I’ve done a lot of interesting stuff in my time on this planet. I’ve addressed crowds of thousands at the biggest tech shows in the world. I’ve stood up in front of hundreds with my assets trussed up and on display. I’ve shared deep personal secrets to the internet at large; voluntarily given my DNA to the government just to see what would happen. I’ve sat on panels and given unprepared speeches from the heart; turned a love of video games into travel and adventure. I’ve done some things, alright. Things that would make other people faint or cringe or outright refuse. I may be an unabashed coward with a deathly fear of people, but I have a surprisingly wide streak of bravery when it comes to doing things that I should logically dread.

Knowing that I, for all my anxious hyperventilation and overactive imagination, can really do some amazing things if I ignore my fear just makes it all that much worse to realize that I am nervous – no, I am TERRIFIED – because my mother will be here before sunset.

I am quaking in my stylish yet affordable boots at the thought of having to entertain my mother for 48 hours.

I changed outfits three times this morning.

I scrubbed the fuse cover on my oven last night.

I HID (well, obscured) MY GAY PORN.

This weekend will either be hilarious or fatal.

this was taken at our wedding. ed is telling me to behave myself, and i am watching my mother tell a crowd of strangers inappropriate things.

Things that would normally amuse me:

• There was a cool handmade bookmark with a worry doll on it on my keyboard at work this morning; I think it’s from my boss. It is pretty, and I like surprise presents
• While standing at the elevator in the parkade waiting to go down, a man who parked behind me came running into the stairwell and said  “thanks for driving so fast up the ramps!”. He wasn’t being sarcastic; he was really late for a meeting and needed to park ASAP. He took the stairs down the 6 floors, but I got out on the ground floor at the same time he did. He laughed at himself, then went out the wrong door. He then asked me what floor we parked on, said he should have stayed in bed this morning, and ran out the door. He was funny. I told him I hoped his day went better from that point on and he said if it didn’t, he quits.

Sasha’s at the vet. I have pet insurance, but it doesn’t cover whatever she’s going to need done. The tests alone will be $450, so it is a very very good thing that the in-laws gave us a giant gift card to Safeway for Christmas so we will be able to eat. The vet thinks she may have hyperthyroidism, which the internet tells me is  a good thing because the prognosis for most cats is good to excellent.

Okay, scratch the optimism. The vet just called me and said:

• Sasha has a heart murmur but no arrhythmia, and her heart rate is on the slow side
• Her blood pressure is good
• Her teeth are excellent
• She’s very thin
• She’s been given antibiotics because she may have some e-coli in her system
• Vet thinks she has hyperthyroidism and kidney disease, or just kidney disease
• .. plus a kidney infection
• Her abdomen is tense
• Blood work is getting picked up at 10am so they should know more
• She recommends x-rays and will show them to us this afternoon at 4:45
• The bill is now around $600

The cost is making my butt hurt, but I really can’t complain – we’ve never had to pay a lot for the well-being of our cats, and Sasha is worth it. I’ll find a way to pay for it somehow – anyone want to buy naked pictures of Ed? – and we’ll see. If she’s fixable, I .. will cry more, probably. I just want my grumpy, loud, demanding Sasha back.

Sasha is dying, and I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I have a little more composure (and I’m out of Kleenex at work), so I suppose I can provide more information.

Sasha turned 14 in October. She was born in October of 1994, and I’ve had her since May of 1995. She’s been my longest relationship, and the only time we were separated – Brooks kept her for 4 months while I got myself settled in Calgary – was hell. She is my favourite, and I am her person.

In late 2007 she started showing signs of age. She lost a lot of weight and had a great deal of difficulty keeping her food down. I took her to the vet who had me change her food but basically said “she’s old”. Her muscles were beginning to atrophy, and her kidneys were starting to go. I took her home, and the change in food seemed to help a little – she gained a little weight and threw up less often.

A year later though, we were back at the same place. Sasha had started to throw up in alarming amounts again and was creating some earth-shattering stenches in the litterbox. She lost more weight, and began drinking enormous quantities of water (which she doesn’t always keep down). The vet suggested we try a different food that she seems to enjoy very much, but can’t really keep down for very long.

This past weekend, Sasha started having accidents in strange places. She’s listless and tired, seeming to barely have the energy to look my way when I pet her bony frame. She’s so frail that it hurts my heart to look at her. I pick her up, and she’s so small – she can’t weigh more than 5 pounds. I can’t tell if she’s hurting. She purrs and responds to attention, but she’s not well. I can deny it all I want, but it’s too obvious now.

We’re going to the vet tomorrow morning. Ed is telling me to prepare for the worst, but even typing that out makes me sob. I can’t let her go. She’s my Sasha, my baby, my pain in the ass, my best friend. I don’t want to have to choose between the compassionate thing to do and what won’t absolutely destroy me. This isn’t fair.

