I appear to have an Etsy shop. Have at it!

If you dislike purchasing things on the internet, I will be selling both Smuttons and Smittens at the MOV on March 19th, and at Got Craft on May 2nd.

Whee!

i made a non-xxx version!

I may have discovered the most horrible thing in the world!

I was in dire need of hydration last night so I grabbed a water bottle to fill and bring to bed. When I picked it up, it seemed a little heavy and also rattled. I didn’t think much of it – it was late and I was tired – but then I opened it up to give it a quick rinse.

There was ooze. Thick, chunky ooze in a vast array of colours. I peered into the bottle, and – oh god, no.

I hadn’t used this particular bottle in at least four months; before we moved into Sparta. I vaguely remembered taking it to work and shoving a lemon wedge inside so I could enjoy lemon water with my routers. I assume I had brought it home so I could wash it, but .. well, I didn’t. It sat there for weeks and was eventually moved from North Van to my shiny new kitchen, with a piece of lemon quietly rotting away inside. Have you ever smelled something that’s been slowly breaking down in a near-vacuum for a very long time? It is not pleasant. In fact, I blame the smell on why I was unable to sleep until almost 2am. The smell, and being tea bagged by a 22-pound cat.

The weekend was both productive and quiet at the same time. Friday night saw us over at Miranda and Reilly’s place for Tanya’s goodbye party – she’s leaving with Barry to live in Calgary next week, so we all gathered to drink and be merry in her honour. I got to test out the Smuttons, which went over surprisingly well – people were clamoring to get their piece of naughtiness. Reilly made a killer video of the evening that you should really check out here, and you can even play “Guess the Rack” on Tanya’s Twitpic account as she went around taking pictures of everyone’s boobs. Can you figure out which set is mine?

Errands on a gorgeous Saturday had me on my scooter for most of the afternoon, and a visit to Voltage and Bodacious got me some yummy things. I even decorated Lola a little before going home to sit out the headache that came crashing down on me and made me sad. Ed trapped me into watching a movie with him – Black Dynamite – and I made so many buttons.

Sunday I did nothing. Well, I did four loads of laundry and made some tachos to eat during the Oscars, but other than that I did nothing. I cut out many more rounds for my buttons, including every penis I could find in my Playgirl – so many peeners! None of them are particularly sexy though, because erections aren’t allowed for some reason – so I have a whole lot of flaccid wangs in button form. Yay? The Man Smuttons will be a limited thing, because unless I can get my hands on some INTERESTING peener porn I will stick to the ladies – so much more fun.

This week I’m heading to Victoria to accompany my mother to her cataract surgery on her other eye. I did this by myself last July, and it completely broke my brain – so this time, I’m making Ed come with me. He’s so much better at dealing with my mother than I am. I might even make it through the weekend with my sanity intact!

EEEEEEEE MY CORSETS JUST ARRIVED! GOTTA GO!

next step: a baby doll strapped to my back

I need more pornography.

I’ve spent the last couple nights elbow deep in vaginas and smut, making my filthy buttons. I don’t know if there’s a market for these, but I find them absolutely hilarious and will attempt to sell them anyway – I have an unused Etsy store, and I can bring them to Got Craft events. I’ll have to hide them away from the easily offended, but I’ll have some on hand for people who want a little bit of secret filth. In fact, that’s the whole point: a naughty little nugget; a perverted piece of flair. Something to have a secret giggle at when you have to play nice and be professional – Big Brother might try to keep you in line, but who’s going to get in your way when you’ve got more than one hidden vagina? No one, that’s who.

I need to get little baggies for the buttons, but I’ve got a catchy name and a label made already. I’m going to sell them in packs of 4 for $5, or $1.50 each. I don’t really care if they don’t actually sell – I will keep them in jars, just like I do those organs I found once – but I kinda hope they do. It amuses me to wear secret pornography, and I’m sure I can’t be the only one.

