technology | delicious juice dot com

For marital reasons*, Ed has moved into the spare bedroom downstairs (so uh Steph and Alistair that honeymoon might have to wait a bit). We never got around to setting up any of the electronics down there (we’ve only been moved in for 29 months, give us some time), but now that the room is seeing regular action, we thought it might be a good time to outfit the room in the best technology 5 years ago had to offer.

Unfortunately, we were unable to locate the only truly essential power cord: the one needed for the TV. I checked the four separate dedicated mystery cable boxes and found everything needed for the Xbox 360, the Xbox 180, the Wii, the old broken PS2, the functional PS2, not one but two PS3s (?? where did the second one come from), and a half dozen different cheap Chinese security cameras from when we were concerned enough about safety to outfit our house in surveillance but not yet wise enough to maybe avoid the third-party bad-English no-name equipment with full access to our home network, but nothing for the TV itself. I have adapters in every imaginable format, USB extension cables so thick they could be used on the ocean floor, dongles upon dongles, a complete Pipo X9 I had forgotten about, and fourteen or so Nintendo DS systems, but no TV power cord.

As usual, as soon as something shiny caught my eye I forgot what I was doing and started doing something else. I dug out a cable for the DSi and plugged it in, happy to see that it immediately started charging. It’s tiny and so old that I can’t connect it to the internet (which, to be fair, was a problem when this thing was brand new – Nintendo didn’t immediately embrace wireless internet with open arms, and actually sold a specialty device that you needed to get online if you had any kind of internet security set up whatsoever), but it still works and will very likely play the many, many DS games sitting in Ed’s new room. I’m pretty excited about the find, and now I want to dig out my other DS systems and set them up to race. I really loved the format of the DS, and while the Switch is much more powerful, it doesn’t have that same “toss into bag and go” feel that the DS/DS Lite/DSi/DSi XL/3DS/3DS XL/New 3DS had. I would happily buy my 21st DS system if Nintendo released a new, updated version that had like .. horns, or a special smell. I’m not picky. I love buying the same device multiple times, because it’s the same as the old version but with NEW THINGS and that is very exciting.

Where was I? Oh right, cables or some shit. Anyway, I found the missing cables needed, along with the old Apple TV and a pile of remote controls. We should be able to get things set up downstairs, at which point I will kick Ed out of the room and entertain myself with old PS2 games until the world stops ending. When I’m done with those, I have my DS games to fall back on, and then some original Xbox titles. Who needs the outside world? Not me, I have old consoles with power cables. Life is great!

*: “marital reasons” = keeping a 24/7 eye on Hobbz so I don’t murder the entire household the next time I step into an ice cold puddle of cat pee with both bare feet

Between my collection of outdated MP3 players and handheld consoles, I’m going to be a fucking kingpin when the apocalypse gets to the Max Mad stage.

Much like how my mother felt about me while I was growing up, I am angry at my wallet for being so big. It is packed with stupid 98%-of-the-time-unnecessary loyalty cards that infuriate me every time I look at them, because this is 2013 and there is NO. FUCKING. REASON. I should have to carry around your stupid little piece of plastic in order to collect points/get the sale price/freely give you access to my purchasing habits so you can better market things my way. I actually carry two wallets: one with useful things like my ID, bank card, and cash; the second (which is a cheque-sized wallet, unlike the tiny coin purse thingie with the important stuff) contains nothing but 13 American dollars and a stack of loyalty cards for places that prefer to exist in 1963, when handbags were voluminous and made of fine Corinthian leather (the Corinthi being the beast best associated with personal accessories the size of a small planet).

The stupidest thing of all is that every single one of these stores have an app and web presence that make them look as though they’re a “hip”, “with it” company that uses the “internet” to connect with “consumers”. Most even have online shopping and an active social media presence – in fact, it’s only when you get offline and into meatspace that everything goes to shit and I do not understand. Why, exactly, can I not keep all my loyalty cards in my phone* like they do in the rest of the first world? “Oh, our scanners can’t read phone screens” “We need to see the card to make sure you’re who you say you are” “Speak into my ear trumpet sonny, I can’t hear so good after fighting at the Alamo” and so on and so forth. GET WITH THE FUCKING PROGRAM, PEOPLE. It’s costing you sales, as people will avoid your stores if they’ve forgotten to haul their wheelbarrow of cards around. I won’t go to Save-On-Foods or Shoppers Drug Mart if I don’t have my cards, and I can’t go to Costco without it. I don’t collect Airmiles anymore, because I don’t have the card on me when I need it. Fabricland? No card means no 50% discount on my purchase, so I have to carry it. Hell, I’m even fed up with stamp cards: I have six or seven half-full Pinkberry cards that I would love to redeem, but since I don’t want to carry the fucking universe on my shoulder, they just pile up and make me mad. It’s insane and wasteful and just plain stupid. Passbook, motherfucker. Do you know of it?

Figure this shit out, already. Join us in the brave new future. STOP SUCKING.

*I know there are third party apps available to keep your cards in, but the problem lies in the stores – they are not equipped to take anything other than a physical card their archaic technology can read.