I had a lot of people ask me what the hell “Death Pasta” is on Twitter, so I thought I would post the recipe and the story behind the name.

I’ve been making this recipe for .. oh god, a really long time. Like, 15 years. Scary. Anyway, it’s a heavily modified recipe I found in a Chatelaine magazine somewhere. It needed a name because I made it a LOT, and for whatever reason the name “Death Pasta” stuck. It neither tastes like nor brings about death; the name is simply an example of how incredibly edgy I was/am. Oh yes. I am a hardcore mistress of the night.

The recipe has changed very little over the years. I removed some ingredients that seemed pointless – an egg and breadcrumbs – and changed up the cheeses a little, but it’s still the same tasty goodness I used to feed my friends and various strangers (I made the dish for around 30 people at a LAN party). It’s not for the faint of heart, but you WILL be safe from vampires for at least a week after.

Death Pasta ala Kimli

You will need:

• 1-1.5 lbs ground beef of varying leanness (I only use extra lean)
• 2 medium white onions
• 1 green pepper
• 1 bulb of garlic
• Olive oil (EVOO ftw)
• Parmesan
• Mozza
• Oregano
• Basil
• Black pepper
• Salt
• Sugar
• 1 28oz/796ml can of diced tomatoes
• 1 can of tomato paste
• Some sort of pasta (last night I used bow ties!)

Using a food processor (unless you are a sucker for punishment; then you can do it by hand), chop up one onion and 2-3 cloves of garlic. Add it to the ground beef, along with 3 tablespoons of Parmesan, 1 tablespoon of pepper, 1 tablespoon of dried oregano, and 1 teaspoon of salt. Smoosh it all up – I usually do it by hand, but last night I used my Kitchen Aid mixer and it was super keen. Once everything has been smooshed nicely, put it in a frying pan with 1-2 tablespoons of olive oil and scramble fry it up. Transfer it to a bowl when done, and set aside.

While the meat is cooking, chop up the other onion, 2-3 more cloves of garlic, and the green pepper the same way you did the first batch. Once the meat is out of the pan, add the veggies with a little bit of water (2-3 tbs). Add the tin of tomatoes, 2 tablespoons of tomato paste (which I know is a waste; you could probably use the whole can if you wanted) and delicious spices: 1 tablespoon of dried oregano, 1/2 tablespoon of black pepper, 1.5 teaspoons of dried basil, 1.5 teaspoons white sugar, and 5. teaspoon salt. Simmer madly, stirring occasionally.

As your sauce is bubbling, prepare the pasta according to the package. Drain when done, and place in a casserole dish.

Add the meat, and stir it all up. Add the sauce; repeat the stirring til everything is coated. Sprinkle the top with cheese (I usually use shredded mozza; last night I didn’t have any so I used sliced bocconcini) or cheeses (more Parmesan? Ed likes cheddar, but he is a bad man. Asiago might be nice, too) and bake in oven until cheese is melted. Remove from oven, let sit for a few minutes or you’ll burn yourself, then dive in:

so much tasty

Serves a lot of people, or dinner+lunch+dinner for two people.

Also, Allie asked that I post the recipe for the pecan caramel tarts I made for the New Years Potluck so here you go:

WARNING: these are incredibly easy to make and are really really good. You will find yourself wanting to make them “just because”, which leads to eating them all because you don’t want them to be sad.

Caramel Pecan Tarts

You will need:

Packaged frozen pastry tarts (you COULD make the pastry from scratch if you really wanted, but I am all about the instant gratification)

1 tub of caramel – this was my first time making these, so I tried two different caramels: Litehouse Caramel Dip and President’s Choice Dulce de Luche spread. I personally preferred the former; I found the latter too sweet.

Pecan pieces

Some sort of chocolate

Prepare the tarts as per the box. Toast the pecans in the oven on a baking sheet for 4-5 minutes, then place about a teaspoon of nuts per tart. Spoon in the caramel to fill the tart. Put the tarts in the fridge for at least an hour to firm up the caramel. Melt some chocolate, then drizzle it over the tarts. Serve them room temperature, and bring napkins for both sticky hands and drool.

mmmm

There was a brief – less than half a second, really – period yesterday when I was so bored and done with relaxing that I thought it would be good to get back to work.

Now that I’m actually here, I would give most of someone else’s left arm to be at home bored and naked again.

I had fooled myself into thinking perhaps transit wasn’t SO bad and that I would be okay until spring rolled around again, but this morning I realized my folly in a flash of sweaty, uncomfortable insight: the reason I had so much elbow room on the bus/boat/train last week was because every other person had the time off for the holidays. This morning each leg of my journey was stickier than the last, which had nothing whatsoever to do with my unintentional staring at the cute floppy hipster package belonging to the cute floppy hipster dude standing with his crotch right at my eye level.

