I have a problem.
My laptop Banjo is a medical mystery. Everything on the internet told me that I would never, ever get XP to run with any measure of stability on the Vista machine, but I refused to listen and did it anyway. We fought an epic battle in which many lives were lost, but in the end, I stood victorious over a steaming pile of Vista entrails. Through the magic of modern science and using drivers of questionable validity, I was able to piece together a working build of XP. The villagers rejoiced, I saved the princess 1, the reptilian space pope 2 gave me his blessings, and I was invited to pose nude for a variety of magazines – such was my triumph. Things were good. Vista was banished to the ninth level of hell, never to be seen again.
Unfortunately, with great jury rigging comes great responsibility problems 3. Primarily, Banjo will not run Quake Live. He *should* be powerful enough – the game will be ten years old this December – but the video drivers are not cooperating. They need to be updated. They *can’t* be updated. I fully believe that Banjo is running not through the awesome power of my own technical abilities but because he has Three Stooges Syndrome 4 – there are so many things wrong with my computer that no one problem can get through to wreak havoc.
I didn’t stop to question *why* Banjo was able to do the impossible. Large stickers covering every piece of paper that came with my laptop stated that he was a Vista machine and no amount of technical voodoo would change that. I shouldn’t be able to run XP, but I can – why? Am I really that good at computer tinkering, or is there something far more sinister at play here?
I want to believe 5. If 9 years of the X-Files has taught me anything, it’s that I have two options: to believe with an unwavering faith and accept this miracle as it is, without hoping for more – or I can take the red pill and see just how deep the rabbit hole goes 6. Also, there are 4 lights 7, I sense a great disturbance in the force 8, bah weep grana weep nini bong 9, and your mom goes to college 10.
As always, I’m not satisfied with only having two choices – risk upgrading my drivers to play Quake Live, or live with the fact that I may never frag again. A newer, thirder option is becoming clear to me now: give up Banjo to the greater good (a media PC for the living room), and build myself a proper gaming rig. It would be truly excellent to have a video card that was made in this century and could handle a ten-year old engine without stuttering. My laptop is great as a surfing machine, but when it comes to sheer carnage, it doesn’t hold up. We’ve been talking about setting up a media PC for some time now, and Banjo would fill that role admirably. I could do this. We have the technology 11. It will be glorious 12.
Anyone want to come PC shopping with me next month?
You can tell I’m feeling better – I managed to stuff 12 pop culture references into this one update. I think that may be a new record!