Several weeks ago (coincidentally right around the time I started watching All the Porn) I realized it had been quite some time since I last purchased any rage dildos, so I did some advanced-level internetting to find out what all the cool kids are using on their genitals these days. I carefully selected several items, placed an order to test out my new credit card, and eagerly watched my mailbox Scott Pilgrim style. Things took a little longer to arrive than immediately (and because I wisely shipped the box to my home instead of work), but last night I gamed the postal system and successfully brought home a box of shiny new bras AND a box of complicated sex toys to both cover and titillate my inappropriate areas.

not shown: a bunch of random free things they threw in the box including various flavoured oils and a weird rubbery purple vibrator

I grew up reading all the smutty books my parents had hidden around the house, so I’ve been curious about the Hitachi Magic Wand since I was 10. While I never got around to doing anything with that curiosity until recently, there is now a terrifying looking “massager” on my nightstand peering at me with its weird marshmallow eye and getting tangled up in the cords for my 3DS and PSP. I also splurged and bought an njoy Pure Wand because it is shiny and got enthusiastic reviews. The Pure Wand is surprisingly heavy, which I am excited by. I’d always had a thing for glass toys, but they’re dangerous – stainless steel is much less so, and can be cooled down or warmed up for different sensations without fear of Pyrex exploding in your nethers.

I have not tried any of my new toys yet, because I am still angry at my vagina for the stunt it pulled last Saturday. I can’t imagine this lockout will continue much longer, though. I’m certain an agreement shall be reached between the owner and the VPA by the time I get home from work today.

Hold my calls, please.