You know, I try really hard to not flip tables. For one, the table didn’t do anything to me. And even if it did offend me in some way, it’s an inanimate object that didn’t consciously think about placing itself in the path of my toe on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. It’s also rude, and as a Canadian, I go out of my way to avoid being rude (it’s why I don’t murder). So while I totally get the noble art of the table flip, I have yet to truly experience one.

Until now.

Last week, I bought a Windows tablet (this one, if you’re curious). It was a really good price, and would serve my nefarious needs quite well. It arrived, so I started to make my way through the setup.

It would take far too long to try and explain the tangled web I wove in paragraph form, so here’s the gist of it all:

• Purchased tablet under x@djdc email address
• Went to set it up under k@djdc
• All is good
• Tablet came with a free subscription to Office 365 Personal
• Cool, but I don’t need it – I have Office 365 Home
• Office 365 Home is set up under kimli@gmail
• kimli@gmail is tied to x@djdc
• Office 365 Personal (can be installed on 1 tablet and one PC) overwrote my Office 365 Home (good for 5 tablets and 5 PCs) subscription

Well, shit. I lost access to the software I paid for – it was replaced with free software that was exactly 1/5th as good as what I actually bought. There was no way to fix this online – once you make the switch, even if you didn’t intend to, you’re stuck with it. I had to contact Microsoft support, and have them sort out my accounts. Again, should be easy – just remove the Personal subscription, and put my Home subscription back in place.

THINGS DON’T WORK THAT WAY, ALRIGHT

First, I had to sort out my two MS accounts. This basically turned into a ridiculous and infuriating Tower of Hanoi from hell:

1. Log into k@djdc
2. Verify account by email, since the phone number associated is some random number I had during the Dark Ages
3. Cancel account
4. Verify that I want to cancel this account
5. If I don’t touch it, it’ll be deleted in 60 days
6. Log into x@djdc
7. Verify my identity by text message
8. Add k@djdc as an alias
9. Can’t, it already exists in the system
10. Log out of x@djdc
11. Log into k@djdc
12. Account is in the delete queue
13. Cancel delete process
14. Verify I want to cancel the delete process
15. Log into k@djdc again
16. Verify my identity via text message
17. Account is back, cool
18. Add k@d as alias
19. Verify I want to add k@d as alias
20. Verify I own k@d by email
21. Great, you’re aliased
22. Set k@d as primary
23. Verify I want to set k@d as primary
24. Cool, k@d is primary
25. Remove k@djdc email address
26. Verify I want to remove k@djdc
27. Yes goddamnit
28. Cool, it’s gone
29. Log into x@djdc
30. Verify my identity
31. Add k@djdc as alias
32. Verify I own k@djdc
33. Okay, it’s added
34. Set k@djdc as primary
35. Verify I want to set k@djdc as primary
36. Shoot myself in the boobs repeatedly
37. Why am I doing this
38. Seriously
39. This is my life now
40. Cry

THIS WAS A BAD USER EXPERIENCE, OKAY

I’m not even sure if all this worked, as I THEN had to email Microsoft support and tell them where my various subscriptions should point to. I don’t know when I will hear back, but I’m guessing it will be later. And something else will be wrong. And can you please verify your face.

FLIP ALL THE TABLES