The following things have soundly defeated me this week:

  • Pants

Earlier this year I splurged on a ridiculously expensive pair of jeans, which I then hemmed. Both of these things are unheard of: jeans are little more than blue pants, and I never hem things (preferring to trip over myself with every second step and also sweep floors). I was against the very notion, but I felt that maybe (probably) some day I would find myself in a peril that could only be resolved by my covered shins so I reluctantly outfitted myself appropriately. Unfortunately, the jeans I bought turned out to have a faulty zipper: it wouldn’t stay up. I used a key ring to keep myself relatively decent by looping it over the button, but this past weekend the zipper failed me entirely. It fell apart on my way to Victoria, and could not be fixed with any amount of hammer use. Luckily I had only planned to wear pants on the way there, but it was still awkward for the 3+ hours I had to walk around with my fly gaping open. Normally I’d write the pants off as a loss, but they were really fucking expensive so I took them in to a tailor for an emergency zipperectomy. See, this is why no one should ever wear pants: they are full of betrayal and also are stupid.

  • Apple and Disney

I like supporting dev studios if I enjoy the fuck out of their apps. This past weekend, I tried to make an in-app purchase of some game currency. I had a sketchy connection all over the place, so I didn’t think anything of it when the purchase didn’t go through: I just tried again later. Unfortunately, the purchase DID go through the first time .. at least, financially. I was charged $4.99 twice, but only received one set of the currency. No problem – I’ll just contact Apple and explain the mistake, right? Oh, but no. See, this happened before with an album purchase that went through twice. Apple reversed the charge (who would buy an album twice in the span of 25 seconds) then .. but because they did, that was my one freebie reversal and they won’t do it this time: I’m SOL. Well, that sucks. I reached out to Disney, but they’ve ignored my issue entirely. I know it’s only $5, but it’s the principle of the thing: you charged me, and I didn’t get the item. Hell, I’d be happy even if they gave me the purchase in the app .. but since they won’t answer me at all, I’m bitter and complaining about it on the internet.

  • Work

Work is busy. I am busy. I am only writing right now because I’m ignoring my lunch. This isn’t a complaint – I like being busy – but it has direct correlation to my next defeat:

  • NaBloPoMo

I am out. I wasn’t able to update yesterday (that TV wasn’t going to watch itself), so I failed in the pointless endeavour to write a blog post every day in November. Truthfully, I wasn’t feeling it – I’d much rather post real content when I feel like it, instead of rambling nonsense* to meet a quota. I do not feel guilty about failing NaBloPoMo.

*: Yes I’m aware that my “real content” is still rambling nonsense: shut up.

  • My Better Judgement

I got my wrist slapped at work yesterday for Instagramming something that was a big no-no. If I had given any thought to it whatsoever I would have realized it was a Bad Idea, but that didn’t happen so I merrily posted the picture. It was almost immediately deleted, but in the minute or so that it was up, one of the half-dozen people that saw it included my boss. Oops. Bad Kimli.

  • Doors

I’ve walked into three doors today. While a lesser person would think that perhaps THEY had failed the DOORS, I see it from the other side: the doors failed ME, for not opening magically when I needed to get through. Who cares if the door was locked and I hadn’t scanned my ID to get in? It should know better. Doesn’t the door know WHO I AM?

  • Not getting the D

Someone slipped me the D at work. Scandalous!

As an aside, this post is the 2500th post I’ve made on Delicious Juice Dot Com since switching to WordPress in late 2006. Congratulations, me! That is a metric shit ton of words! Tonight I will celebrate with frozen yogurt.

island safari

Victoria is full of ALL THE ANIMALS:


deal of the day: KITTEH!


then there was that time we found a frickin’ SWAN in the inner harbour


not to be outdone, the swan was quickly followed up by three juvenile raccoons playing in a tree


oh hello you gorgeous peahen!


one ninetieth of the ducks in beacon hill park


sorry, she deserves a second picture: just look at her!


fat squirrel runnin’ down a tree


glorious peacock being all majestic n’ shit


puppy seal eyes!

Being outside is fun.

something different

Ever wanted to know how to treat a vagina? There’s an app for that:


Luxuria Superbia

iPad Only
Genre: vagina touching
Price: $2.99

This isn’t so much a recommendation (I haven’t tried the app) as it is “oh man look at this it’s all about foreplay!!” commentary, but .. dude. From the app description:

A simple game of touch, pleasure and joy. Luxuria Superbia is a colorful, musical journey made to fill you with joy. Exciting designs explode from your touch as you glide through playful stylized flowers. It’s all about the experience and the interaction. “Colorful… and oh-so-touchable. So touch it. You know you want to.”  — Andrew Vestal, Gaming Intelligence Agency

The screenshots are the best. “You are entering a flower. The flower is blank, but it enjoys color.” “It’s fun. Use all your fingers. Be gentle and slow to score.” “Your screen will never feel the same.”

You can’t tell me that’s not about vaginas. Vaginas are flowers! They enjoy colour and when you use all your fingers! If you’re gentle and slow, you’ll totally score! They may as well have called this app “Third Base: Fingering”.

And the innuendos just keep going:

A flower always starts out colorless. But when you touch it, color fills the tunnel. Stay in the glowing flower as long as possible! Play slowly and gently to get a high score. Just pushing through as fast as you can will result in failure. The game wants you to take it easy and be playful. The game engages with you –alone or with a friend– as an encouraging partner.

I’m pretty sure those are the EXACT WORDS I used the first time someone touched my own glowing flower, alone or with a friend.

