So, I’ve had my iPhone 4 for a week now (thanks again Reilly!), which is ample time for me to learn the ins and outs of the device. It’s gorgeous, of course – I kind of don’t want to put a screen protector on it because everything looks so crispy, and I am notoriously anal about my screens – but there are a thousand blogs out there that have both been there and done that, and I don’t aim to be another. So what’s left for me to write about? Well, there isn’t a single website out there that will cover the things that are important to ME – so I know what I’ve got to do:

A Delicious Juice Dot iPhone 4 Review!

side by side

The iPhone 4 looks much bigger than the 3G/3GS, but the opposite is true: the 4 is actually smaller. Not by much, but there’s a definite size difference there – the space lost by curving the sides in the previous model is significant, so the nice flat 4 clocks in ever so slightly smaller by width (like, half a millimetre) and a even more by height:

it's like godzilla next to an aligator!

That’s not really all that important, though. The difference isn’t enough to really be felt or even seen unless you do a side by side macro shot. No, I’ve got other things on my mind: WHERE DO MY DANGLIES GO?!?

Every time a new iPhone comes out, I pray at the Altar of Jobs for a hole – a small tiny little hole, that’s all – so I can loop a small, silly toy onto my phone. That’s all I want. Sure, the other things are nice – a fancy camera, a second camera, a screen that looks like pure sex, more power, more memory – but dude, all I want is a hole for a danglie thing. I have a couple that I really like, and I want to carry them around with me:

just one or two, i swear

BUT I CAN’T! Once again, my heart has been cut out by Papa Jobs and there is no place to attach anything extraneous to the phone. It would have been SO EASY – the corners of the 4 are practically screaming for decoration – but no. Nothing. I am a sad monkey with one or two danglie things I can’t use. Nobody ever lets me have any fun.

So, what about carrying the iPhone? Will it fit in my favourite carrying case without issue? The iPhone 3GS fit in there really well:

snug as a bug in a rug if by "bug" you mean "fancy phone" and "rug" you mean "bra"

I couldn’t have asked for a better fit – the 3GS fit in my bra ever so nicely. It was smooth and contoured and made me feel funny in my pants when I got a text message. I know it isn’t considered “classy” by “high society” to “carry” your “phone” in your “bra”, but sometimes you just have to thumb your nose at everyone in the name of comfort and no pants.

So, how does the iPhone 4 fit?

so pointy

Sadly, not as well. The flatness of the phone, while awesome (if antenna-problem-causing in the US), makes for an uncomfortable bulge in my bra. It’s not nearly as comfortable, so I find myself having to do the unthinkable – wear pants so I have a pocket ready at all times. I know, I know – it’s shocking and a real tragedy – but these are sacrifices you have to make when you carry the future around with you at all times.

Enough of the technical details: how do the phones look with a Domo on them?

fuzzy domo attack

Pretty darn good; thanks for asking.

I like the iPhone 4 – I think I’ll keep it, crushing disappointment and all.

My melons are already pretty soft and luxurious, but that doesn’t stop me from really wanting to try this:

i want lovely jubblies plz

I know it’s all marketing, and any kind of moisturizer would do if I was really intent on greasing my chest up, and it’s expensive, and likely wouldn’t go very far when you consider the sheer amount of surface area my boobs take up – but still. Maybe it would make me pretty, and at the very least, my boobs would smell like flowers so really it’s win-win all around. I think I should get some, just to be safe. Would you really begrudge me an excellent décolletage just because it’s vain and desperately silly? Why must you be so mean?

I had a grand and glorious update planned for today, but I had neither the props nor privacy needed to pull it off so you’ll have to wait until tonight or maybe tomorrow, depending on how long it takes me to massage soothing lotions into my bosom.

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow afternoon and even though my last visit was a total breeze, I still don’t want to go.

a flaming k for a flaming kimli

Flaming!

