Category Archives: medical anomaly

it’s alive?

Posted in everyday kimli, medical anomaly by

This is the longest I’ve been able to sit up since Tuesday. I am not entirely sure I am not hallucinating this – am I real? Are you? When I think words they appear on the screen, so clearly this can’t be real. Awesome; I’m hallucinating a blog post. Welcome to Delirious Juice Dot Com!

HAH the idiot girl downstairs who keeps trying to smoke out her windows and getting caught and in shit is now standing in a bathrobe on the sidewalk smoking a cigarette. Suck it, bitch. This is a no smoking building. I only wish it was raining.

When I cough, pieces of my lungs come up. They are gross and spongy. I do not like it. My whole body hurts, but less than yesterday – yesterday was not a good day. Today I am slightly more alive, but not by much.

I’m so dirty. I wonder if I could manage a shower later.

Ed skipped a business trip to stay home with me. I feel terrible about this, but I’d have done the same for him. Apparently I need adult supervision when I’m in the throes of horrible death flu – yesterday I had a screaming freak out because something went POP! and then I panicked because it was late and no one was around. I missed a really important phone call because I was so out of it, and since Tuesday I’ve watched 15 hours of CSI yet don’t have the foggiest idea how to commit the perfect murder. This flu sucks ass.

I am so not looking forward to work on Monday – I’ve effectively fucked my entire month because of this, and I haven’t got a clue how to get my schedule back on track. Of all the rotten times to get sick ..

I will be glad when I am better and not mostly dead. At least my chills seem to have subsided; for the first time since Tuesday night I am neither too hot nor too cold. It’s a small win, but I’ll take it.

no help

Posted in medical anomaly by

Ed took me to the clinic where Dr. Dick was less than helpful. He gave me shit for leaving the house and said that I have “some kind of flu”, then told me to go home and stay there until I stop being sick.

Good thing I got dolled up for the clinic visit by putting on pants, the jerk.

aporkalypse now

Posted in everyday kimli, medical anomaly by

The entire universe is conspiring against me.

I had an annoying little tickle in my throat all day yesterday. It felt like I swallowed a hair or something, and it was lodged in my wind pipe and poking me every time I spoke. I didn’t think much of it – I swallow hair all the time – and went about my duties for the day.

Then I read about the outbreak of Swine Flu at PAX. I’m a paranoid person by nature, with a severe case of hypochondria and a misplaced sense of melodrama – naturally that tickle in my throat wasn’t something easily explained away by the cats sleeping on my face, I had nerd-borne piggy sniffles! I’ve been SWINE’D!

I thought back over my weekend, remembering each and every sickly face that glanced my way. Strangely, it wasn’t just a horde of anonymous unwashed masses that appeared but people near and dear to my heart: not only had I been exposed to bacon lung at PAX, I spent quality time with sick people!

Ali was just getting over an awful cold. Shan was deep in the throes of a nasty sickness. Josh was manly and stoic, but still showing signs of having caught whatever viral yuck Shan was carrying. I had been literally surrounded by sick people all weekend long: was it any wonder that I was probably mutating the H1N1 virus into the next strain that’ll spell the end of the world?!

I’m sick. My throat is killing me, I have a nasty cough out of nowhere, I’m nauseous, and I ache all over. I know I should go to the doctor to find out if I really do have hamthrax, but I don’t know that I could get myself there. All I want to do is crawl back into bed and moan dramatically (silently; it hurts to talk). This sucks.

And what of my incredibly tight September schedule? I’ll admit that my first concern wasn’t for my health or that I may very well be Patient Zero for the K1ML1 virus that kills millions, but that my being sick would mess up my training schedule that took me weeks to arrange. I don’t have TIME to be elbow deep in the Aporkalypse; I have a schedule to maintain!

.. then the BossBoss told me we were pushing the launch date out by two weeks because one important piece hadn’t been programmed properly.

I’ve made up my mind; I’m keeping my baby schedule – but now I have 10 more days as a buffer. I feel less bad about moving today’s training session (especially as it means I won’t be breathing all over my subjects all day, spreading the other white flu), but I need to get better and get things back on track. I hate being sick. Up yours, swine flu. If I have a fatal case, I am going to be SO PISSED OFF.

and another thing

Posted in medical anomaly by

There are few things more frustrating than searching for women’s health issues online. For every smidgen of decent advice I find, there are tens of thousands of search results from online forums filled with the stupidest people alive. I applaud the fact that people are going online to either find help or share stories, but the amount of misinformation out there is terrifying.

In fact, I’m so upset about the stories these girls are telling each other – virgins can’t get herpes; mystery bumps are always cancer; excessive masturbation is the cause – that I can almost overlook the fact that 98% of the posts look like this:

i have a lump beside my clit n it bout the size of a small glass ball n it goes away on its own somtimes even by the next day but everytime it comes back its bigger n hurts more its been going on 4 years everyone told me its nothing so i never worried but now i am… im scard to go to the doctors bc i dont want to find out its cancer

there is no decoloration, but I am not sure what it is. I had been only sexual active with my boyfriend threw out my whole life, but i had an incedent with my another man close to me, one night when I was drunk. And I am cant remeber if I had this lump before or after I had sexwith him. I know he had been with other partners before me and I was wonder what it might be. I had took std and hiv test a couple months before this and i plan to take another for this purpose. Though I do want to settle my mind a little before my oppoinemnt.

