In the last twenty minutes, I have become intensely, droopingly tired. While it’s true I didn’t get enough sleep last night – I was cold and hungry and there were wolves – it’s more an emotional tired than anything else.
The last week at work has been .. interesting. Mostly exhausting. There is upheaval afoot, and the Powers That Be want to make some significant changes. This is not always a terrible thing, but in this particular instance, it would mean my job would become boring. Part of the reshuffling of duties would mean that I am not nearly as involved with my projects as I currently am, and that makes me sad all over.
I do too much at work, in that I’ve taken on (or forced my way into) duties that are way outside my job description. I don’t actually mind this – in fact, I like it this way because even though it sometimes drives me mad, I get to play a big role in projects. I like knowing what’s going on, and I like figuring out what needs to be done – it’s basically process improvement on a bigger scale. The more I know about the project, the more I find myself trying to run or guide the team. I make (very educated) decisions that I probably shouldn’t be making – not because I’m wrong (I’m never wrong), but because it’s not my place to make them: I’m a tech writer, not a project manager. I should be writing tech, not managing projects. Bad Kimli.
Thing is, I’m kinda good at it. I LIKE knowing all the answers and trying to stay several steps ahead of the game. I LIKE being frazzled and challenged on a daily basis; I like getting everything in order, and .. okay, I like being bossy and telling people (nicely) what to do.
If the suggested changes come to pass, I won’t be allowed to do those things anymore. I wouldn’t even really be required to think – instead of having a hand in the planning, I’d be delegating to word monkey: taking someone else’s notes, and making uninformed edits to a document. That’s it. And that would make me cry.
I might be doing this backwards – instead of looking forward to reducing my workload, I dread it. There’s nothing more terrible (or dangerous) than boring, and if the fun “illicit” things I do at work are taken away from me, I would be so bored. Bored and over-qualified, because you could pay someone half my salary to simply transcribe notes and call it a day.
So what do I do?
Well, the way I see it, three things could happen:
- The new terrible changes may quietly go away and things will remain the same
- The new terrible changes manifest, and I stomp and kick my way to a new role – one that would give me too MUCH control, but at least I’d be able to retain the parts I like (and also have to do the parts that are terrifying)
- The new terrible changes manifest and I’m not allowed to stomp and kick my way to a new role so instead I stomp and kick my way over to Sales and Marketing
Option 1 would clearly be the easiest, but now that I’ve had to think about it, options 2 and 3 would be a lot more interesting. I wonder if I could do it. I wonder if they’d let me do it. I guess I’m about to find out one way or another, because I talked to both HR and my boss today about these intriguing ideas and now I am totally wiped out. I’ve been worried and stressed for days, perched up on this fence about whether I should share these ambitious thoughts with anyone, and now that I have, I’m practically falling over. SO. TIRED. What have I signed myself up for? Hopefully, an opportunity to be awesome.
I like being awesome.