i’m (not) okay

Nothing takes the wind out of my sails like receiving a letter stating that I’ve been officially declared as clinically extremely vulnerable and as a result I’m eligible to receive my vaccination sooner than my allotted age group.

On one hand, cool! Vaccines for me!

On the other hand, I feel like I’m about to keel over and die any second and the only person unaware of my impending implosion is me.

I have a relatively small list of fears: tarantulas, children, children tarantulas, and my own mortality. I am paralyzed with fear when I think that I could die any second. There’s so much I would miss out on – I don’t know what any of it is, but I guarantee that I’d rather be alive for it than otherwise. The thought of either Ed or myself shuffling off this mortal coil absolutely scares the fuck out of me, and every time my doctor calls me to send me off for more mysterious testing, I completely shut down and just can’t function. And then, true to my nature, I start worrying about all of my stuff that someone’s going to have to deal with. And all my passwords. Who will manage my passwords?!

They did a full blood panel on me several weeks ago, the results of which were apparently so alarming that every specialist in the city has been alerted to the walking medical conundrum that I represent. I had to do an exercise test that I spent most of a week scared shitless about (mostly thanks to Ed confusing “exercise test” with “athletic endurance test”), complete with having to wear a heart monitor overnight because I have such a lack of natural rhythm that even my heart can’t keep a beat. I haven’t heard anything about the results. They’re sending me to be blinded by science on Monday with an ophthalmologist, and I’m supposed to get a call from a hemogoblinologist soon so they can look at my blood with lasers. I don’t know if this is all just routine testing – my doctor literally phoned in the appointment – but every new test they send me on throws me into a spiral of fear.

I want to see this new status as a good thing because I’ll be protected from the ‘vid that much sooner, but I can’t see it as anything other than forewarning that my fast lane lifestyle and the hard partying I haven’t yet gotten around to is finally catching up with me, and I’m falling apart in fast motion.

Literally the only thing I have to do in this world is keep myself alive, and I’m failing miserably at it.

There isn’t enough pot in the world to help me deal with this. I’m fucking terrified.

at least this made me laugh

eat a dick, gravity

Accident-Free for 0 Days

I fell off Lola this morning. No real damage done to anything other than my ego, but I’m a wee bit bloody and will start to bruise soon. Poor Lola has some shiny new scratches on her right side, which one of the worst parts of all of this. If I were the kind of person who equated owning things with motherhood, I would say that I am a bad scooter mom. Fortunately, I am not that kind of person.

The bruises and scrapes are bad, but I feel pretty awful about this for a lot of other reasons that I will now list for you here:

  • It vindicates the people who told me I couldn’t ride my scooter with a broken foot, even though it totally doesn’t. I drove to work one day last week, and it fucking sucked – the Minibator is standard, and operating the clutch with my broken booted foot was just a terrible idea all over the place. When riding my scooter and not falling off it, my left foot doesn’t touch the ground. Lola is automatic AND I’ve always used my right foot as my balancing foot. Today’s fall was a stupid miscalculation on my part that would have happened even if I wasn’t broken.
  • I’m on vacation as of 5pm. I’ve been working from home a lot lately because of the aforementioned broken foot, but I had planned on being in the office today to take care of some things and put in some face time before I take off on international adventures.
  • I had a hot dinner date tonight that I now have to postpone because sore and broken and generally out of sorts and sad
  • There were two important errands I wanted to run today
  • I am a walking disaster

I’m very excited about adventure, but today is made of suck.

Oh well. At least my bandages are cute.


the hazardous misadventures of perilous kimli

Getting swept out to sea: I don’t like it.

We’re in Tofino. The four of us arrived last night, meeting up with the other four already at the cabin. It is awesome here, even when faced with near death via epic tides.

I’m posting from my phone in a sketchy-coverage area, so this will be short – in fact, it’s just long enough to say that I did survive the tidal wave and my boots were not waterproof and I may have to go home tomorrow pantless.

