Ever wanted to know how to treat a vagina? There’s an app for that:

Luxuria Superbia

iPad Only
Genre: vagina touching
Price: $2.99

This isn’t so much a recommendation (I haven’t tried the app) as it is “oh man look at this it’s all about foreplay!!” commentary, but .. dude. From the app description:

A simple game of touch, pleasure and joy. Luxuria Superbia is a colorful, musical journey made to fill you with joy. Exciting designs explode from your touch as you glide through playful stylized flowers. It’s all about the experience and the interaction. “Colorful… and oh-so-touchable. So touch it. You know you want to.”  — Andrew Vestal, Gaming Intelligence Agency

The screenshots are the best. “You are entering a flower. The flower is blank, but it enjoys color.” “It’s fun. Use all your fingers. Be gentle and slow to score.” “Your screen will never feel the same.”

You can’t tell me that’s not about vaginas. Vaginas are flowers! They enjoy colour and when you use all your fingers! If you’re gentle and slow, you’ll totally score! They may as well have called this app “Third Base: Fingering”.

And the innuendos just keep going:

A flower always starts out colorless. But when you touch it, color fills the tunnel. Stay in the glowing flower as long as possible! Play slowly and gently to get a high score. Just pushing through as fast as you can will result in failure. The game wants you to take it easy and be playful. The game engages with you –alone or with a friend– as an encouraging partner.

I’m pretty sure those are the EXACT WORDS I used the first time someone touched my own glowing flower, alone or with a friend.

Fuck this, I’m totally gonna buy this app right now. It’s been a while since I’ve been in someone else’s flower-like tunnel, and $3 is a low price to pay for access to someone’s garden temple.