There are a row of store fronts beneath our condo that, for most of the time we’ve lived in Sparta, have been empty. When we moved in, we secretly hoped for AWESOME STORES to move in so we could shop at home: a Kin’s Market, or a COBS, or maybe the resurrection of Voltage so I could spend all my money on toys. Hell, we’d have even taken a Starbucks, provided they promised not to burn any goddamn coffee. Unfortunately, we quickly learned that the strata was afraid of being overthrown by super-intelligent mice so they made a rule: no food vendors were allowed to rent the commercial units. I was especially annoyed/disappointed by this decision, because one of the few things I dislike about our home is the lack of convenience nearby: yes I can get a Big Mac or large double double 24 hours a day, but it’s the staples – green leafy things, bread, freshly slaughtered meats – that I wish I had immediate access to. Those kinds of businesses would make a killing (no pun intended) in our building, because there’s nothing similar around for miles and miles. It’s an ongoing erotic fantasy of mine: having access to fresh ingredients when I need them, instead of buying them at the store in case I might want to cook at some point and hoping like hell things haven’t rotted to sludge when I finally get around to using them.

That kind of crazy forward thinking will evidently get me nowhere in life. Still, businesses are slowly starting to move into the commercial space: instead of staring at a dozen “FOR LEASE” signs on my way home, I only have to stare at 7 or so. And the places we’re getting are mad useful, too:

• Meathead Muscle Man’s Protein Emporium: free steroids with every gallon of whey
• Fancy Shower Glass, for all your fancy shower stall needs
• A locksmith
• Signs! Banners! Your Face on a Sweatshirt!
• A place that does, according to Ed, the WORLD’S SLOWEST HAIRCUTS
• Extravagant Drapery; an upscale curtain place that doesn’t sell thread or know what it is
• an Asian Relaxation Spa

We all snickered wildly when the spa moved in – hahah Asian Relaxation! Mildly racist comments about oral sex for $5! Happy endings! We are all of the funny!

Turns out, we weren’t so much hilarious as we were COMPLETELY RIGHT:

grand opening!

this one doesn’t look so bad, but it’s from the Straight’s “adult services” section and every sleazy website i could find

Yeah, there’s a “full service” massage parlour in our condo building, with a steady stream (no pun intended) of clientele coming in the back door (pun slightly intended) instead of walking in off the street. I don’t know why this is – shouldn’t they be proud to let the world know they’re paying someone to manipulate their wiener around for fun and pleasure? Naturally, I’ve offered to pay for Ed to be serviced in their large rooms just like home, but he won’t take me up on my offer to my eternal disappointment and frustration. I am DYING to know what happens in there, before they inevitably get kicked out of the building (not so much because they’re touching dongs for profit, but because they’re letting customers in through the back door which is NOT ALLOWED). Maybe for Christmas, his present to me can be allowing me to pay to have his dingle fondled by strangers. I’ve been real good this year, Santa. I haven’t offered anyone a naked sensuous massage for AGES.

HAPPY HOUR!