I am more or less glad to be back to the daily grind, though. I didn’t have the entire holiday season off, but what I DID have was excellent and chockfull of both good times and epic laziness. As well, the end of the festivities brings us that much closer to the start of spring and scooter season. I can’t wait to ride Oscar again, even if he is being a fickle bitch and won’t start because it’s cold and I haven’t ridden since the start of last month.

On Saturday, I took the plunge and dyed my hair with chemicals instead of fucking around with henna. My previously orange hair is now dark purple, and kind of cool. I tried to take a picture, but it doesn’t really look much different on my iPhone so you’ll just have to take my word for it.

So, is it Friday yet?

Mike tagged me over on Facebook, and since I was too lazy to think of anything to post today, I thought I would do as he asked.

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged.

The real challenge will be coming up with 25 things I haven’t already said, but here goes: Continue reading →

Filed under things that probably only happen to me:

Last night at the party, some of us were taking about the difficulty in taking self portraits with the iPhone.  Unfortunately for me, the entire party went dead silent in one of those eerie mass conversation lulls a split millisecond before I said (loudly, because the other conversations going on around us were lively):

“Remember when I staged that bukkake photo?”

Cue a somewhat embarassed me (but only a little; I have surprisingly little shame) thanking the entire room (featuring some people I met for the first time that evening) for going quiet with supreme timing.

The party was good times! We had Friendmas, which is so much more awesome than Christmas. There were enormous amounts of delicious food:

i made caramel pecan tarts

Festive things dangling:

pretty!

New toys to play with:

taken by ed with my lensbaby composer - click to see big; it's cool

Flavour Tripping:

we are hardcore

And awesome socks:

dressing like a grownup continues to escape me

It was an awesome night! Miranda and Reilly are excellent hosts, and don’t mind that I repeatedly arrange parties in their home. It was a wonderful way to ring in the New Year!

I’ve got a pot roast cooking in the crock pot, comfortable clothes on, and no plans whatsoever. Hooray for .. everything!

Do I know how to party hard OR WHAT.

Last night I borrowed a barcode scanner from work, and proceeded to document the make, model and serial number of each piece of electronica in the house for insurance and anal purposes. WOO! I AM A WILD WOMAN! A well-organized, anal-retentive wild woman!

It’s always a good idea to document your goods, just in case. We have apartment insurance, but should anything ever happen to our place I wouldn’t trust them to rely on just our word that we really did have that many laptops and game consoles. Now I have proof, and soon I will have pictures to go along with my spreadsheet. I am prepared in case of emergency! I’m not welcoming an emergency in any way, but if there happened to be one, I can rest assured that I would eventually be able to replace my many, many toys with equally spectacular ones. Also, making lists is fun.

Yesterday I posted my 2008 in review, but what about the goals I had laid out for myself?

• Get a goddamn job already
• Ride my bicycle more
• Scoot to Victoria; freak out the squares
• Drive to San Francisco! This year’s vacation is (finally) my choice, and we’re going to stand in the shadow of the Golden Gate!
• Get at least one tattoo – maybe 7!
• Resolve the pug issue once and for all (cue this year’s ominous music)
• Be more social
• Eliminate the (admittedly very small, but still) amount of debt incurred since eliminating all our debt

I clearly knocked a few out of the park, but completely missed others. I got a job and it rocks; we scooted to Victoria and the squares were duly freaked out, and I was quite a bit more social than usual. I failed miserably at bike riding; we did not drive to San Francisco, I sadly got a total of 0 new tattoos, and we still have a little bit of debt.

And what of the pug?

It’s still an issue, but it’s on the back burner for now. Getting Lemon this year helped me forget about a pug for now, because even I can see the insanity behind having 4 cats and a dog. I know that I will have a pug one day, but it may be a few years off yet and I am okay with waiting for now.

2009 starts in just over 12 hours. What do I want to accomplish in the upcoming year?

• The usual; eat healthy and get outside more
• Drive to San Francisco – I have Ed’s word that this will happen this year
• Continue to eliminate our debt – the Mazdabator will be paid off in March, which will go a long way in helping us get rid of the other debts
• Here’s a new one: buy fewer video games. Shock and awe and all that, but I actually burned myself out on DS games this year. I currently have 5 unopened titles that I need to find time to play, and I’m just not feeling the burn like I did earlier in 2008
• Really work on that Being Social thing – Vancouver has a large and active blog community but very few people know who I am, even after being a Best of 604’er
• My no-flying in 2008 went really well; let’s continue to be green and attempt to scoot everywhere instead of driving (except to SF)
• Upgrade Oscar to 150ccs so I can go zippy fast hooray!
• Keep living the excellent life
• Be happy and content with Ed and our feline army
• Get my wordy tattoo
• Take over the world

How about you? Any grand aspirations for 2009?