One of my super powers is the amazing ability to grasp situations really quickly and make building-sized leaps in logic in a single bound. This skill is the only thing that qualifies me to be a technical trainer; I can learn new systems and processes much faster than the average bear.

So while it may sound conceited to boast that I am rarely confused, I am .. well, rarely confused. It is not often that I stare at something completely dumbfounded and unable to make any sense of it, no matter how hard I stare and how agape my jaw is. Granted, this may very well be because I tend to avoid looking at things drastically outside my skill level – you won’t see me attempting surgery or engine-building anytime soon, because I don’t get those things.

It’s not just complicated surgery and mechanics that I don’t get, though. For example, I don’t understand how I’ve been signed up to be a GameCrush whore – I am as confused as I’ve ever been.

Late last week, I received a weird email from GameCrush. I’ve gotten spam from them before, but this was different – it wasn’t an email for the USERS of GameCrush; it was for the “PlayDates”: the girls that sign up and play video games with men via webcam for money. If you’re not familiar with the idea of GameCrush, there it is – men pay hot girls to play video games with them and engage in voice/video chat. It’s about as sleazy and degrading as it sounds.

While trying to figure out why I was getting this email, I learned a few things about the PlayDates. GameCrush encourages them to upload sexy (game related!) pictures to entice men to choose them to play with. The girls are advised to keep their real identities a secret; to make up a PlayDate name and persona for the “Players” (the men who pay real money to play video games with women). You can absolutely upload risque content, but it will likely be restricted to the Players who pay for premium access. These men can look at you, play games with you, rank your appearance and gaming skill, and leave you messages. Here’s what the profile page looks like:

click to embiggen - the profile is blank coz it's "mine"; I'm not going to waste time filling it out so people will pay to play with me (although "be a prostitute" IS on my bucket list ..)

please oh please can i share my likes, dislikes and physical stats with men who want to choose me out of a lineup and hand over money for my time

I think it’s pretty obvious that there’s no way in hell I would ever sign myself up to be a PlayDate. In addition to thinking the entire idea is fucking disgusting, I’m not exactly the kind of girl they’re looking for – yeah, I play games and I’m active online, but a) I’m not docile, b) I’m not “hot”, and c) no one will pay to be graced with my presence. Also, there’s the issue of the name – if I WERE to wake up one morning with an abundance of beauty and a dearth of self-respect, I would NEVER use the name “Kimlibobo” to hide my real identity. There are several issues with that, which I’m sure you can quickly pick out .. not to mention it’s a fucking stupid name.

All this boils down into one question: what the flying fuck is going on here? How did I get signed up for a service I wouldn’t touch with YOUR dick, using a horrible diminutive of my real name, attached to my very real email address? Is this how spam works now, using intelligent targeting and account setup hoping you’ll get curious and offended and do some research? Did someone sign me up for this? Should I be flattered or creeped the fuck out? Why did I just get 15 copies of this welcome letter in my inbox (I used the site’s password recovery feature to see if anything had been set up under my name; after I logged in I got this 15 fucking times)?

Dear Kimlibobo,

Your GameCrush PlayDate account registration is complete. Welcome to the team! We look forward to helping you be successful on GameCrush. If you want to dive right in, visit your profile and start showing the world what you got!

Tips for getting started:

1. Create a profile that speaks to who you are as a gamer! Talk about your favorite games, post photos, let our players know that you are ready to kick their butts – or just to have a good time. Make sure you pick the games you want to play for your library!
2. Make sure your webcam is set up.
3. Once you are ready to play, just sign in. This will open your own personal, public chat window and allows Players visiting your profile to chat with you and know that you are for real.
4. Players on your profile can then request a game with you. You have the option of accepting or declining this request. Obviously, if you decline, you don’t get paid for that game!
5. If Players are being a pain in your butt, please take advantage of blocking and other functions we have on the site. We don’t want you to spend one second chatting with Players who aren’t treating you right.
6. Once you accept a game request, you’ll be taken to the game screen and the webcam feed will start. From this screen you and the Player can decide which game(s) you want to play. The game lasts until you or the Player decide to end it.

So – your next step is to create a profile that tells (and shows) players why they’d have a great time playing you. Visit your profile management page and get started choosing games, uploading photos, and telling players about yourself in your own words.

Thanks for joining!

– The GameCrush Crew

Eww. Eww all over this. What the fuck. Here’s the email I got initially, full of tips on how to get johns players to take me for a ride game:

For all the worrying I did about Got Craft, it was totally fine – even better than fine, actually. I had forgotten that I had bags and bags of Smuttons all ready to go, and the other items I was selling (flower rings and necklaces; contrasts are fun) take virtually no time to make. A few hours spent on Friday and Saturday shored up my inventory, and we were off.

