not safe for work

I am too sick to write and too miserable to care, except I DO care and I feel like an utter ball of failure for a) being sick AGAIN and b) flaking out on my updates.

I’m working from home again today – I’ve propped myself up in my chair with cardboard and bungee cords – but I’m really fucking pissed at myself for being sick. I know that’s irrational and pretty stupid, but I can’t help it – I am very angry at my inability to NOT get a sinus infection every year thanks to my uncontrollable allergies.

I’m also mortified that this new sickness and subsequent days out of the office come mere weeks after my employee review, in which the only thing I got in trouble for was the number of sick days I’ve taken. FUCK! Because, you know, I absolutely want to spend my time at home worrying myself sick(er) that I’m going to lose my job because my sinuses are trying to drain themselves out through my various orifii and the fact that when I move my head, I see colour trails. Yep, this is just super.

At least I now know why it felt like someone had punched me in the face on Sunday – my sinuses were getting this party started. Thanks, guys! I hate you so hard!

I’ve been cranky for the better part of a week now. I’m hoping this stupid infection is the reason for my grievin’ – I am not normally this morose at all times. This past weekend was pretty much a write-off save for spots of good now and then, and it all led up to Spite Dildos on Sunday night.

Now that Ed has a shiny new job (that he starts next Monday; his start date was pushed back a week) he’s been spending his severance pay on Various Things. A good portion of it went to pay down our debt, but we decided he should keep some of it and have himself some Good Times because sometimes it’s just fun to throw caution to the wind and boost the economy a little via your own selfish wants and needs.  The last time I came into a pocket of surprise money like this I definitely went on a consumer bender, so I encouraged his plan (not in the least swayed by the promise of a zippy stage 2 upgrade for Oscar that’ll turn him into a 150cc scooter :D). Ed decided that he would like to get into mountain biking, and as his single-speed cruiser (with a nice basket) is not really suitable for trails, he did a bunch of research into some bikes. The North Shore is world-famous for mountain biking and there are a dozen stores each with their own set of super knowledgeable scenesters, so Ed spent most of Friday on demo rides and browsing catalogs.

Coincidentally, Josh’s bike was stolen from work last week and he too was in the market for a new mountain bike. The two of them made a date for Saturday to go looking at bikes, and after 8 hours of shopping, they made up their minds and purchased two bicycles from a shop off Lonsdale.

None of this really affected me at all, except that I spent the day alone. It was nice out, so I went for a super scoot and did some errands I had been putting off for a while. Ed didn’t come home until almost 8pm, after which he immediately went out for a bike ride. Okay, cool. I spend time by myself all the time; one day won’t kill me. I did manage to make Ed promise we would spend part of Sunday together, though, as I had a specific errand I wanted to run and he wanted to come with me: I am out of dildos, and it was time to go shopping for more.

I could easily do it by myself – in fact, I sort of wanted to – but Ed insisted he wanted to come with me, so I agreed that I would wait to go after brunch on Sunday.

After dim sum, Josh and Ed decided they wanted to go to MEC for more toys to go with their new bikes. Shan had a dance class to go to, and since it was sunny and I was as of yet not incapacitated by my sinusy death, I went for another solo scooter ride. I wasn’t as gracious about it this time, but scooting alone is better than not scooting at all. I went to Deep Cove and accidentally up a mountain and all around the North Shore before I went home, reasoning that if Ed were also back from his boy time we would have plenty of time to hop back on our scooters and go look at dildos. After all, he promised we would go.

I played video games to pass the time, but Ed didn’t come home until almost 5pm – far too late for dildos. I was angry, not only because I was out of dildos and wanted to buy some more, but because he had promised we would spend some quality “couple time” in the sex store and I hate it when promises are broken. Also, I had no dildos. Could he not see that this was a problem?!

Unbeknownst to Ed, I had gotten fed up with his inability to tell the time long before he got home. I did some online shopping – specifically, I placed a hefty order at Good Vibrations. If I could not go to dildos, the dildos would come to ME. Take that, dumb husband! I actually spent a good amount of time researching various sex toys, and made a startling discovery – while I would dearly love to support local businesses and buy all my filthy sin sticks at Womyn’s Ware on Commercial, they charge almost double what other places charge for the exact same toys. I could go to WW and buy one dildo for $145, or I could shop online and get 5 things for the same price – including this USB-charged vibrator that I am very excited about because that is hilarious and awesome at the same time.

I let Ed grovel for a while with apologies before letting him know that I didn’t need his stupid self to come to the store with me, but I *would* let him pay the Visa bill when it came in. I am an awesome wife.

Anyway, my order shipped yesterday. It should be here hopefully this week, at which point I will gleefully charge the USB vibrator and also hit Ed over the head with the enormous dildo I bought out of spite and horniness (because honestly I was really shopping for replacement vibrators since all of mine are old and broken and sad, not dildos). It’s not the Rambone – a girl has to work her way up to that in more ways than one – but it’ll do.

I am woozy with medication and a longing for pretzels.

Um, none of the above links are safe for work. I probably should have mentioned that sooner.

And I wonder why workplace networks continually flag my site as pornographic :(

8 thoughts on “not safe for work

  1. I like Womyn’s Ware, but you’re right: SO EXPENSIVE. I understand they have overhead and semi-decently paid staff, but … I used to live with a sex store. I know EXACTLY how much that hitachi magic wand cost from the wholesaler. DUDE. Markup on sex toys is high, but they make it SUPA-HIGH.

  2. I don’t understand why employers get bent out of shape when employees take sick time (when they’re legitimately too sick to come to work). I’d rather have our staff take a day or two off and feel better, and not infect the rest of us, thanks!

    I was wondering what spite dildos could be, and this story delivered :)

  3. Another alternative to Womyn’s Ware is Come As You Are which is cheaper, with free shipping over $80 (and Canadian!). The USB vibe is only $64. For that price, I might leave one plugged in at the office for a conversation piece.

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  5. Pingback: continuation on a theme « delicious juice dot com: unapologetically inappropriate

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