust corset for some time. Unlike a traditional corset, of which I own several, an underbust corset is meant to display the entire bosom instead of just the top. When I heard that I was to be over the top fancy for the party, I knew what I had to do – take it literally.

I wasn’t sure how much an off-the-shelf underbust corset would cost me, or where I’d even find one with enough time to prepare for the party – but the internet came through for me once again. Courtesy of eBay, I was able to procure not one but THREE ridiculous corsets for the party that fit astonishingly well for the price tag (the three corsets including exchange came to less than $80 with free shipping). They’re glorious, they’re hysterical, and they fit – I am thrilled.

When I got home, I promptly tried on my intended outfit for Ed – it includes pasties out of necessity, not for fun – and he did an immediate double-take and declared the getup to be “too much” for outside wear.

Jackpot.

Citation for indecent exposure, here I come. I can’t wait!

I can, however, wait for this weekend: I do NOT want to go to Victoria. It’s going to be wet, cold, uncomfortable and boring. Playing nursemaid for my demanding mother is a thing of horror under the best of circumstances; this time I won’t be able to run away on my scooter for a few precious moments of sanity. You’re damn right I’m afraid, and for good reason. She pees in a bucket, people. This is not normal.

Updated to include links – headache has made me forgetful. The corsets came from Hong Kong and were probably made by tiny orphans who receive one meager bowl of watery gruel per day and get beaten when they don’t sew fast enough, but I try not to think about that (I’m kidding – please don’t storm my castle with pitchforks). There are three different stores on eBay that are actually the same group, with slightly different stock in each one:

Rouge Roses

Make Me Sexy

and Wedding Checklist

I’ve since bought a 4th corset, which is on the way here. I’d like to actually replace the lacing in the ones I have – they came laced with ribbon which, while pretty, does little to keep things snug – but they’re really awesome especially for the price.

And if you’re curious as to just how ridiculous we’re talking:

you will never, ever see me in this - but it is spectacular.

This is the only full corset I bought – I couldn’t resist.

I think I’ve lost my purpose.

Maybe I just have a case of the Tuesdays.

Either way, all is not right inside my head and I am glum.