have you ever wanted something
so badly
that it possessed your body and your soul
through the night and through the day
until you finally get it
and then you realize that it wasn’t what you wanted after all
and then those selfsame sickly little thoughts
now go and attach themselves to something
or somebody
new
and the whole goddamn thing starts all over again

This isn’t entirely appropriate though, because we didn’t get it. And we didn’t not get it. Basically, we never got to the getting stage and now I am sad.

Ed is sick and I have a broken foot and we’re leaving for New York in two weeks and our realtor is in Paris, so we thought it was a great time to try and buy a townhouse. I stumbled upon a listing and we accidentally went to the open house and I unintentionally fell in love with the place – almost 1500 square feet, three floors, backing onto a forest, within our price range, beautifully renovated, a ton of amenities. It was perfect. I didn’t think we’d actually stand a chance of getting it, because housing in Vancouver is utterly fucked up and even though we could afford the asking price, if there was any sort of bidding war we’d be out in the first round – but that didn’t stop me from daydreaming about three bedrooms and forests and no truck routes or crosswalk signals. It’s not like I was planning on moving, because our chances were so infinitesimally ridiculously small. I expected we’d bid, we’d be immediately outbid, and I would pout but be fine with it.

What I DIDN’T expect was our being unable to get to the bidding stage at all, based on mortgage rules and realistic numbers and my good friend the CMHC, who’s already screwed me out of my dream home once so why not make it twice. All the sadness and hopelessness of the initial buying process came flooding back, because while my brain and heart were totally prepared to lose a bidding war, I wasn’t prepared to hear we can’t do it for other (valid, I guess, but I am not the numbers person in this so to me it’s just things being utterly stupid and mean) reasons. I’m wallowing in hopelessness regarding the Vancouver housing market and convinced we’ll never ever be able to upgrade. On the flip side, it’s more ammo for Plan B (get the fuck out of Vancouver altogether and move overseas).

I am sad. And “Dusk” by The The is a phenomenal album, even 23 years later.