I do need to make a run to some used bookstores for some old smut, though – I only had one Penthouse magazine lying around and it’s been cut into many pieces for my own hilarity. The image buttons are pretty cool, but the text ones are definitely my favourite – a little more subtle than wearing an eagle-spread vagina on your lapel, at any rate. Unless you’re into that sort of thing; then who am I to stop you?

In other news: I have new glasses, I’m going to a party tonight, I submitted myself to two hilarious things that will utterly terrify me if I somehow sneak past the screening process, people are submitting questions to my Formspring that aren’t about sex and it’s kind of refreshing, and Miranda’s having a Fancy Dress party in two weeks for her birthday and I can’t WAIT because my outfit is centered around pasties.

No, seriously, I have confidence issues. Can’t you tell?

(these aren't actually smuttons; i'm at work)

with love and without pants

Yeah, this is going to be fun:

i think i'm going to need more porn

BUTTONS!

Well, not yet. More specifically: BUTTON MAKER!

I received a bonus at work last week, and had to make a decision – do I put the money towards an iMac, or buy a button maker? I went back and forth on this and asked everyone I knew for advice before deciding on the button maker. The former option would certainly be more exciting, but would require me to spend an extra $1000 – whereas the latter was still exciting, but would allow me to pay down some debt and fill my house with jars upon jars of buttons.

Also, maybe I will get a tax return and then I can get an iMac anyway.

I searched eBay until I found the perfect item – a button maker, a circle cutter, and 1000 supplies for a decent price. It arrived today, and now I am armed with everything I need to make many, many buttons. Hooray! And just in case 1000 wasn’t enough, I also purchased an additional 1000 supplies – 2000 buttons! YAY!

Since I can’t really WEAR 2000 buttons, I will have to come up with fun things to do with them. I believe I will make Delicious Juice Dot Com Button Sets available, and do themed sets – admit it; you’ve always wanted goatse on your lapel – mostly for fun and maybe a little for profit. I’ll make some insufferable announcements when things are available for the purchasing!

The button maker comes just in time, too – Miranda and I will be attending the Museum of Vancouver’s showing of Handmade Nation on March 19th, and participating in the mini-Got Craft fair there. I can make buttons to sell along with my remaining Purl Necklaces stock, and whatever I can whip up between now and then. I’ve been experimenting with the shiny things I’ve been getting in the mail, and made this last night:

i swear it's prettier in person - i don't have good lighting at my desk

I’ve been fascinated with gem clusters lately, and figured that making my own was cheaper than buying them by the dozen. I don’t know if anyone will think they’re pretty beyond me, but it can’t hurt to try. I’ll be selling whatever I make (assuming I can part with my lovely shiny things) for ridiculous prices, because I feel bad when people give me money. I am the worst entrepreneur *ever*.

All the fun is in the creation, though. Making stuff is awesome! I can’t wait to go home so I can destroy our living room with craft stuff everywhere! Buttons and jewels for everyone, hooray!

It’s a typical Sunday morning around these parts; nothing special. I’ve gone about my regular routine:

• Wake up early
• Put on a t-shirt
• Go to a diner
• Order coffee
• Have Miranda cut a deep V in my t-shirt because I am uncomfortable with the amount of skin I am not showing
• Drink my coffee, for real
• Go to a bar at 10am
• .. to watch hockey Team Canada defeat Team USA in the gold medal hockey game 3-2 in overtime, winning our 14th gold medal and setting a record for the most number of golds won by a host country in the Winter Olympics, with several hundred of my closest friends
• Get smoked up!
• Get interviewed! (not in relation to getting smoked up)
• Go home and throw a party

You know, regular stuff. Status quo, really.

now i love Canada and DON'T have a uniboob

Last night was so weird.

I didn’t really want to go out – the last couple weeks have caught up with me – but Renee convinced me that it would be a good idea. Also, if I skipped the show, it would have been a second time I had purchased Jonathan Coulton tickets and bailed. Since I’m not quite that fiscally irresponsible (but close), I decided to suck up my tiredness and go to the show. I knew I would have fun, but it just seemed like such a hassle to put pants on and leave the house.