Fuck this, I’m totally gonna buy this app right now. It’s been a while since I’ve been in someone else’s flower-like tunnel, and $3 is a low price to pay for access to someone’s garden temple.

remember remember

I have a headache and I forgot to lunch. This is going to really bite me in the ass later, when I have to do Discount Groceries after work – expect to see a lot of things with “pocket” and “pop” in the name, as those adjectives tend to indicate food that could be in my belly the fastest. This plan can’t possibly go wrong!

PiBPaint It Back 

Genre: Nonogram/Picross
Price: Free ($2.99 to unlock all content)

Today I learned that the official name of picross games is “nonogram”, which sounds like a cutesy name for pre-school sexual harassment. At any rate, Paint It Back is a super fun logic puzzle game with a neat premise: all the art has disappeared, and you need to replace it. I’ve played many picross games and only two have ever entertained me (I find a lot of them to be ridiculously dry and tedious) – an old Shockwave game that I’ve forgotten the name of, and Paint it Back. Check it out for free, and if you like it, spend the $3 to unlock all the content. It’s worth it!

I’m running out of both trivia and secrets to share, so I think I’m going to have to space them out a little. That being said, today’s confession is that I kind of want to punch people really hard and also my dependency on gluten-free granola to get me through each morning is both amusing and alarming.

thinking gives you wrinkles

App the 3rd


Marvel Puzzle Quest: Dark Reign

Genre: Match-3 RPG
Price: Free with optional IAP

I was a huge fan of the original Puzzle Quest game, and played through it many times. Subsequent releases were kind of stinky, though, so I wasn’t expecting much from this game .. but I was wrong. Oh so wrong. Marvel + Puzzle Quest = SUPER BIG TIME FUN! The game is free to download, and completely playable without having to spend any money. If you like match-3 games like Bejeweled but are utterly tired of crushing candy, try Marvel Puzzle Quest. It’s imaginary violence at its least animated!

Trivia the 3rd

Shockwave was supposed to die in the 1986 movie, but it was cut from the film. IDW Publishing eventually killed him off in their 2006 comic book adaption of the movie.

Confession the 3rd

I used to be a huge comic book nerd: always Marvel; never DC. I memorized the Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe (a 20+ issue encyclopedia printed between 1985 and 1988), and still retain most of what I read today .. which is why I can’t math, but can name all the Morlocks alphabetically by power.

I think I chose well.

running theme

Two in a row! I’m breaking records like Suresh Joachim!

App the 2nd


Genre: Old-School Dungeon Crawler
Sale Price: Free

Dungelot is a casual dungeon crawler that you can play on the bus or while pooping (eww). It’s fun, easy, entertaining, and currently free – frankly, there are far worse things you could be doing with your spare time (like pooping) (eww).

Trivia the 2nd

Everyone knows Peter Cullen is the voice of Optimus Prime (because I keep bringing it up over and over again). However, even if you weren’t obsessed with Transformers in the 80s like some people and watched cartoons at some point, you’ve likely heard his voice. Cullen had/has a prolific career as a voice actor, and showed up in almost every cartoon shown on Saturday mornings at one point or another, such as Dungeons and Dragons (alongside the other Voice of the 80s, Frank Welker) and Dragon’s Lair.

Confession the 2nd

I’ve never actually played Dungeons and Dragons. I realize I’ll lose nerd cred for this confession, but let’s face it – I’ve got so much damn nerd cred that I can spare a little. Still, I have shame. I should fix this.

thirty days of ..

So, I’m going to attempt NaBloPoMo this year. In the past, it’s always been kind of pointless because I posted every damn day to begin with .. but since I’ve dialed back my blog posting this year, trying to go 30 days straight will actually be somewhat of a challenge. A pointless challenge partnered with an exercise in futility and internet egotism, but still. CHALLENGE!

Even if I’ve neglected my blog a little this year, I didn’t want to simply post random “I’m cold/sad/hungry/bored/radioactive/on the good ship Lollipop” updates to make it through November – that’s cheating, and also pretty lame. Instead, I will attempt to write some Actual Content for thirty days – and not just content about how far my head is stuffed up my own ass, but stuff that may actually be of interest to others (alongside the head-up-ass stuff – I’m not trying to change the world, here). Unfortunately, I don’t really know a lot about anything at all that could actually be useful to anyone .. but I’ll share what I’ve got: a lot of app suggestions, a ridiculous amount of Transformers-related trivia, and some deep, dark secrets that I will share. 30 Days of Random Ass Stuff! What could possibly go wrong?

Here we go!

App the 1st


King Cashing 2

Genre: Slot Machine RPG, with Zombies
Sale Price: $0.99

King Cashing 2 is unlike any other game I’ve ever played. It’s a comic-book-style turn-based RPG with a slot-machine mechanic, and you play as the zombie(s). You get a limited number of turns (spins), and .. well, it’s hard to explain. I CAN tell you that it’s hilarious and it sucks you in and it’s a steal for $0.99, so take a look if you’re tired of crushing candy or flinging birds into the marketing ether. Is good fun. Go now.

Trivia the 1st

The 1986 Transformers movie was the final film made by Orson Welles (Unicron) AND Scatman Crothers (Jazz). While Unicron died in the movie (um, spoilers I guess), Jazz did not .. but because his voice actor died (Crothers also voiced Jazz in the cartoon series), the film marked the last time Jazz spoke. He was briefly seen in later cartoon episodes, but never had any lines.

Confession the 1st

I don’t like Sriracha sauce. I grew up with my mother dousing all her food in that stuff, and the smell of Sriracha reminds me of undiagnosed mental health issues and instant ramen. No thank you.

I can totally keep this up for 30 days. Only 29 to go!