• I just booked a massive amount of vacation time, and it was all approved! Sure, it’ll use up all my remaining time and four days of next year’s time, but between now and October I have Time Off! Some of it is even Heather-style Time Off with No Plans! Hooray!
• I dyed my hair last night and it’s a dark plum colour instead of red – I am not sure how I feel about it yet, but it isn’t a big deal either way
• My goal of anime hair is coming along nicely
• A bunch of stuff I ordered off eBay came in today, including this silly but surprisingly useful iPad stand shaped like an apple:

sadly, mine isn't green

pretty pretty ipad

I bought two of them (one for home and one for the Lab). They have them at the Richmond Night Market for $15, but if you don’t mind waiting you can get them for much cheaper on eBay (mine were $7.18 each). As tempted as I was by the Apple Dock, I resisted – $35 isn’t a lot of money but I can buy a dozen ridiculous iPad cases from the internet for that much and have myself an iPad fashion show.

What?

• I hate MSO code so much I want to spit venom
• Um, that’s all I have for today
• Oh, one more – today’s free app offerings suck out loud so there’s no new post up at Hot Wet Apps
• I did post twice yesterday though and the items are still free so go nuts
• I am hungry

My vagina is more famous than yours.

i hate children so much there's an article in a magazine about it

I’m giddy with excitement to FINALLY be able to tell the world: I was one of three vaginas interviewed for an article that appears in the August 2010 issue of Chatelaine magazine. I saw the issue for the first time today!

Last summer, Rosemary Counter in Toronto contacted me about this post I made, in which I was denied a tubal ligation because I “might change my mind” about never (ever ever ever) wanting children. She was pitching a story about the process of getting a tubal done, and would I mind being interviewed about my experiences? I am nothing if not DELIGHTED to talk about my vagina to anyone who asks, so we made plans to have a conversation about my girl parts and how I don’t want my garden to be fertilized with seed so that I may spring forth new life from my womb. Seriously, I’m not interested. Get your seed away from my vaginal dirt.

Unfortunately, right around the time the article was supposed to come out (earlier this year), I heard from Rosemary – the magazine had changed owners, and as a result, the story got shelved. I was disappointed for my vagina, but more for Rosemary because she did a lot of work and research for the article. I still kept quiet about it in case minds were changed, and a few months later I got an email – we were back on! My vagina would achieve the Canada-wide fame it had longed for lo these many years! I received a call from a fact checker who made sure the article captured the facts (the only thing I had to correct was the assumption that my blog was strictly about my vagina – it’s not; sometimes I write about other things too), and was told the issue would be out in the August issue. AND HERE WE ARE!

this article is not about bondage (that interview is in another magazine altogether)

I am so very tickled by this – my vagina was interviewed! It’s in a magazine! I get to add this to my collection of Publications in Which My Name Appears For Some Reason! SO EXCITED! I want to show everyone, which will get extremely awkward (especially at work). Note to self: don’t open with “HEY WANNA SEE MY VAGINA??!”.

Squeeee!

It’s very difficult to follow “easy to use” instructions when you’re using version 2 and the rest of the planet is on version 5.

At any rate, I created a crappy copy of an app icon:

It lives to the right on my tool bars and is an easy way to get to my other blog; the one in which I talk about iDevice apps non-stop. I don’t always remember to announce updates on here, and I don’t want to – so you should bookmark/subscribe/interpretive dance the other URL so’s you know where to go for HOT WET DEALS. Click it. Click it hard.

.. but just in case, I’m asking the internet what I should do.

After my shower this morning I used a Q-Tip (I know, I know – you’re not supposed to, but everyone does it) to dry out the inside of my ear because wet ear canals make me vaguely uncomfortable. Anyway, this morning something went wrong – there was a huge sharp pain in my ear that made me see stars and swear. There’s no blood or brain matter oozing out of my head, but my ear is sore and feels weird. I’ve got a little bit of vertigo, but this isn’t anything new – I’m always dizzy. Should I get checked out? Do I have ear herpes now? Did I pop my brain? I am no good at my health.

• I got very little sleep last night
• I woke up on the couch with a pounding headache
• I hate my job
• Someone replaced my perfume with cherry cough syrup

At least I now have the gayest iPad in existence:

i love ebay

you are so jealous

I spend a lot of time on the internet. Like, really a lot. While wading through the vast quantities of information and porn I see every day, I discovered that a lot of it is actually useful. One offshoot of the not-porn I get is information about various iDevice apps that fall under one or more categories:

• highly anticipated and finally released
• free for a limited time
• on sale
• completely awesome no matter the price

I am a fastidious App Whore, and thus will download anything that catches my eye. As I learned earlier this month, treating iTunes Apps like Pokemon is a very bad idea – while trying to catch ’em all, I racked up  more than $1100 in charges. Since I don’t want to give up the thrill of discovery, I decided to look around for apps that are free or on sale – and I found a lot of them. I thought it might be fun to share this information with people who have iDevices, and after a quick Twitter poll told me there’d be interest, I set up a new blog to do just that. I don’t want to clutter up my own blog with this stuff, nor do I think Twitter is the best place for it because it’s so easily missed. If I put all this info on a separate page, you can browse at your convenience. It is good for all. Hooray for technologies!

