I never received “The Talk” from my parents. I mean, I did, but I was 22 at the time and had been Doing It for 6 years at that point, and had gotten pretty good at it. You don’t learn about sex from a Penthouse magazine without learning a thing or two, especially as a curious and precocious 8 year old who was often grounded and banished to the basement where all the smut was hidden.

Maybe it’s just me, but it seems that sex has gotten more complicated over the years. It used to be so simple – come home from school, take off clothes, wait for boyfriend to come over. Now there’s rules and taboos and diseases and toys and other people, and it’s so hard to remember all the nuances. There ought to be .. a guide, or something. A walkthrough, or a flow chart (flow charts fix everything). Or a manual! Yeah, that’s it – a manual, maybe written by a technical writer? One with a dirty mind and too much time on her hands? One who just had an emergency tooth extraction and is currently wasted on T3s?

How to Do Sex

First comes the foreplay:

step one: cunnilingus

the way to a man's heart is through fellatio

gently bathe the penis with firm laps of the tongue

you can use your tongue anywhere - just make sure you're protecting yourself and your partner!

Now that foreplay is taken care of, it’s time for the main act:

plz insert penis into vagina

You can mix it up a little:

remember kids: always ask before inserting tab A into slot A!

Anything goes, as long as you follow the rules:

NEVER GO ASS TO MOUTH

Even in the heat of the moment, some things just aren’t done:

????????

Naturally, this list is not complete: I only bought one of each body part, and I forgot to buy boobs. Next time, I’ll get more of each so I can write a manual for gay and group sex. There’s nothing you can’t do with a saucy puppet show!

(all puppets were made by Shannon Gerard!)