Which, of course, is just fine by me.

another one bites the dust

Alas, poor dangerous Starbucks cup! I knew him, Horatio; a cup of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy – he hath borne me Diet Coke a thousand times; and now! How abhorred in my imagination it is! My gorge rims at it! Here sat the lip from which I drank I know not how oft. Where be your liquids now? Your ice cubes? Your bubbling refreshment? Your icy cold merriment that were wont to set the table on a roar? Not one now, to mock your own gaping mouth.

This keyboard tray is going to be the death of me. My beloved and controversial Starbucks (and unfortunately freshly full) mug fell off my desk and shattered, dumping the delicious contents all over my floor and making one big giant clusterfuck of a mess. This sucks. I loved that mug. It was perfect for my nefarious beverages, and now it is no more and I can’t even replace it because of the recall notice. This also sucks! I hate everything!



danger cup


I very rarely pay attention to product recalls, mostly because I don’t buy normal people items and I happen to enjoy the taste of lead, thank you very much. While reading the Consumerist today though, one product recall caught my eye: Starbucks Fusion Coffee Mugs.

I love Starbucks mugs, and have a little collection of them that I use on a daily basis. I didn’t think the recall applied to me as I couldn’t imagine what a Fusion Coffee Mug was, but I delved further just in case.

Description: This recall involves two styles of Starbucks 14-ounce Fusion Coffee Mugs. The mugs are white and have a black plastic handle, and a stainless steel base. The cups have “Starbucks Coffee” printed on a black stamp or a brown original Starbucks logo stamp.

Uh oh.

Sold at: Mugs with the “Starbucks Coffee” stamp were sold at Starbucks stores nationwide from February 2007 through November 2007 for about $11. Mugs with the original logo stamp were sold only at Starbucks Pike Place store in Seattle, Washington during the same period and for the same price.


The recall is for the exact mug I have sitting on my desk right now. Oh, of all the desks in all the living rooms in the world, why did it have to walk into mine? I am in DANGER! Danger of being BURNED!

Wait –

They’re recalling the mug because the handle could come off when filled with hot liquids, which poses a burn hazard. The only thing I’ve ever enjoyed out of this mug (except for that one night I enjoyed hot chocolate and Bailey’s) is Diet Coke – lots and lots of Diet Coke. The likelihood of my filling this mug with hot liquid on any occasion is not at all strong, and now I know there’s a hazard, I’ll just use one of my many other mugs. Besides, I *like* this mug. I bought it specifically because I wanted something from the First Starbucks Evar. They’re giving people a full refund and offering a free drink as incentive to return them, but is that really worth the hassle of my going into a Vancouver Starbucks, explaining the recall to them, trying to get them to figure out how to refund me the US price of the mug, then getting a free drink I don’t really want (my last Starbucks experience was a little traumatic)? Having the mug itself is more of an enjoyment to me than my $11 back would be. $11 might buy you an ale, but it would not buy you any whores and what, then, is the point?

I’ve made up my mind – I’m keeping my mug (ooh yeah, I’m keeping my mug).

once upon a time, i fell down

I have a sneaking suspicion I may have partially dislocated my left shoulder.

For the last little while, my left shoulder has been acting all funny – aching when I sleep funny, twinging most painfully when I stretch, clicking when I swing my arms in a jaunty way, doing this terrifying thing where it feels like it’s going to pop out of the socket and say howdy do – basically, doing all the things I would expect from a previously dislocated shoulder. However, it was my right shoulder that met the ground in such a tragic way last April – while I know I’m sometimes flighty and can’t tell the difference between a cupboard and a closet, it seems pretty unlikely that my body would forget what side is the injured one and make things go hurty in the wrong place. My right shoulder has been doing the same thing, albeit less severely. In fact, it feels almost like I have TWO dislocated shoulders; one more recently displaced than the other – but that doesn’t make any sense, I haven’t fallen off anythin –

Oh, shit.