I ended up making about $300 (and spending $70 of it), which is astounding when you realize I’m basically selling porn for $1 a shot (no pun intended). Most of my fun comes from people’s reactions as well as bringing out the DIRTIEST SMUTTON OF ALL TIME to share with a select few – it’s so very, very dirty that I don’t dare display it in the drawers with the rest of them. Ask me to see it some time; I’ll try to keep it in my wallet or something in case there’s ever a lull in the conversation.

Our table was a hub of activity all day – so many people came to visit us! Mikala brought me Diet Coke, Ed delivered some emergency pants and a blanket (we were sitting by the door; it was FREEZING) and .. it was just a fun day. I didn’t start to feel tired until almost 4:30, which was easy to deal with as the doors closed at 5pm. My stuff packs up quickly, and we were out the door with our spoils – Miranda bought pottery and a bucket; I got paper gnomes, two necklaces, some magnets and also a bucket. Crafty goodness is so fun!

Ed was a whirlwind of activity last night, and after I pried myself off the couch there was much cleaning done. My old-school internet friend Chris is coming to visit for a week, and as we’ve never actually met in person I want him to be duly impressed with our spotless kitchen counters and my successful scaling of Laundry Mountain. I even hung a lamp! Behold and admire the brightly lit area above my clean desk! Be amazed at the dishwasher; empty of crusty dinnerware! Bask in our empty garbage cans; each one a sparkling beacon of trash disposal! Totally ignore the gas leak in the kitchen!

Um, we kind of have a gas leak in the kitchen. We turned the gas off last Thursday and have been eating out of cartons since then, but no one can come in to look at it until sometime this week. Ed is convinced our home is about to explode in a fiery ball of toys and cat litter, and I’m just annoyed that I haven’t been able to cook in a week – it is very inconvenient to have a gas leak, although I am grateful that there is still 12 days left in our home warranty thingie.

This should be a fun week – Chris has never been to Vancouver, and there’s a lot to show him. The forecast looks like hell, but that’s what umbrellas are for – and if the evenings clear up, it might be a great time to check out the Christmas Market, the lights in Stanley Park and VanDusen, and whatever is going on along Robson. Good times ahead; no pants necessary.

we had to shoo curious children away - next time i won't put the porn next to the box of pretty flowers

pretty flowers nicely offset the filth in the mysterious black box

See! iPad fondling!

canada's boyfriend; my ipad (and my boob, and ling the awesome!)

In this picture, I appear to be trying to eat the planet. Hot!

AWESOME BOOT PATROL! @leahgregg, @derek_weiss and meeeeeee

Hey, Got Craft is tomorrow – if you’re in the neighbourhood (Commercial and East 5th, at the Legion) stop on by. Miranda has awesome pretty things, and I have drawers of porn:

ask to see the dirtiest button of all!

Ed gave me an early present yesterday:

pretty pretty pretty

magic love hello kitty!

Yay!

Um, that’s about it. Porn and nerd toys. You so wish you were me.

They say that good cheer is infectious, so if anyone is in need of some happy they should come on over and soak me up.

I’m in a really good mood; the kind where I’m sitting at my desk grinning happily at nothing in particular. It’s all bubbles and giggles over in my corner, so you’ve been warned – I’m kind of obnoxious at the moment, but I am too happy to care.

Last night I went to the mall and bought a big pile of clothing for our adopted family. It was really fun trying to think of what someone else might like – I picked up some really cute things that I hope they’ll enjoy. I spent more than I had intended and bought things off the wish list that weren’t on the cards I took, but so what. With Friendmas is up in the air, I really only have one person to buy presents for (and he makes it really hard to do because he sucks) – so my overflow need to shower others with gifts will be applied to the family. They get things they need, I get to go shopping for presents, and I bank a little bit of karma – it’s win win all around.

The weather looked promising when I woke up, so I dressed warmly (go go plaid docs) and rode Lola in to work. I managed to snag an invite to the CBC Open House Tweetup to meet Canada’s Boyfriend, and my scooter would provide an easy way to get there and back without worrying about travel time. I’m really glad I went – I didn’t realize this until after, but this was likely the first event I had been to without dragging any of my crew along. That doesn’t sound like much until you realize that I went to a large event filled with strangers with no safety net planned in advance – and that is huge.

The Tweetup was *awesome*. I met so many cool people, saw some old favourites, and George himself fondled my iPad several times. After donating to the Food Bank, I wandered around for a bit before I had to come back to the office (where there were two packages waiting for me – hooray!). It’s gorgeous outside; a perfect winter scoot – and I am just .. content. A little hungry, but content. Stuff is good. And inside my head, it’s just awesome.

vroom vroom

The only thing worse than posting IRC or MSN logs might just be posting Twitter logs. So, here you go!

It’s, like, totes true. The stuff I make publicly available is shocking and ripe with scandal – the things that would require uncovering are painful and boring. It would be page after page of stuff like this:

From: Kimli
To: ed@rodeoclowns.com
Subject: what up

I drove the car to work today. Wanna go get cat food after work? Figured we could use some wet.

K

OOOOH! BURN!

