Someone stole my soul on the bus this morning.
I was sitting at the end of a sideways row of seats, talking about salami online. No one was sitting next to me, and only one woman sat across the aisle, two seats down. Suddenly and without a word, she pulls out an iPad, aims it at me, and takes my picture: I know this, because she briefly turned it around so I could see myself on her screen. Then she giggled, sang “Got you!” out loud, and put her iPad away.
WHAT THE FUCK?
Did she steal my soul?
Later, when the bus was more full and she had seat mates, she pulled out the iPad again and showed the lady next to her something. I may be paranoid on account of having no soul, but they both kept looking up at me then back to the iPad as if to compare my soulless reality to the likeness now trapped on her screen.
Seriously, I’m kind of freaking out. This is weird, right? Many strange things happen to me that I consider routine, but this is totally not normal, is it? Am I an item in a scavenger hunt? A Pokemon? Is she playing Dark Cloud? WHAT IS GOING ON?!
Joke’s on her, though: I took her picture right back. SO THERE.
I am one of the politest motherfuckers you will ever meet: I’m the stereotypical Canadian who will go out of her way to say “please” and “thank you”, will bend over backwards to be accommodating, and is absolutely mortified at the thought of being rude. So you can bet your fucking ass that I said “excuse me” while trying to squeeze past someone on the bus this morning to make room for an elderly lady to exit the packed row, because it’s ingrained in every fibre of my being. To not have said “excuse me” in that moment would be like forgetting to breathe. I don’t need to think about it, because I just do it. I say “excuse me” so often and for things that no one can hear or see that many times I’ve had to explain why I just said “excuse me” over nothing at all.
So when someone who is easily twice my height and width decides I DIDN’T say “excuse me” while trying to get past his massive frame and BODY CHECKS ME so hard I almost fall over, I tend to get a little upset.
As in “yelling argument on the bus” upset.
As in audibly calling someone a “deaf fucking asshole” upset.
At first I was (rightfully) bothered that someone had assaulted me, but now I’m equally if not more upset that someone thought I was rude.
FUCK YOU BUDDY, I AM NOT FUCKING RUDE
So, now I’m upset all over the place and I don’t much care for it. Turns out I dislike being body checked! Who knew?