I DID fall off Oscar a little while ago, and I landed rather spectacularly on my left side. I remember it hurting all over and my knee being a disgusting mess (again), but also that I was more worried that a) I hadn’t ripped my jeans while falling because they were new, and b) I hadn’t damaged my camera, as it was hanging around my neck and hit the ground when I fell. It’s entirely possible that I managed to injure my shoulder during this trip down – I was awfully stiff and sore afterwards, but I just attributed this to having been on a scooter all day and also falling off and landing hard. Could this be why I’m having left shoulder trouble? Does it explain away the extremely alarming incident of a few minutes ago wherein my shoulder started cramping for no reason and it felt like someone jammed a soldering gun into it? So wacky!

I’m really glad there were witnesses to that fall, because it’s really starting to trip me out. For starters, I fell on my LEFT side. I never, ever fall on my left! Perhaps even more alarming than that is this next eerie spine-tingling fact: I didn’t write about the incident at all.

I went through the last 5 months of posts, and I can’t find any reference to the fall. I know it happened – Ed, Josh and Shan were all there – but why on earth didn’t I update about it? I update about EVERYTHING! It’s unfathomable to me that I wouldn’t write about falling down yet again – unless that’s the very reason why I didn’t. Was I embarrassed to have fallen again? I probably should be by now, but it seems highly out of character for me not to have verbally chastised myself for the whole internet to see. Did other epic things happen that weekend that would have made the fall not newsworthy? It’s possible, except I don’t recall what else we did that weekend and if I can’t find it in my archives, then it obviously didn’t happen. I am so confused. Also, true to my nature, I am more worried about the fact that I can’t find any sort of record of my fall rather than be worried about these weird electric-shock type of shoulder jolts I’m experiencing.


Edit: AHA! I FOUND IT! I remembered that we scooted *everywhere* that day, including to Iona Beach and did some plane-watching. I looked up the dates on the pictures I posted to Flickr, then went to the corresponding entries for that time period and I found this:

We went for a marathon scoot yesterday; out for about ten hours so today is a good day to clean and recover (yes, I fell down yesterday – shut up).

So I DID write about it, in passing. I feel so much better now – you wouldn’t believe how much this was bothering me.

As you were, then.

i forget

Help me out here:

Is dropping an open pot of makeup into a bowl of olive oil and balsamic vinegar a good thing or a bad thing? Not that I just did that, or anything. I’m asking out of pure scientific interest, that’s all. I’m curious, not clumsy.

danger potato

Being by myself all day is hazardous. I just had a near death encounter with a potato when I discovered that I cannot breathe potatoes, much to my dismay. It’s dangerous to leave me to my own devices for upwards of 10 hours a day; I am just that clumsy.

The potato wasn’t even all that good. I nearly died for nothing! What a waste.

Near Death by Carbohydrate aside, I’ve been busy. I gave some thought to the whole video game obsession, and started a new section on my site in which I wax more poetry about the games I’m playing. It’s up there under the picture (which is new, lookit) in a section wittily called “Game Reviews”. If you’re really bored, check it out. There are many, many words in there because I do not believe in being brief or wearing briefs or carrying briefcases. I did add some handy shortcuts for ease of navigation; each game title links to the review on IGN.com (and not ING.com because I don’t think the friendly British Dutch man who wants to save you money would have a lot to say about video games), and best of all you get to see me licking a Japanese copy of Me and My Katamari. What’s not to love? Nothing, that’s what.

Seriously though, if you manage to make it through the page please let me know what you think – not even Ed had the patience to sit through it all, and he claims to love me.

I am 4 hours into The Phantom Zelda, and it is a hoot.

Yesterday I stood outside in the rain to wait for UPS. While I was out there I took some pictures that I think turned out pretty cool. I know any hack with a camera can take macro shots of stuff and garden pictures are boring and scream of rank amateurism, but I really like how these came out. So there.

Back to abusing my resources, then.

true nerds strong and free

Sad: We had to Google “how to start a fire”

Sadder: We still couldn’t get the damn thing going

We wouldn’t last 30 minutes in a survival situation.

(it’s not completely our fault – the wood we were trying to burn was damp and we had very little kindling to work with) (we’re still pretty sad, though)