Listen up, Vancouver:

I know it’s May 29th and the weather kind of sucks. It’s a Wednesday, which is usually the worst day of the week what with the no end in sight. Maybe you slept poorly, or you missed your bus, or your boss has been riding your ass about the Harrison account. Car’s in the shop? Pants are too tight? Husband fell asleep after his orgasm and forgot about yours? I get it. Stuff sucks all over.

But that is NO REASON to be such a RAMPAGING MEGA BITCH all over my happy little Wednesday, you stuck-up harpy twats.

Everyone is so cranky today. I got many nasty looks on the bus from various women who disapprove of my bountiful bosom – many more than usual, that is – and when I got to work, four different snooty ladies in high heels were varying degrees of bitchy towards me. Was it really necessary to yank the door out of my hand because I evidently wasn’t moving fast enough? Did you really need to shove past me to get to the elevator first? I’m sorry that my accidental crossing of your path ruined your day to the degree your heaving sigh warranted, and yes please throw shade my way because I accidentally brushed your $ridiculously expensive, utterly hideous designer bag with my low-brow self. I earned your scorn! Teach me to always defer to the better-dressed!

Seriously, people. What the fuck could be so terrible that you have to not only ruin your day, but the days of those around you? Not at all cool, and I refuse to play along: for every person who glares, harumphs, sneers, or tuts my way, I shall counter with a brilliant, mocking smile. You won’t bring me down, nasty people! I laugh at your general disapproval and grim-but-well-toned asses!