Much like how my mother felt about me while I was growing up, I am angry at my wallet for being so big. It is packed with stupid 98%-of-the-time-unnecessary loyalty cards that infuriate me every time I look at them, because this is 2013 and there is NO. FUCKING. REASON. I should have to carry around your stupid little piece of plastic in order to collect points/get the sale price/freely give you access to my purchasing habits so you can better market things my way. I actually carry two wallets: one with useful things like my ID, bank card, and cash; the second (which is a cheque-sized wallet, unlike the tiny coin purse thingie with the important stuff) contains nothing but 13 American dollars and a stack of loyalty cards for places that prefer to exist in 1963, when handbags were voluminous and made of fine Corinthian leather (the Corinthi being the beast best associated with personal accessories the size of a small planet).

The stupidest thing of all is that every single one of these stores have an app and web presence that make them look as though they’re a “hip”, “with it” company that uses the “internet” to connect with “consumers”. Most even have online shopping and an active social media presence – in fact, it’s only when you get offline and into meatspace that everything goes to shit and I do not understand. Why, exactly, can I not keep all my loyalty cards in my phone* like they do in the rest of the first world? “Oh, our scanners can’t read phone screens” “We need to see the card to make sure you’re who you say you are” “Speak into my ear trumpet sonny, I can’t hear so good after fighting at the Alamo” and so on and so forth. GET WITH THE FUCKING PROGRAM, PEOPLE. It’s costing you sales, as people will avoid your stores if they’ve forgotten to haul their wheelbarrow of cards around. I won’t go to Save-On-Foods or Shoppers Drug Mart if I don’t have my cards, and I can’t go to Costco without it. I don’t collect Airmiles anymore, because I don’t have the card on me when I need it. Fabricland? No card means no 50% discount on my purchase, so I have to carry it. Hell, I’m even fed up with stamp cards: I have six or seven half-full Pinkberry cards that I would love to redeem, but since I don’t want to carry the fucking universe on my shoulder, they just pile up and make me mad. It’s insane and wasteful and just plain stupid. Passbook, motherfucker. Do you know of it?

Figure this shit out, already. Join us in the brave new future. STOP SUCKING.

*I know there are third party apps available to keep your cards in, but the problem lies in the stores – they are not equipped to take anything other than a physical card their archaic technology can read.