I have a nipple span of 15″.

Miranda and I took our measurements to order our dresses for Josh and Shan’s wedding today, and one of the required measurements was from nipple to nipple. In fact, most of the measurements had to do with our nipples – distance from shoulder to nipple, from nipple to floor, circumference of nipples, approximate colour when compared against a chart of differently-strengthed cups of coffee, if your nipple was a tree what kind would it be. I don’t really know why the site wanted such detailed information about our nipples – the dresses we’ll be wearing with Kris as Shan’s Lady Party do not show our nipples, regardless of their distance from our hip bones.

Truthfully, I’m not convinced this isn’t some kind of hilarious Chinese prank and now there are dressmakers in Asia giggling that we fell for it. Then again, I’m completely ignorant in the ways of dressmaking – is nipple span actually a thing? Like, are people going to compliment me on my excellent nipple span, or maybe laugh behind my back at my freakishly big/small nip-to-nip number? Should I be embarrassed or proud of my 15″? I know how this works for guys, but I’m not so sure when it comes to lady time.

Dresses are hard.

for future reference