I also find it incredibly disheartening that most of these posts are one of two kinds: I’m too embarrassed to go to my doctor, or I don’t have insurance and can’t afford to go to the doctor. The embarrassment I understand (but wish it were otherwise); the other one makes my stomach hurt. Try being terrified at the weird things growing out of your body and having nowhere to turn, THEN go protest at the proposed US health care changes.

Sorry, tangent.

Anyway. Recurring issues with cysts. I’ve been to the doctor, both regular type and specialist, and they were no help. I don’t like random painful bumps, and the internet – usually all I ever need, in any situation – isn’t helping at all.

Now I’m depressed about my vagina AND our future. Just great.

putting on my ranty pants

Posted in everyday kimli, fuuuuuuuu, medical anomaly by

What is it, exactly, about my lack of desire to force human beings out through my vagina that makes me less worthy of receiving medical care than the next woman?

I am looking for a family doctor. The clinic is finally catching on to my game of “only coming by when I need prescriptions”, and as I clearly look like some sort of drug-abusing psychopath with a lot of free time on my hands, they’re doling out my anti-crazy pills in one-month prescriptions. This is a huge pain in the ass; one that can supposedly be resolved by getting myself a family doctor who can monitor my extensive drug use (and probably keep me from experimenting with my dosage which is apparently frowned upon for some fascist reason).

You may not know this because I am very keen on privacy and anonymity, but I am female. As such, I would prefer a female doctor – not because I think men don’t know anything about vaginas, but because the male doctors I’ve had in the past are less inclined to take my word for it that my girl parts need inspection immediately so please break out the damn speculum already and I will drop trou. They usually send me off to get blood tests and x-rays and ultrasounds and psychological examinations before giving me an internal exam, which just seems like they’re wasting time and avoiding the issue at hand (ie: my vagina). The female doctors I’ve had are less squeamish about slipping on the latex and getting to know my uterus on a first-name basis. I don’t LIKE going to the doctor – trust me, if I’m in there and saying “I think I broke my vagina”, you better believe there’s something wrong down there.

So, I’ve been shopping around for a new physician. I looked online and found a BC site that will give you a list of doctors accepting patients based on your location. Sweet! I picked a name at random, and started calling.

Every single female doctor’s office I called is accepting new patients .. if you’re full of baby, trying to make baby, thinking about having baby, have already had baby, or ARE baby.

Fuck you guys.

Do you get kickbacks from diaper companies for every squalling infant you bring into the world? Are you in some sort of competition? Do you run on energy absorbed from the glow of pregnant women? Are you a maiesiophiliac? Why are breeders any more deserving of quality health care than those who do not want children?

FUCK you guys.

I’m so pissed off about this. I really want to know why preference is given to breeders, to the point where it is impossible for those who have made the choice not to reproduce are having trouble finding a physician. I know I’m not the first person who’s run into this problem, which is just disgusting.

I have an appointment this afternoon to meet a potential new doctor. It’s a male doctor. I’m not thrilled about this, and if I’m still feeling pissy this afternoon, I may just confront the office and find out why the esteemed Dr. Heather wouldn’t see me unless I said I was thinking about signing up for 18 years of servitude. I loathe discrimination in any form, and I’m definitely feeling it here.

Angry Kimli is a force to be reckoned with (in my own head).

represent

represent

bacon fail

Posted in everyday kimli, medical anomaly by

Things that have failed to ease my headache thus far:

  • Diet Coke (caffeine is good)
  • Water (maybe I was dehydrated)
  • Dinner (there are few things that a tube of pork can’t fix; my headache is one of them)
  • New shoes
  • A random delivery of a wicker suitcase full of sauce
  • Ice cream (peanut butter and chocolate ice cream is so good)
  • Incoherent rage at Sony for their little stunt with Patapon 2 – the game doesn’t come with on a disc; the box is empty save for the manual and a download code. You’re supposed to log on to their website to download the game. That’s great, except I have a first gen PSP that came with a 32mb Memory Stick and Patapon 2 requires 610MB of free space – so if I want to play the game, I have to go buy a bigger proprietary memory stick. I could just NOT play the game, except it’s Patapon 2 and will likely be the best PSP game to come out this year and I really want to play it (I’ve had it pre-ordered for months). Screw you, Sony. You suck.
  • Sleep
  • Electric blue liquid eyeliner
  • Bacon
  • Knowing that I am cute today, what with my awesome Andrea-made hair clip and all
  • Advil
  • Entering “about:robots” in the address bar of Firefox 3 (do it, it’s awesome)
  • 1990 Green Day
  • Matt & Kim
  • Knowing that my super awesome CBC bag has finally shipped
  • More Diet Coke
  • More Advil

I’ve had this stupid headache since 2pm yesterday afternoon, and I’m really kind of over it. Not even sitting here in the dark is helping – the dreaded fluorescent lights aren’t on in my corner, my blinds are drawn, and I’m wearing sunglasses. I look like an idiot – albeit a cute one – but I really don’t want this headache to get a) worse or b) turn into a migraine. This is balls. BALLS!


when bacon attacks

Posted in medical anomaly by

Something about waking up to “We’re Not Gonna Take It” makes me really, really grumpy, probably because I don’t have a choice – I HAVE to take it, or I will be fabulous yet homeless.

