swing life away

Most people would have the decency to be ashamed.

It’s much more fun to not be “most people”.

We had a party at Miranda and Reilly’s on Valentine’s Day. It was a riotous affair – everyone brought delicious food, the alcohol was flowing, and we were in high spirits. We were all feeling pretty silly, and the addition of new people to our growing circle of friends did little to curb our enthusiasm for ourselves. We were all generally thrilled with our lives and delighted to be the awesome yuppie hipsters we are, and the evening was loud and boisterous and naughty.

Did I mention naughty? We were in especially fine form that night. There was cleavage everywhere you looked, and a large portion of the evening featured several readings for group enjoyment. The Super Mario Brothers Craigslist ad was read aloud, which led to a reciting of this post and a long discussion about the Potato Farm. Pictures were shared, stories were told, and a great time was had by all.

Well, almost all.

At some point in the evening, another couple joined our party. These people were new to us – they were friends of the friends that our friends had brought along, so they were pretty far removed from our group dynamic. We are a welcoming people, so we joyfully included the newcomers in our conversations. The gentleman had brought a case of Dude Beer, which quickly enamored him to the beer drinkers, and the girl was petite and displaying cleavage that rivaled mine. Clearly, these were kindred spirits.

Or were they?

Dude Guy and Small Girl stayed for a bit, then made their exit – it was Valentine’s Day and they had “plans”, so we bid them a fond farewell and continued the festivities. We sensed that Small Girl was a little uncomfortable, but we chalked it up to the conversations we had in their presence:

  • The Potato Farm story, with pictures
  • Tom of Finland
  • The Rules

.. to name a few.

We assumed she was much more delicate than her cleavage let on, and changed her name to Offended Girl – we had offended her with our naughty talk, and she had to take her leave of us. We probably should have tried to apologize, but we were just amused – we had offended someone so badly she had to leave the room! Hilarious!

Oh, if only.

After Valentine’s Day, we adopted the couple that Chris and Monica brought over as our shiny new friends and have been hanging out with them on a semi-regular basis. Dude Guy and Offended Girl had long since faded away to an amusing anecdote, but they resurfaced on Saturday night – after helping Darren move that day, the group reconvened at our usual bar in Gastown. Our new friends had in turn invited several of THEIR friends, and amongst them were Dude Guy and Offended Girl – who had not known the outing had originated from Miranda and Reilly. They arrived, said their hellos down the length of the table, then FROZE – it’s US! Oh, their delicate sensibilities!

It was just assumed that Offended Girl was still feeling some residual offense from Valentine’s Day, but the truth quickly and hilariously came out: she wasn’t afraid of us because we were raunchy; she was afraid of us because she thought we were all SWINGERS.

Miranda immediately texted those of us that were not in attendance that evening – she thought we were swingers who regularly swapped partners with each other and everyone else within our grasp! We quickly went over the events of the Valentine’s Party, and the pieces fell into place:

  • Stories about the Potato Farm
  • Planning a group visit to the Potato Farm
  • .. and trying to convince the rest of the group to come with us
  • Tanya repeatedly telling the group that SHE wasn’t into that sort of thing (implying that the rest of us are)
  • .. my coming up with, reciting, and blogging about The Rules
  • Animated discussions about The Rules
  • The extreme level of comfort we have with each other
  • The extreme level of filth I routinely bring to the most innocent of conversations
  • Talking about how much we missed Darren and what state his penis would be in if it were here
  • Twittering the juicier parts of the evening with the hash tag #hipsterVD

Shit, she totally thought we were swingers.

Most people would have the decency to be ashamed.

But this is fucking *hilarious*.

Who wants to have a key party?!

15 thoughts on “swing life away

  1. LMAO

    I was waiting all morning for your post. Even things that are thoroughly hillarious are MORE hillarious when you write about them

    We remembered another last night – along with the rules, the guys kept spouting “They never touch! They never touch!” – which, if you’re up on the youtubes, you’d know is a reference.

    However! If you *don’t* know that, here’s how that statement alone in a very simplistic thought process could go:

    – Guy + girl action = everything touches, so doesn’t apply
    – Guy + guy action = everything touches, so doesn’t apply
    – Guy + girl + guy action = guys touch girls, guys do not touch guys = applies


    And of course, given all that information – even if we were all swingers, was she expecting that we were going to rip off our clothes and jump eachother and/or her? That just wouldn’t be polite, well, at least without asking first


  2. I KNEW I forgot something! Yes – “They never touch” is practically Rule #4 :D I’d say “poor girl”, but if she didn’t have the balls to ask us – it’s pretty clear we wouldn’t have been offended at the question – and then turn around and tell her friends that we’re all swingers without any confirmation .. well, she can suck it. Except she wouldn’t, because we wouldn’t offer it to her.

    SO not my type.

    Ed was right: She should BE so lucky!

  3. NICE!

    Can you plan the next swingin’ party for late May / early June. I think I will be in town and could use a key party or two.

  4. HAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!!! That’s freakin hysterical! When Miranda txt’d me that night, I immediately thought of #HipsterVD tag night ;) Too funny. I was shocked that we didn’t become a trending topic on that tag, actually.

    [place eye roll here] That girl was so wound up that I was kinda glad to see her leave.

  5. just an outsider’s comment, but it’s also likely that she sensed the obvious cliqueness (even if one is welcoming to new-comers, the sense of comfort level hasn’t been established yet), and felt she was intruding. Bit unkind to run her down.

  6. “Bit unkind to run her down.”

    That’s pretty funny because I’m pretty sure it’s a bit unkind to tell people we don’t even know that we’re all swingers, which is what happened. Good thing I’m not running for public office, because I would get really choked.

    Regardless, all the other new people who we’d never met who came out that night had a grand time, including her boyfriend, so I’m not losing any sleep over it.

  7. meh, we’re all very nice and welcoming people. If you show up to a party in a shell, and don’t drink at all, you’re not going to have fun.

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