go play with yourself

Between the wedding, my new job and the annoying need to sleep now and again, I’ve had very little time to get into trouble. What free time I DO have has been more or less completely occupied with the following:

Bullistic Unleashed

Universal
Genre: Angry Birds with blood and guts
Price: $0.99 (possible launch price)

For all the carnage you bring down on those smirking asshole pigs, there’s very little blood and gore in Angry Birds. Enter the Bulls – they’re pissed off (at the mall, for some reason) and they’re going to Fuck. Shit. Up. Fling the bulls around and cause as much damage as you possibly can to advance, punch shoppers in the face if they get to close, and have sex with saucy girl cows. Yeah, there’s cow sex. You know you’re curious. The game is a blast, occasionally frustrating, and absolutely worth the dollar. Get it now, so the developers will release new content!


Siege Hero

Universal
Genre: Angry Birds with fair maidens
Price: FREE (sale price)

I know there are a million and one Angry Bird clones out there, but Siege Hero is one of the best – I like it far more than the original. It’s got a massive amount of content, and right now it’s FREE – go get it, save some maidens, and give the dastardly villains their due. It’ll keep you entertained for hours, which is a pretty good deal for the low low price of absolutely nothing.

Sky Gnomes

Universal
Genre: Gnome Racing!
Price: $0.99

Tired of flinging things? How about dropping gnomes out of the sky instead? Sky Gnomes is an online racing game with daily tournaments to enter. Race against others, mod your vehicle to take advantage of the environment, and earn coins and spare parts to upgrade your power-ups. I’ve been having a great deal of fun with Sky Gnomes, and can’t wait to see what they’re going to come out with next. It’s a really well done app, great for fast play, and before long you’ll find yourself purchasing in-app bonus packs so you can come out on top because I HATE LOSING. That may be just me, though. It’s completely playable without the IAP; I just .. like giving my money away.

Swordigo

Universal
Genre: RPG with flaming swords!
Price: $1.99

To be perfectly honest, Swordigo is a Zelda clone. However, it’s a very GOOD Zelda clone, and is worth a play if you like RPGs (and only communists don’t like RPGs). Swordigo is a side-scrolling RPG with quests and magic and that noise from Zelda that played whenever you found something useful. Keep an eye out for sales if $2 is too rich for your blood, but it’s definitely worth the asking price based on length of gameplay alone.

Saturday Morning RPG

Universal
Genre: An RPG based on Saturday Morning cartoons from the 80s
Price: Free to download and for the first episode; subsequent episodes will be $1.99

This game is awesome. It’s immediately nostalgic – your inventory and profile is in a Trapper Keeper – and is really funny (one of the quests is to stop all the downloadin’). A lot of thought and detail went into this game, and it’s a blast to play. Combat is a little clunky at times, but it’s rarely noticeable because you’ll be having too much fun choosing your weapons and power-ups (you can injure enemies by transforming into a big semi truck. Gee, I wonder why I like this game so much?). Even if you don’t want to pay for episode 2 and later updates, it’s free to play the first chapter and is a great way to keep yourself out of trouble for a little while as you wait for your Doomsday device to charge up. Go get it.

There, those should keep you busy for a while. Have at them! I’ve got sports ball to learn!

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