I am wearing a thoroughly ridiculous shirt today, so much so that even *I* think it might be a little much. I really need to take people with me when I go shopping so I don’t have to trust my own questionable judgment when it comes to fashion. I’m almost past the whole “I can put it on so therefore it must look good, right?” thing and not buying things just because they fit even if they’re hideous, but my definition of hideous is so much looser than most. This is a perfect example:

i dress myself funny

i dress myself funny

It’s also see-through and the sleeves are cinched with black tassels. Basically, it’s my definition of completely awesome – riotous, questionable, covered in paisley, and left on the rack because no sane person would wear it. I love it. I don’t care that I look like a clown.

Okay, I DO care, but only a little.

Ed is very, very sick. This is bad for multiple reasons:

  • Ed is a giant baby when he’s sick
  • I am the world’s worst nurse
  • He probably has 17 swine flus
  • He’s scheduled to fly to Toronto tomorrow morning, to Edmonton Saturday night, drive to Jasper Sunday morning, take the bus back to Edmonton Monday morning, and fly back to Vancouver Monday afternoon
  • SWINE FLU !!!

He’s currently at home, moaning up a storm. I can tell he’s really sick – today is MONTH END, and he *never* misses MONTH END because he works in finance and MONTH END is the most important thing ever. I’ve asked him numerous times to skip MONTH END or at least leave early for different things, but he would never do it – I might be sick or needing to go to the hospital or we’re moving and have 7 hours and no truck to do it in, but MONTH END always came first so screw you and your needs. He’s been a rodeo clown since 2004, and this is the first MONTH END he’s ever missed. Scary.

I hope he feels better soon, but at the same time, I hope he’s sick just long enough to miss his trip. It’s a stupid travel schedule, and if he’s not feeling super it’ll just make him sicker to spend that much time trapped with other people and their germs and noises and smells. I’m all for adventure, but even I would have a hard time finding the joy in that itinerary.

I better not get Swine Flu (aka Piggy Sniffles) from Ed, or I am going to be choked.

snikt!

Posted in medical anomaly, nerd by

I have a vagina made of Wolverine.

I’m just going to pause for a second and admire that sentence – okay, done. That is truly a great sentence, though. I like it almost as much as yesterday’s salsa analogy.

To the point, then. Despite yesterday’s outrageous and blinding pain all down in my lady business, by last night at 11pm it had disappeared. It didn’t just fade away; it was gone. Logically, then, the only conclusion I can come to is that my vagina has healing powers along the lines of those possessed by a Marvel comic book character. Makes perfect sense.

Yesterday afternoon I did eventually panic enough to call the BC Nurse’s Hotline and ask what I should do. The nurse, while very nice, had no idea – her exact words were “huh, that’s odd”. I heartily agreed. We talked for a bit, and she suggested that I take myself to the doctor immediately. It was almost 5pm, so I packed up my desk and scooted my broken garden to the clinic I go to when I break myself (I have a Frequent Shopper card there). The visit itself sucked all the ass in the universe – there are few things more unpleasant than an unexpected internal exam. I peed in a cup, and she inspected my junk. Verdict: a probable UTI coupled with a tear. Solution: Umm ..

See, I’m already on antibiotics to fight my sinus infection and an additional dose just seems like overkill. She said there was really nothing I could do – the tear would heal itself, if I have a UTI the antibiotics I’m already taking should clear that up too, my WSD is still in place and looking lovely, and take some Advil for the pain. I put my pants back on and went home, because there was really nothing else going on. I hurt, everything sucks, my girl parts are stupid.

Stupid, but super powered. I’ve been peeing with caution (and not coughing while doing it), and there is no discomfort. I can’t help but tense up at even the memory of the searing hot pokers of what the fuck, but so far it’s been good. Here’s hoping things are better down there.

If not for this morning’s adventure in porcelain, I’d be downright jolly. I’m mostly just pissed off, though – I am AT MY LIMIT with being sick in mysterious and complicated ways.

To cheer myself up, I bought myself a diamond necklace. Hooray!

What?

oh what the fuck

Posted in medical anomaly by

.. and then I woke up at 1:30 am puking my guts out for no reason.

ENOUGH. This is fucking ridiculous.

I am pissed off and going to show my body who’s the boss, and it isn’t Tony Danza.

Fuck you, me.