I can’t be the only person out there with zero interest in Eat, Pray, Love – can I? I’ve never read it, but I know the general idea and I find it kind of repulsive: a rich white woman fucks off for a year to “find herself” and goes on all sorts of endearing adventures while eating, praying and loving. Sure, the general theme of the book is “open up and find love” – but why does that have to come with an astronomical price tag that 99% of the population can’t afford?

I can write inspirational bullshit too, and maybe even sell it to a publisher. Thing is, no one is going to give me a huge pile of cash so I can run away from life for a year to find myself, which is what happened with the author of this book: her eating, praying and loving was all funded in advance by her publisher. I’m sure that if I could drop everything and flit around the world on someone else’s dime I’d have some deep meaningful exchanges too – but it’s not realistic and kind of insulting to the regular folk. I have nothing in common with this woman except a uterus, and I’m supposed to take heart in her adventures and come out the other side a complete person? Um, no. Send ME on the adventure; maybe I’ll come out a better person too. Let ME live in Bali, and India, and Italy for a year. What would I be like on the other side? And more importantly, who would play me in the movie version of my book entitled “Drink, Fuck, Fight: One Woman’s Search for Adventure and Gay Porn Across the Planet“?

I admit that I don’t do chick lit, and I don’t understand a lot of things that are popular – I just can’t see why people are so caught up in rich white woman find-yourself porn. Don’t you think that ANYONE would be different if someone handed them a huge wad a cash and said “you’ve got no responsibilities for the next year other than to FIND YOURSELF – see you later”? Some people might even be able to eloquently tell the story afterward, too.

Maybe I’m unique (but I doubt it) in that I’d rather try to fix my own life than read fanciful ways in which someone I can’t relate to fixed theirs. After all, I can’t go to Italy to experience the joys of pasta – I’ll have to do my soul searching at The Old Spaghetti Factory instead. It comes spumoni ice cream!

Seriously, though: “Drink Fuck Fight” would be a best-seller. If there are any publishers out there wanting to give me an enormous advance to fund my trip to South Korea (the competitive video game hub of the world), Tokyo (Japan is awesome), Finland (Tom is from there) and London (I’ve never been to Europe) in exchange for my writing about it (as if I wouldn’t be blogging by the minute anyway), please email me via this website and start thinking about casting the film.

totally a best seller (click to embiggen)

There is NOTHING WORSE than spying on someone masturbating in the privacy of his own (filthy) home, only for him to a) not finish b) not do it right c) not be any good at it.

Last night we went to Yunn and Barry’s awesome Yaletown place to hang out and be disrespectful towards others. We all got very excited when we thought porn was being filmed in a penthouse suite across the street, but after several agonizing hours with no sweaty threeway action, we determined it was just a saucy photoshoot. We kept a watchful eye on all of Yaletown for most of the evening, until someone was finally seen doing something naughty – there was penile manipulation going on across the way! Sort of. For starters, it wasn’t very interesting – the guy seemed bored by his own hand. We took turns providing commentary on his activities until he gave up and left – without pants on – for over an hour. I was quite worried about him, and thought about sending out a search team but he finally he came back and tugged at his meat a few more times before giving up again. All in all, it was a sad attempt at masturbation – he wasn’t into it at ALL. We were far more excited than he was, and it was a depressing end to our night – we wanted fireworks! Happy endings! A crusty sock; a wadded up tissue! ANYTHING! Alas, it was not to be.

I am hoping my Sunday will have far more penis in it, but so far nothing is going my way. I think the bubble bash is a wash due to the rain, but I was waffling on my resolve anyway. Still, I have hopes that something entertaining – flesh-based or otherwise – will make itself known to me: a rainy Sunday is no reason for nothing!

It’s not like I woke up early one morning at the start of summer and thought to myself “self, it would be totally awesome if you completely ignored your blog for, like, DAYS AT A TIME” or anything – it just feels that way. Most likely only to me, but still. I am a neglectful monster. The internet should have me taken away.

So, what’s been going on around here? A whole lot of everything and nothing, all at once. Work is indeed better, both by design and by the amazing mental power of my own ostrich-like confidence that everything will turn out the way I want it to. I’ve been scooting a lot as usual, but the heat makes the ride less refreshing and more like riding through pudding. I haven’t managed to go to the beach beyond that first trip several weeks ago, but I’ve been keeping myself busy with friends and various things that go boop and beep.

