birthday blues

My birthday is in one week, and I’m knee-deep in the birthday blues.

I don’t really like getting older. I do a pretty good job of masking my age to most people, but I’m especially good at lying to myself – not really out of vanity (okay, maybe a little out of vanity) but because when I take a good look at my surroundings – and at myself – I feel an unwanted twinge of embarrassment. How can I justify all these toys and video games and looking this ridiculous at my age? Shouldn’t I be .. more mature? More refined? More not wearing polka dots, docs and sequined leg warmers all at the same time?

Don’t get me wrong – most of the time, I think I am hilarious and awesome. I *like* who I am (on the inside) and I rarely if ever think there’s anything wrong with video games and sequins. It’s only because my birthday – a fairly significant one, at that – is looming that I feel any sort of wistful longing to be 23 again.

It doesn’t help that this past weekend I found myself wrought with jealousy and coveting – not because someone had a cooler scooter or fancier toys or greener eye shadow, but over some truly disturbing things: a dishwasher. In-suite laundry. Pre-approved mortgages. Prime plus two percent. A good night’s sleep.

I have never, EVER wanted any of these things – but there I was, all green in the eye and face and wishing that I could have them. I swear, I have never felt as old as the instant I realized I was looking enviously at a washing machine and heaving a longing sigh. Who was this reasonable mature beast, and what had she done with the real Kimli? If I’m already jealous of my newly home-owning friends, can a sensible diet high in fibre be far behind?

I know you’re only as old as you feel and for 11 months of the year I feel 12 years old, but right now I’m downright depressed at the thought of my upcoming birthday.

Is that a wrinkle I see?

9 thoughts on “birthday blues

  1. i get like this EVERY birthday for the past few years. but i promise that the second midnight rolls around and your day is over, you’ll feel oodles better.

    birthdays are a mind-f*ck thing. when i hit 30 years ago, instead of letting my friends fete me, i hopped on a plane and got the ‘eff out of dodge. i have a feeling i’ll be doing the same now that i’m staring down at the barrel of 40. course, i have a feeling i’ll start liking birthdays again when i hit 50, especially if i stay as well preserved and youthful as i look and feel now.

    don’t worry, there’s time for the dish-washer and washing machine.

  2. I’m at the 10 day mark until 30. I better hurry up and buy a house and get a wife and all that. I’ll be old soon.

  3. 35 is a couple of months away, and i honestly feel less mature now than i did 10 years ago … but i think i am okay with that. sometimes i think that i should have more to show for my years … a husband, a house, an rrsp … but i also like the fact that i can walk into a toy store and buy a smurfette for myself, and display her proudly. :)

  4. Okay, seriously…WHY does everyone think that marriage, mortgage, responsibility, etc. mean that you can no longer have FUN?!?!?

    I’m certainly more fun now, at “29 and holding”, than I EVER have been before. However, I *am* a Capricorn…we’re old when we’re young, and young when we’re old. And that’s certainly holding true for me! :-D

  5. I never thought I’d live to see 30. I was really surprised when I actually made it. I figure every day since then was a free bonus day. Now I’m 60. Life gave me a twofer! I should worry about a few wrinkles? Shucks ma’am, them’re just laugh lines. I never take anybodies word that they’re as old as they feel. I insist on feeling them myself.

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