no crisco

Yesterday was one of those rare gems of a day where every moment seemed to top the one that came just before it, ending in a veritable orgy of hilarity that left puddles of helpless laughter pee all over Kim’s floor – sorry about that.

I knew I was in for some excellence when I arrived at UBC for the second day of Northern Voice – I had barely made my way into the atrium when Jen handed me a bag full of porn for my Smuttons. Hooray! This was some seriously quality (by which I mean depraved) stuff, too – did you know that Hustler sold a Canadian version of their magazine? Neither did I! While I had been previously shocked at the quality of porn donated to my cause by Nelson, I was *floored* at what Jen gave me. I grew up reading Penthouse and Playboy, something I’m actually grateful for – I absorbed the words and learned all about sex, but the pictures left everything to my imagination. If I had easy access to this kind of magazine during my formative year (age 8), I’m pretty sure I’d be a celibate virgin living with 50 cats before I’d ever let one – or three – of those pork swords anywhere near my hot beef pit.

I often thought of myself as so worldly and awesome because I found out about sex through my dad’s porn stash at a very early age, but now I am nothing more than relieved and thankful that dad wasn’t into looking at people doing it in every hole; just appreciative of nude women. I’m quickly becoming a porn connoisseur (pornoisseur?); learning to rate the magazine based on the images seen before the table of contents. A naked woman photographed with soft light and a Vaseline-covered lens? Clearly this is a classy magazine produced by someone who loves the female form. Partially clothed woman just about to use her tongue to produce untold delights but never actually making content with anything? This is medium-grade porn; dirty enough so you don’t need to think about what’s being implied but you don’t actually get to see any real action. Naked woman using one hand to goatse her vagina while getting double stuffed from the other end by a football player and a referee both of whom are wearing helmets for some reason? Now you’re into Hustler or Swank territory, and it’s really very gross in here – I wouldn’t recommend removing your shoes.

In retrospect, my first batch of Smuttons were so tame.

Still giggling over Jen’s porn, I danced my way further into the atrium to search out additional friends. There, Kim motioned at me excitedly – she had a present for me! I told her what Jen had just given me, and asked if she thought she’d be able to top the bag full porn. She didn’t say a word, and just handed me this:

bear hug!

having sex? get tested!

i may need to update The Rules

.. the only words that come to mind are “fucking awesome” and “where can I get more of these” (answer: locally; HiM is a Vancouver organization). This is fantastic, and an awesome idea with wonderful, clever marketing. Happy, fun, SAFE sex? Sign me up! Someone gave this to Kim, who immediately thought that I would love it and she was right. I love my friends, and I love that I’m the first thing they think of when they see stuff like this, gay man or not.

All this happened within the first 15 minutes of my arriving at Northern Voice, and I honestly didn’t think the day could get any better – how wrong I was. At lunch, Miranda took pictures of the Smuttons I had done up to give out during the afternoon’s sex panel. She had been telling me for a while that I really needed to get a Smutton page up on my website, because I was directing all these people to Delicious Juice Dot Com but wasn’t offering up any information about them. I told her I would work on a page on Sunday, but this wasn’t fast enough for her – so using a picture she had just taken and with the miracle of wi-fi, she did up a page for me mere seconds before Darren Barefoot brought up my website on the two enormous screens in front of a room full of people – and there was a page all about Smuttons! Miranda attacked with HTML and love, and she is awesome!

This wasn’t the end of yesterday’s fun by a long shot, but I’m several pages down and utterly spent – you’ll have to wait for the video aftermath of last night’s party. It isn’t to be missed – trust me.

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