table flip


You know, I try really hard to not flip tables. For one, the table didn’t do anything to me. And even if it did offend me in some way, it’s an inanimate object that didn’t consciously think about placing itself in the path of my toe on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. It’s also rude, and as a Canadian, I go out of my way to avoid being rude (it’s why I don’t murder). So while I totally get the noble art of the table flip, I have yet to truly experience one.

Until now.

Last week, I bought a Windows tablet (this one, if you’re curious). It was a really good price, and would serve my nefarious needs quite well. It arrived, so I started to make my way through the setup.

It would take far too long to try and explain the tangled web I wove in paragraph form, so here’s the gist of it all:

  • Purchased tablet under x@djdc email address
  • Went to set it up under k@djdc
  • All is good
  • Tablet came with a free subscription to Office 365 Personal
  • Cool, but I don’t need it – I have Office 365 Home
  • Office 365 Home is set up under kimli@gmail
  • kimli@gmail is tied to x@djdc
  • Office 365 Personal (can be installed on 1 tablet and one PC) overwrote my Office 365 Home (good for 5 tablets and 5 PCs) subscription

Well, shit. I lost access to the software I paid for – it was replaced with free software that was exactly 1/5th as good as what I actually bought. There was no way to fix this online – once you make the switch, even if you didn’t intend to, you’re stuck with it. I had to contact Microsoft support, and have them sort out my accounts. Again, should be easy – just remove the Personal subscription, and put my Home subscription back in place.


First, I had to sort out my two MS accounts. This basically turned into a ridiculous and infuriating Tower of Hanoi from hell:

  1. Log into k@djdc
  2. Verify account by email, since the phone number associated is some random number I had during the Dark Ages
  3. Cancel account
  4. Verify that I want to cancel this account
  5. If I don’t touch it, it’ll be deleted in 60 days
  6. Log into x@djdc
  7. Verify my identity by text message
  8. Add k@djdc as an alias
  9. Can’t, it already exists in the system
  10. Log out of x@djdc
  11. Log into k@djdc
  12. Account is in the delete queue
  13. Cancel delete process
  14. Verify I want to cancel the delete process
  15. Log into k@djdc again
  16. Verify my identity via text message
  17. Account is back, cool
  18. Add k@d as alias
  19. Verify I want to add k@d as alias
  20. Verify I own k@d by email
  21. Great, you’re aliased
  22. Set k@d as primary
  23. Verify I want to set k@d as primary
  24. Cool, k@d is primary
  25. Remove k@djdc email address
  26. Verify I want to remove k@djdc
  27. Yes goddamnit
  28. Cool, it’s gone
  29. Log into x@djdc
  30. Verify my identity
  31. Add k@djdc as alias
  32. Verify I own k@djdc
  33. Okay, it’s added
  34. Set k@djdc as primary
  35. Verify I want to set k@djdc as primary
  36. Shoot myself in the boobs repeatedly
  37. Why am I doing this
  38. Seriously
  39. This is my life now
  40. Cry


I’m not even sure if all this worked, as I THEN had to email Microsoft support and tell them where my various subscriptions should point to. I don’t know when I will hear back, but I’m guessing it will be later. And something else will be wrong. And can you please verify your face.


something different

Ever wanted to know how to treat a vagina? There’s an app for that:


Luxuria Superbia

iPad Only
Genre: vagina touching
Price: $2.99

This isn’t so much a recommendation (I haven’t tried the app) as it is “oh man look at this it’s all about foreplay!!” commentary, but .. dude. From the app description:

A simple game of touch, pleasure and joy. Luxuria Superbia is a colorful, musical journey made to fill you with joy. Exciting designs explode from your touch as you glide through playful stylized flowers. It’s all about the experience and the interaction. “Colorful… and oh-so-touchable. So touch it. You know you want to.”  — Andrew Vestal, Gaming Intelligence Agency

The screenshots are the best. “You are entering a flower. The flower is blank, but it enjoys color.” “It’s fun. Use all your fingers. Be gentle and slow to score.” “Your screen will never feel the same.”

You can’t tell me that’s not about vaginas. Vaginas are flowers! They enjoy colour and when you use all your fingers! If you’re gentle and slow, you’ll totally score! They may as well have called this app “Third Base: Fingering”.

And the innuendos just keep going:

A flower always starts out colorless. But when you touch it, color fills the tunnel. Stay in the glowing flower as long as possible! Play slowly and gently to get a high score. Just pushing through as fast as you can will result in failure. The game wants you to take it easy and be playful. The game engages with you –alone or with a friend– as an encouraging partner.

I’m pretty sure those are the EXACT WORDS I used the first time someone touched my own glowing flower, alone or with a friend.

Fuck this, I’m totally gonna buy this app right now. It’s been a while since I’ve been in someone else’s flower-like tunnel, and $3 is a low price to pay for access to someone’s garden temple.