It’s times like these that I thank a wide selection of deities from across the universe that my mother, during one of our many heartfelt mother-daughter talks, shared this advice with me:

“Watch your drink, because Americans are good at the sex.”

Still as true today as it was on that warm spring day back in 1999, when I told my mother I had to travel to Cincinnati for work. “Watch your drink”, she said. I must have looked confused, because she immediately explained: “because Americans are good at the sex.”

How many times has this advice saved me? A hundred times? A thousand? It could be a thousand. I am around Americans a lot; all of whom are constantly eyeballing my drink so they can have sex with it. But they can’t. Because I watch my drink, like my mother taught me to. Thanks, mom!

On Sunday morning, I’m flying to Chicago via Toronto for Business Stuff. I haven’t been on a business trip since 2001 (unless you count going to Langley, which I clearly do not), and I’m a little worried that things have changed since then: what if I do meetings wrong? What if there are new steps I haven’t memorized, or if someone offers me a drink that I have not watched? I won’t know what to do! I wasn’t worried about this trip before, but now I’m freaking out a little. I’m rusty with people skills. I’m off-putting and weird. And what’s in Chicago? Do they even HAVE Diet Coke there?! Is it too late to stay home?

.. I just realized that although I laugh at my mom’s advice, I DO watch my drink all the time: I carry a reusable cup around with me everywhere, and supply my own drinks and ice. I claim it’s because I don’t trust that the world will provide me with Diet Coke when I want it, but what if I’m subliminally doing what my mother said?? No one can poison my drink or flop their wiener around in it if I’m the only one with access to my cup, and only a fool would get between me and my Diet Coke. Oh my god – I took my mother’s advice. EVERYBODY PANIC! THE WORLD IS OBVIOUSLY ENDING!

Apocalypse aside, how do you Chicago?