What are you doing this Sunday? If you are free, I implore you to consider coming down to the Art Gallery at 3pm. Someone on Yelp is attempting to arrange a Bubble Bash, and we all know how I feel about bubbles (hint: I fucking love them). I’ll be there with all my bubble paraphernalia, blowing strangers until I run out of juice. I don’t care if I’m the only one who shows up; I haven’t had time to arrange a bubble picnic yet this summer so this will have to suffice. Sunday! 3pm! Vancouver Art Gallery steps, facing Georgia! BUBBLES!

It’s not at all like I’ve been doing nothing with my time – just last night, I invented Death Metal:

What did you do with YOUR Thursday night?

THE FUTURE IS AWESOME!

Reilly went above and beyond the call of duty yesterday, and scored me an iPhone 4 while standing in line for his own. You’re allowed two per customer and he was only there to buy one, so he bought the second for me and delivered it to my office. YAY! Reilly is super!

I set it up last night, and have been tinkering with it all day. I also did a mass purge of applications; scaling down to 185 from an all-time high of 215. I spent a good amount of time rearranging my icons and folders (again) to make it it a little easier to locate items. Once all that was done, I took a giant leap into the terrifying: I jailbroke my phone so I could install MyWi and My3G. These two apps will allow me to a) turn my iPhone into a wi-fi hotspot, allowing me to tether my iPad to it from anywhere and b) use Facetime over 3G. The second is really just a novelty, as I don’t really talk on the phone let alone have any interest in having someone watch me do it – but the first was the entire reason I bought the setup I have now. I have the 6GB data plan that I’ve never come remotely close to using up, and now that I can tether the iPad to it .. the potential is limitless and kind of awesome.

I am tickled several shades of happy about this all. I wasn’t expecting to get my hands on an iPhone 4 until the end of August if at all – Reilly is totally my hero of the month. Hooray for awesome people!

I named my phone Atomic Broccoli.

What?

I have decided that I am no longer stressed out. Not because it’s a special form of hell, or because I am having some sort of breakdown, or because it’s just plain no fun – no, I’m refusing to be stressed out any longer because it’s DOING REALLY BAD THINGS TO MY SKIN.

Seriously, I am tired of having wrinkles AND zits. This sucks, so I am done with it. My hair is also suffering – where the hell did this FRIZZ come from? So, no more. Everything is super; therefore, my skin will clear up and my hair will stop making me wonder what I look like bald. Hooray! I should write a book about the Power of Positive Thinking and call it something mysterious like “The Answer” or “The Ticket” – I’ll get on Oprah and make MILLIONS. I’ve found my phase 2!

I AM in a fairly good mood, though. I slept relatively well, no one looked in my windows to see me naked, and I am completely adoring the fact that Ed has been riding Oscar for the last couple of weeks. He’s waiting for his exhaust to come back from somewhere, and instead of being without wheels I convinced him to ride the Vino instead. It delights me to no end to see both of my scooters parked together when we go out. I’m still technically trying to sell Oscar, but it’s kind of really awesome to have a back up scooter to go to when one is under the weather. I know this is pretty spoiled of me, but it’s SO HANDY. I’ll enjoy it while I can – there’s nothing worse than wanting to go on an Adventure only to have Ed not be able to ride because his bike has a problem AGAIN, so this is doing a lot to keep my rage at a minimum. I am not difficult to please – I just want everyone to be able to drop everything at my whim and play along. That isn’t too much to ask.

I reverse engineered a crappy Chinese toy at work this morning, and I am feeling powerful. Fear my screwdriver!

I can’t *not* stare at this every time I get into the elevator at work:

"kind" indeed

It’s depressing as hell. I wish the building people would do something about it – there’s no reason for that one elevator to have padding up 24/7, especially when people love to vandalize it – but they won’t, so it stays. Hooray for humanity! We’ve come such a long way.

i'd rather be up there