“Hello, Elementary School near your house, how can I help you?”

“I am a grumpy, child-hating curmudgeon. Your students are loud, ill-mannered little beasts, and I demand you correct their behaviour immediately. You should consider using force, because children these days are simply horrible and they won’t learn to be quiet unless you put the fear of a good paddling into them.”


Hmm. Let’s try that again.


“Hello, Elementary School near your house, how can I help you?”

“Yes, I live across the street from where your students patrol the crosswalks in the morning. Today, the two young boys at the intersection have been yelling across the street to one another all morning, and it’s terribly loud. My small child is sick, and she can’t get to sleep because of the noise they’re creating. I’ve lived here for a few years now and this is the first time I’ve heard this kind of noise from the students, so it’s not normally a problem but it’s upsetting my baby so ..”

“Oh goodness, I am very sorry! I will speak to someone about this immediately, thank you for letting us know!”

Mission accomplished!

Yeah, I’m evil enough to make up a fake child and give her the flu in order to get my way. For some dumb reason people seem to be much more willing to help out poor Mother Sally with her sick baby than they are Grumpy Stanley who just plain hates noise and obnoxious kids, so sometimes a bit of subterfuge is needed.

Evil Kimli is evil. And this isn’t even the most evil fake baby I’ve had, either, but that’s a story for another time.

I really hate noise. I should live in a cave.

One thought on “curmudgeon

  1. Pingback: mmxii in review « delicious juice dot com: unapologetically inappropriate

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