Being open is not for everyone, but it sure is fun.

This could be the worst or greatest idea I’ve ever had in my life:

I know you’re supposed to check your boobs/balls frequently for any lumps or suspicious changes, but that doesn’t really work if you’re a melodramatic hypochondriac like I am:

“OH MY GOD I FOUND A LUMP I AM TOTALLY DYING”

“Let me see – where?”

“HERE! CAN YOU FEEL IT? I HAVE SEVENTEEN CANCERS!!”

“.. Kimli, that’s your nipple.”

I’d like to be vigilant about the early signs of cancer, but I am just not that bright. EVERYTHING feels like a lump to me, even things that are obviously not lumpy in any way.

So, someone ELSE should feel my boobs for me. If there is something to be concerned about, it would be apparent to an outside boob feeler – me, I’m very likely to dismiss it as my brain being stupid even if it had a little sign saying “get me checked!” (which I can’t actually do – thank you very much, Vancouver medical scene). I can bring in a neutral third party, have them feel me all over for things that might be scary, and THEY decide whether I should panic or if everything is just super.

Clearly this is nothing less than an awesome idea that will in no way backfire.

Who wants to be my boob feeler?

I thought about not posting today just for the sheer luxury of it, but my heart just isn’t feeling defiant right now. I’m kind of mired in a mild anxiety attack – I’m seriously stressing out about a bunch of stupid little things, and it is balls:

• Got Craft is on Sunday, and I’ve done nothing to prepare
• I’m waiting for a bunch of things to come in the mail and they’re taking their sweet ass time getting here
• My friend Chris is staying with us for a week and I’m worried he will be bored

I think the crafting thing is the biggest issue – I am utterly unmotivated to make anything, and that sucks. When I get home from work, all I want to do is nothing at all – the thought of hauling out my gear and making stuff is just not something I want to do. Tonight should help; I’m going over to Heather’s house and bringing some things to work on. She invited a bunch of us over to watch the ANTM finale, which I could not possibly care less about – but I think I need to get outside of the house, and spending time with awesome people will do that nicely. I usually craft while watching TV, but I haven’t been able to get in front of it for some time now (nor have I really tried, to be honest) so I am counting on tonight to be productive and good for multiple reasons. If I can crank out some product, I will be much less stressed about Sunday – but really, I will be glad when it is Monday.

The comment I made about glass water bottles may have been the single smallest paragraph written in my epic update of all things TEDx, but it caught the eye of the company that did the bottles up – and they wrote a post about it!

Click the image to visit Fairware‘s blog. It’s actually really interesting – I learned stuff I didn’t know about emissions and supply chains – but I really love the fact that they took the time to address the concern I had and provide a thorough, awesome answer. I don’t have many opportunities to look for custom branded goods (yet – Delicious Juice Dot Thongs for my tenth bloggiversary, anyone?) – but if I ever find myself looking, I know exactly where I’ll go. Hooray for awesome customer awareness!

I’ve been hoisted with my own petard!

Today is the last day of NaBloPoMo, and with this post, I will have made 40 updates in November 2010. That’s more than one a day right through the entire month, so there will be no repeat of my humiliated e-failure from last year. I had even planned this update in advance, because I was NOT going to fuck up the count again and I wanted to go out with a bang.

Unfortunately, as I lay in bed last night thinking up the witty remarks to make on my topic of choice, I was struck with a sudden sense of deja vu: this seems really, really familiar. With a sense of dread, I went to my site and did a search for “virginity” – and sure enough, I blogged about this very topic in fucking APRIL.

Today is the 20th anniversary of the loss of my virginity, and I wanted to throw my hymen a little wake in remembrance of the sacrifice it made for the greater good. It would have been awesome: think streamers and confetti and tiny vaginal party hats; steamed clams and muscles to snack on. I might have invited a clown. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO GREAT.

But no. Way back in April, a good 7 months before the actual date of the anniversary, I was struck with hilarity (as usual, in my own head) and came up with the idea of releasing a 20th anniversary edition DVD of my virginity:

the hidden easter eggs are still particularly terrifying

That’s all fine and good I suppose, but here we are on the ACTUAL DATE of the anniversary, and I’ve got nothing. I am so grumpy at April Kimli for stealing thunder from myself. You suck in April, me.

So yeah, I win at NaBloPoMo ’10, but at what cost? AT WHAT COST??!

Serious pouting over here.

We built a “tree” out of tinsel and decorated it with cards; each containing one Christmas wish from our adopted family. All that’s left to do now is wait – or, as is more my style, poke people daily to make sure they take cards off the tree and buy presents for those with far less than we have. I hope people will take part. I’m terrified that they won’t. I really, really want this to be fun and fruitful for our adopted family; to give them the kind of Hallmark Christmas I sneer at in accordance with the hipster creed but secretly have always wanted.

If I have ever wished I could win the lottery, it would be so I could do awesome things for others for the sheer joy of it.

christmas on acid! christmas on acid!