In the 9.7 years I’ve had this blog, I’ve never made a cent from it. I don’t have ads or shill products in exchange for kickbacks or say nice things about companies that give me free stuff. People have told me to do otherwise, but I just .. haven’t. Don’t really want to. I kind of like being able to say that I’m complete untethered and sponsor-free and answer to no one but myself – in addition to being a pride thing, it also means I can say whatever I want without fear. DAMN HELL ASS! CRAP BOOBS CRAP! HELL DAMN FART!

Ahem. Anyway, I’ve been mulling over an idea for a while now, and yesterday decided to take the plunge: I applied to be a link affiliate for iTunes. This has nothing to do with Delicious Juice Dot Com, but would be used for my App Blog – I’ve been using another site’s affiliate code, so every time you buy something based on my suggestion, some other site gets cash. This hardly seems fair, so I tried to Do Something about it.

And promptly got rejected. Apple doesn’t WANT me as an affiliate. They have utterly flattened my ego and left me bruised and alone on the forest floor. To soften the crushing blow, they gave me a list of reasons I was turned down and said once I fixed them, I could apply again:

Dear Hopeless Loser Kimli,

We regret to inform you that iTunes has chosen not to accept your application for the iTunes Affiliate Program at this time.  This may be because:

• The content is unrelated to iTunes
• Your site promotes tobacco, alcoholic beverages or excessive drinking/drug use
• Your site contains extreme religious content
• Your site is international (with a majority of visitors based OUTSIDE the US or written in a foreign language)

Busted. They reviewed my site and saw that instead of reviewing apps, I regularly extol the virtues of the Army of God and make crack pipes from empty Русский Стандарт bottles (after drinking the contents of course). Apple was right to reject my affiliate application. Who am I to think that I deserve to benefit from the information I share with others? No one, that’s who. I am a bad man. A bad man who blogs in Ancient Sanskrit.

I’m really surprised that one of the reasons for my rejection *wasn’t* “adult content”. While it’s true that my app blog is relatively clean – I’ve only mentioned my vagina and boobs once – if they traced it back here, they’d be awash in my feminine juices which I hear not everyone appreciates for some reason.

So, I might try again. I might not. It isn’t a do or die thing for me; I just thought it might be neat to see what it’s like to profit from my constant internetting. I might also start giving away apps to people – did you know you can gift applications? I might buy some iTunes credits for this exact purpose. I like sharing things, okay. If it costs me a dollar but spreads some love in the process, then that’s a dollar well spent.

in your eyes i am complete