I spent a great deal less time in the hospital in 2008 than I did in 2007.

That’s not really an epic feat or anything; I just didn’t break anything this year.

What did 2008 bring, if not dire injuries and an assortment of new scars?

January: Unemployed, dizzy and full of rage. Went back on brain meds after two unsuccessful months off them; world applauded my decision because I had been a complete psycho bitch. Got an XO, got a slow cooker, got a job. Hooray!

February: Started new job. Was almost assassinated on the Sea Turtle in a case of mistaken identity. Did not play the trumpet while dressed as a pirate; attended Northern Voice despite my pathological fear of people. Got an EEE PC, got a Wacom Tablet, got a tiny stuffed Che and reenacted the Motorcycle Diaries on our street. Was also pulled over on the worst corner in CANADA because our car had tinted windows; shock and outrage followed.

March: Played video games in bed with an umbrella over my head. Cleaned out the fridge for the first time since we moved in; horrors spilled out onto my shoes. Went deep undercover (pun intended) as a Frumpy Angel to visit a Potato Farm in the middle of Idaho. Watched our downstairs neighbor give a blow job in a car in the middle of the afternoon; am stilling referring to her as “Blow Job” (and her roommate, “Blow Job’s Sister”). Attended the Vancouver Pillow Fight. Got thrown out of the Worst Bar in Town. Swabbed myself in the hopes that my DNA will be used to create short, busty Super Soldiers. PC died; started using Mac full time.

April: Caught a really horrible stomach flu that had me dead for several days. Bought some drugs in the most discreet way possible. Successfully passed my three-month probation at the Lab.

May: Saw Queens of the Stone Age. Bought some accidental fish flakes. Had a horrible flashback after visiting Miranda in the hospital after her trip to Cuba was cut short. Drove to Edmonton to eat many donairs and attend a family wedding; got trapped in Golden overnight due to mudslides. Broke my poor SqueePC and had to send him in for repairs. Almost destroyed Ed’s family via Twitter. Successfully vanquished the princess of Castle Suck.

June: Decided I did not have enough toys; made decision to buy laptop. Bought laptop the next day. Quit my day job to become a rapper. Got birthday shoes with a healthy dose of insanity. Drove away most of my friends due to the above mentioned insanity. Naked man in Chinatown!

July: Friends came back. Scooted to Victoria for the first time; had a blast. Confessed to being a graduate of Charm School. Caved; bought iPhone. Tried to deal with my broken feet; failed miserably. The original Delicious Juice Dot Com was hacked and the entire site (including the blog, on a different server) was declared a hostile website and people couldn’t come visit me. Was sad. Got in trouble at work; desk was moved to a corner away from people. Xbox 360 died. Was sad. Broke the news to Ed that I was getting a kitten, with disastrous results.

August: Ed’s parents visited BC for the first time ever. Received highly disturbing toys in the mail. Some guy got bear sprayed and brought the fight to our apartment building. Tried to talk to a doctor about getting my tubes tied. Was cock blocked. Fed some chickens.

September: Went to a Renaissance Fair. Adopted Cream Lemon, the Incestuous Bad Idea Kitten. Had a Weapon of Sperm Destruction inserted into my uterus. Spent our 6th anniversary alone. Posted terrible pictures from my early days. Went to some ice hockeys. Thought about getting my mother a computer.

October: BAM! Fellatio! Ali came to visit. Met Chris for the first time even though we’ve known each other for years. Was a spectacular dancing zombie. Ran for vice president by virtue of my iPod. Photo walked with the gang for Toy Camera Day. Got over my irrational fear of Squash Blizzards. Graduated to a DSLR. Went to the symphony.

November: Survived Ed’s insurance course. Learned my cyst is not what I thought it was and is in fact a true mystery. Went to Richmond a lot. Did a photo project. Attended a fondue party. Was seriously grumpy at routers.

December: Saw Amanda Palmer twice. Went to Seattle and hung out with Ali for crazy fun times. Came out of the abortion closet. Defeated Vista and successfully installed XP on my laptop. Came in third for Best Personal Blog in the Best of 604 Awards. Participated in Cans for Comments; raised $100 and 100 cans for the Vancouver Food Bank. Got a baby-eating alligator for Christmas! Good times.

In retrospect, it was a busy year but it certainly didn’t feel like it. I hope 2009 is just as injury-free, and perhaps a little more drama-free, than ’08 was. Overall, I give the year 1.69 thumbs up. You were a good one, 2008. Let’s see what 2009 will bring!