I almost feel bad for building hype about my horrible, shocking confession – it’s only going to shock one or two people at most, and in the grand scheme of things it really isn’t *that* horrible. Still, this is me. I can’t get the mail without it being a big production. Seriously, ask me sometime what happened when I went to get the mail today.

Okay. Ready? Deep breath taken? Sitting down? Legs spread in case you need to place your head between your knees? Here we go, then:

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Someone write a song about me, please.

There are lots of songs with girl’s names as the title and some of them are awesome. I’ve been sort of addicted to The Plain White T’s “Hey There Delilah”, in part because there’s a real Delilah and a backstory and everything (and now, a response from “her” lawyer! Heeeee, brilliant.) . I wish there was a song about Kimli, but only sort of – I’d want it to be an *awesome* song, but not one that was so awesome that it would make people name their babies after it. I want my delicious, moist cake and I would like to eat it too: someone please write a hit song about me, but put a strange line in there that would make people think twice about using it as a name for a kid. I’m not demanding at all, really. Oh, and if it could have a Rock Flute in it, that would be awesome.

I should probably explain why the site has gone from Juice to Cake, too. I’ve been playing a game on the 360 called Portal, which is only the best game to be released this year and quite possibly ever. It’s an action/puzzle/FPS/comedy game, which would be an impossible genre to wrap your head around unless you’ve played it (and even then, you will be saying “what the FUCK?!” while playing it then laughing hysterically). Anyway, a major plot point in the game is cake. The temporary title of my site refers to that, and also to this song (don’t listen or read the lyrics if you’re planning on playing Portal, but I swear it’s worth it even for non-gamers), which appears over the ending credits and is utterly genius. It was written by Jonathan Coulton (he of the Ikea song, the equally brilliant Skullcrusher Mountain, and so much more) whom I have oft admired but now absolutely adore.

It’s sunny outside, and warm-ish. I need to pick up more special cat food for Sasha, so I will scoot there. Yay! She threw up early this morning, but I’m pretty sure it’s because she was hungry and got into Cheddar’s food, then realized it was gross and purged it. She seems fine, if indignant that I left her to starve while I dozed away the wee hours of the morning.

Next up on Delicious Cake Juice Dot Com: a horrible, shocking confession!

HAPPY KATAMARI DAY, EVERYONE!

Beautiful Katamari for the 360 comes out today. Am I excited? You bet your sweet bippy I am! I will be going down momentarily to pick up my pre-ordered copy, then I will come home and not come out until I’ve rolled up the universe. YAY!

It’s all just so serendipitous, too – last night I finished the Phantom Zelda. It was my goal to finish the game before the new Katamari came out so’s my attention wouldn’t be divided and LO I met my gaming goal. I am a happy nerdling! Hooray!

I didn’t realize until Ed started looking a little green that perhaps my post below might not be for the squeamish. If you’re not into blood or needles, I suggest you wade into the past with caution. I thought it was really funny, but who am I to unintentionally squick people out? Sorry about that!

I’m trying to sell my old phone. It’s a Samsung a900 from Bell Mobility, contract-free, and comes with extras – adapters, protective cases, purchased ring tones, and my DNA. It’s a bargain at $150; any takers? I posted it to Craig and his list, but so far all the responses have been “I’ll give you $50 for it”, “I just want the car charger, can I have it”, and “good evening sir I am Prince Hassem of Nigeria”. It’s a great phone that I wouldn’t be selling if I didn’t accidentally win an auction for a new phone which I’ve since activated and attached fun bundles to. All my friends are on different providers, but surely someone out there is on Bell and needs a sexy new phone!

Hey, I should shower and scoot to get my Katamari freak on!

Lmpe ejsy O esmy yp fp? Know what I want to do? Other than learn how to type and the true meaning behind “home row”, that is?

I want to write video game manuals.

I got a chance yesterday to wax poetic about what I want to be when I grow up, and the answer just sort of came to me like a blinding flash of the obvious: I want to write game manuals. I don’t know if you know this about me, but I like to write and occasionally I have been known to play video games. It would make a whole hell of a lot of sense if I could put the two together and somehow still be able to pay rent each month. Whenever I am looking for a job (which seems to happen with startling frequency – good thing I own my own life preserver), I’m inevitably asked “Why don’t you write for a living?” While it’s supremely flattering to think that someone likes my finger words enough to believe that others would pay for the privilege of reading them, I wouldn’t have the foggiest idea where to begin, what to write about, or how to truly form a coherent sentence without abusing my most excellent friend, the dash.

I’ve bandied the idea of game reviews around too, but I don’t think I’m cut out for it. I’m extremely particular about the games I play (she says, looking at her bookshelf full of DS titles that are rarely touched except when it’s time to trade them in for more), and I don’t think I could do games I hate justice. While I could easily try to submit reviews for the games I do play and enjoy, I really don’t see me making a living at it. How many times can someone read “this game is okay, but it’s no Katamari Damacy” before they just give up? I’m thinking not very many.

I don’t think turning your favourite thing ever into a job is always that smart. You do things as a hobby to relax and get away from the real world, and I’ve seen first hand what happens when worlds collide – things get less fun, and as a being who is solely, 100% completely and utterly all about the fun, I don’t think turning my happy times into a daily grind is a good idea. That’s where game manuals come in. See, I very rarely consult a game manual when I dive into a new title. However, that doesn’t mean they’re not important – most people are not like me and tend to not think they know everything about all games ever, and will actually read or consult the manual before they start to play. Other people are like Ed, and will disgustingly and horribly read game manuals while on the toilet. Game manuals get read. They are important and occasionally awesome. I want to write them for a living – it’s combining two of the five passions in my life (the other three being Diet Coke, scooters, and bugging Ed for a pug) without encroaching on any of my hobbies. It makes perfect sense. I would be an incredible game manual writer. I’m detailed, amusing, anal retentive, and an excellent documentationist. I have a broad background (shut up) in video games, not just as a player but as someone who works in the industry sort of. I am cute and bubbly, and according to the lovely receptionist who ushered me into my meeting yesterday, have both a beautiful smile and first name – very important things in the world of video game manual writing. So, I’m all set.

All I need to do now is find a company looking for a video game manual writer. Naturally, I don’t have any idea how to do this. Short of parking myself on the doorstep of the many game companies in Vancouver and begging them for my dream job, I am at a loss for how to begin. This is what I want to do. How do I get there? Help!

Nintendo sent me a set of DS Lite styluses (stylii?) for free! I filled out some survey about a game I bought, and I got presents for it. I love swag, and I love useful swag more – and even best of all is useful swag that comes in some pretty damn fancy packaging. Neato!

WANT.