The fine print:

• I am not affiliated with any app developers
• I do not get money or perks to pimp certain apps
• I make no guarantees about the availability of the prices I post; that’s why some of these are limited time offers
• These will likely be apps that I like and actually USE
• I play a lot of games, and that’s what most of these will be
• I am Canadian, and my links will more often than not be to the Canadian iTunes store (unless the app is available in the US only, at which point I will mention it)
• I like Diet Coke

Have at it, why don’t you.

Big Bad Kimli the Child-Eating Internet Bully here, making a special appearance to blog about why I hate your children and want to eat their bones.

Mommy Sunshine Flower Kittens tweeted today about her Special Little Snowflake and how his poop was luminous with diamonds and fragrant like fresh cut grass and the finest perfumes the world has known, because billions of dollars and ideas and technological breakthroughs have happened in our lifetime so computers, the internet, and Twitter could be invented and used to tell the world about shit. Special shit, yes, but shit all the same.

I know I’m not the only person who is really disgusted and tired of seeing tweets that go into great detail about the shape, colour, odor, frequency and taste of children’s waste – I’m just the (mean, horrible) person who said something about it today. People agreed with me both privately and publicly, but since the words came from my fingertips, it’s just assumed that Kimli is going off on parents again because she totally hates children and while we’re at it let’s call her a bully who picks on people while stealing content and ideas to drive traffic to her site. Yep, that’s me in a nutshell. I haven’t had an original thought in my head in the nine and a half years I’ve been blogging and also people who aren’t me suck.

Since I’m already on the shit list – no pun intended – I might as well repost the thought that started it all: parents, no one wants to hear about your child’s bodily functions. I know you think your kid is the most amazing thing on the entire planet and everyone obviously shares your joy and delight at the things that ooze out of his or her holes, but you are wrong. No one cares. It is disgusting. If your child could voice an opinion, I highly doubt it would want you telling the world that it just made a stinky in it’s diaper and isn’t that cute and special. It’s not: it is foul and obnoxious. It is tasteless and revolting. The only two places in the world it is EVER appropriate to openly discuss fecal matter, be it your own or your child’s, is a) at a doctor’s office or b) at a scat convention. Twitter is neither of these things.

It’s fucking gross, okay. Stop it. There’s a reason I (rarely) go into great detail about the things that come out of our bodies: no one wants to hear it. I could go on for paragraphs about the amount, taste, texture, calorie content, pH level of Ed’s jizz – but I don’t, because I know I’m the only one who would get anything out of it. Some things are better left to the imagination, if that’s your sort of thing – why do you think they don’t show people shitting or pissing on TV? Describe it in books? Talk about it on CNN? Because it’s not fucking appropriate, and is no one’s business.

Yeah, I get that it’s hilarious that of all people to lead a parade on what is and isn’t appropriate, I’ve chosen to hoist the baton – but come on. It’s a universal given that shit is not discussed in polite society. People who talk about it like it’s a fascinating tidbit of science are broken people who’ve forgotten how to hold a real conversation outside of their little miracles.

Who’s the more damaged person here: people who are amazed by a natural bodily function, or me because I try to live a happy life? My comment about living a “happy little hilarious world” has been thrown back in my face twice in the last week like it’s something bad to be looked down on, and I’m amazed by THAT – not by what collects in your kid’s diapers.

Why do I hate children?

I don’t.

I think I hate YOU.

I’m on a horse.

(this post was password protected until the e-rage calmed down – I’m actually not at all interested in starting another me vs. them fight with parents)

I wrote some new iDevice game reviews over at Gamers With Casts:

• Dracula 3: Path of the Dragon Part 1
• Fun-Sized Game Reviews Volume 1
• Doodle God
• CatSpin
• Assault Squadron

Check them out why not. Doodle God and the Fun-Sized ones in particular are full of awesome.

Lastly, women have been matching shoes to purses for centuries yet for some reason it is utterly hilarious when I do it as seen here:

not shown: the purple plaid dress with silver accent threads I am also wearing

I am so shiny.

I have  nothing to say, so watch this stuff instead. I am still erect and throbbing with YouTube rage, but these are too awesome to keep to myself:

Both of these videos make me tingle in my down there: the Old Spice Guy speaking in binary was like a shotgun orgasm, and I am completely in love with Doll from Doll and the Kicks. Enjoy, and it’s okay if you need a moment to yourself. I know I did.

I don’t really have any rules when it comes to blogging. There isn’t a topic I won’t write about if it happens to be on my mind, much to the chagrin of those close to me who think I ought to be a little more discreet. Discretion is for people with something to hide, and my life – like my shirt – is open for all who care to take a look.

So imagine my surprise when Ed put his foot down and FORBADE me from writing about a particular topic. Me! He’s trying to censor ME! NOBODY censors me, not even me! I blog it all, from the state of affairs in my lady garden to my criminal misdeeds and raging post-post-post adolescent angst. There is nothing that I will not discuss, okay? That’s not how I roll.

And yet here we are – Ed has forbidden me from writing about the thing I will call The Incident. The Incident is not naked or risqué; it’s not illegal and does not actually involve Ed in any way. It has nothing to do with genitals (mine or otherwise), and would not get me arrested or placed on a No Fly list. It’s not racist or sexist or any other kind of “ist” – controversial, I suppose, but not more shocking than things I’ve already blogged with sheer abandon. I *hate* being censored, but I’m also masochistically amused by Ed’s insistence that The Incident not make it online. He’s so cute when he tries to stop me from doing things!

So, I’m curious. What do YOU think “The Incident” could be? What topic could be so damning that Ed would take action to keep it quiet; action that appears to actually be working?

Oh, the intrigue!