I’m glad I went, though. The show was great – Paul and Storm were fun, Molly was adorable, and JoCo is too geek-sexy for his own good. A few people from my Twitter stream were in attendance, and we ran into Donna and Nick.

And .. I got recognized.

I don’t mean in a “oh hey I thought that was you, how’s it going” from a casual acquaintance kind of recognize, I mean a full-on “oh my god it’s Kimli! You’re Delicious Juice Dot Com! I can’t believe it’s you! YAY!” kind of recognize.

It was sweet and embarrassing and cute – I’ve never been recognized like that before, and certainly not with that much enthusiasm. Megan was so happy to meet me and I was so confused as to why – it’s just ME – but when I stopped blushing (about 4 hours later), I was very honoured and delighted. I feel so famous! Renee pointed out to me that I’ve been running this blog for almost 9 years, and I certainly don’t try to keep it secret. There’s no way I can know who does and doesn’t read me, so it only makes sense that I might run into a reader who I don’t know personally out there somewhere. Still, that didn’t make me any less flummoxed and giggly about it – I’m sure I sounded like a total idiot. Megan was adorable though (and for some reason I remember that she had really soft hands – hi, I am creepy), so I did the only thing I could think of – I told her to email me, and we’ll hang out. It’s what I do! Everyone should come out to play!

The show was great, but we (and 8 others) were unable to retrieve our cars afterward, thanks to ambiguous signage. Yes, the gates close at 9pm and vehicles will only be able to exit the parkade – but that implies that there is, in fact, a way to get back INTO the parkade to perform the above-mentioned exit. There wasn’t. Three angry phone calls and an understanding security man later, we were allowed to escape our iron prison and eventually made it home after being reverse kidnapped outside the Rio.

I hope the rain lets up, because I’m planning on going to the VAG after work. The idiots behind Critical Mass are going ahead with their usual last-Friday-of-the-month Operation: Jerkwad, which will be interesting to behold. As well, I’ve heard that a haka will be performed around 6pm and I really want to go see because the haka is awesome. It’s the last Friday of the Olympics, and I’m not yet done having fun – rain or no rain, I’m going outside to play tonight.

This is fantastic:

Health officials in Vancouver have already provided 100,000 free condoms to the roughly 7,000 ahtletes and officials at the Games. That’s about 14 condoms per person. But as of Wednesday, those supplies started running dangerously low.

So naturally, the Canadian Foundation for AIDS research decided to step and make sure there were no hitches in Olympic action.

“When we heard about the condom shortage in Vancouver, we felt it important to respond immediately,” said Kerry Whiteside, CANFAR’s Executive Director. The organization assembled three large boxes of about 8,500 condoms, much to the relief of libidos at the Olympic Village. They’re expected to arrive on Thursday.

Free condoms first started to be distributed at the Olympics in Barcelona at the 1992 Games. This appears to be the first time that a shortage has struck the Games.

Now, if only I could get my hands on some. Anyone want to hook me up? A girl can always use free condoms.

Yesterday I was in a foul mood, so I did the only thing possible: I went shopping. I know it’s terribly girlie of me, but it really did help – especially since I bought these:

go canada boots go!

They are *awesome*. People have said that they’re both ridiculous and over the top, but hello – have you met me? I’ve always wanted a pair of Go-go boots, and this is as close as I’m likely to get. All I need now is the Canada corset/skirt Pam and Scott made for me, and I’ll be a walking spectacle of patriotism and boobs:

standing on guard for thee (in 2003)

Even without the corset, I’m rocking the boots today to cheer for our curlers and women’s hockey team. Look at me, caring about sports and junk! It’s so cute.

The weather has turned gorgeous again, and I am full of angst that I am not outside to enjoy the last few days of the Olympics. I never thought that I’d be this into things, but it’s been a blast and I will be sad to see it all over.

No time for that now, though – I have pins to mail out and ridiculous boots to rock, not to mention a concert to go to tonight (finally going to see Jonathan Coulton live – rocking out, nerd style). Yay!